Why I Stopped Pitting African American Women Vs African Women
“The majority of my failed relationships with African American women were solely my fault.”
In 2012 I was involved in a relationship with an African American woman in Los Angeles, CA. At the time finding a decent black woman in Los Angeles was proving to be difficult. So when I finally found one, I jumped on the opportunity to lock her down. Even though she smoked weed I thought it was something that over time she would grow out of. We dated for about 3 months, then I told her my intentions on taking the relationship to another level. Under one condition, that she stop smoking weed. She was heavily not only into weed but the culture. She didn’t smoke a joint here or there but treated weed like Lebron approaches basketball. Once I made my request she responded, “All I do is smoke weed and all my family does is smoke weed, you not going to tell me what to do.” The relationship ended. We were just culturally different.
About two weeks later, I took my second trip to Africa. The previous year, 2011, I went to Tanzania, and I didn’t want to return home. That’s when I came to the realization that I was a displaced African that just happened to be in America. My trip in 2012 was grand. I went to Tanzania and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. Visited Zanzibar. I went To South Africa and then visited Namibia. Namibia is a small country located west of South Africa. My objective was to visit the Himba. I enjoy immersing myself in African culture, for it is the authentic Africa. So I chose to visit the Himba tribe over spending the majority of my time in Westernized Windhoek. But what was more grand were the African women that I came to experience during this African excursion. African women treated me like GOD. They did everything for me, looked after me, cooked, introduced me to their families. They treated me like a king. Not saying that they didn’t have ulterior motives, but if they did, I was unaffected. The mistake I made was comparing my relationships with African women solely with my previous girlfriend. In that, I began pushing the narrative that African women are better than African American women. What was disingenuous in this was that I didn’t take into consideration the African American women that I dated before this relationship and the one that I dated after treated me equally as well or even better than the African women who I dated and encountered in Africa. As we speak, I am actually trying to salvage a relationship that ended due to my selfishness and immature behavior.
I thought that living in Africa with 3–5 wives would be heaven. It sounded good rolling off of my tongue. But in reality, it did not sit well in my spirit. I wasn’t being true to myself and when I was in pursuit of this polygamous lifestyle, I knew I was chasing a lie. The vast majority of men who I know in polygamous relationships shared with me that, “I would be crazy to even get involved in one.” The qualities that I’m looking for in my future wife is someone that I can build a brand with, assist in fulfilling their ambitions, someone with a similar vision as mine, someone that I can get out and grind and hustle with, someone that is not intimidated by each others growth and someone who will not fold when faced with adversity, of course depending on the type and level of adversity, someone who is willing to compromise, to name a few. The type of women that I see in many polygamous relationships, not all, are not on this level. The majority that I see are regulated to the home. So, polygamy is out for me.
I just don’t have the energy, focus, time, or love to split amongst different women. I am a one women man. I thought that heaven would be a harem of women in Africa but realized that I was wrong. It took me years, but know I strongly believe in the importance of family. A two-parent household is now a priority to me. Some might say that recognizing this after 38 years on this planet might be too late, but I’m a firm believer in that you are always at the right place at the right time.
A quote that a friend of mine shared with me and I have stated it countless of times before is as follows. “When does a man become a man? When he quickens to correct his mistakes.” Many of us, both men and women, instead of admitting our faults and taking ownership of our past wrongs, we choose to instead deflect. This is a sign of immaturity. I knew that I was the problem in the majority of the relationships that I was in with African American women but, instead I deflected and blamed it on them for not being as cultured as African women. I would be disingenuous to brothas to not acknowledge that many have had problems with our women who are born here in America, that brothas have been hurt by women who were of bad character, weren’t upright and had ulterior motives, but from speaking to brothas on the continent they run into the same issues over there as well. The only difference is that the African woman in Africa can’t weaponize the family court system. The African American woman can.
Moving forward, we should all be our authentic selves and tell the truth, Why? Because the truth was made to be told and an omission of the truth is just as bad as a lie. Pitting women from completely different backgrounds, experiences, and cultures was wrong and I’m here to correct it. Step one is to admit that everything African women offered me, the African American women in my past relationships offered me as well and I’m the one that dropped the ball.
