Everything I Know About Girlhood/Womanhood
Today feels like a very significant ending. It’s the ending of the first quarter of the year, and whether we hit the ground running in 2024, or that was just the warm up, the second quarter feels like another beginning. It’s the end of one of the quickest months. January likes to drag her feet, but March is an Olympic 100m runner, and she has places to be. It’s Resurrection Sunday, and for believers, it feels like when the stone was rolled away, so was our pain. We have hope once more.
It is also the end of International Women’s Month. And oh, how I love being a woman. In my mind, in my life, it’s international women’s year, every year for the rest of eternity. I’m the daughter of one of the fiercest women I know, so I’ve always been comfortable in this skin, but I’ve not always been proud to be like other girls/ women. Unlearning that, stepping into femininity and feminism, cultivating female friendships, has been one of the most fruitful pursuits as I transition from girlhood to womanhood. The thing is, we’re always going to have that little girl in us. No matter how old we get, how wise, how big. So, here is everything I know about girlhood.
Girlhood is learning at a young age that what is considered feminine is most often considered weak. It’s learning the lie that in order to be extraordinary you have to be different from the girls around you. It is being taught that proximity to maleness is strength. Girlhood is being 8 and learning that all girls like pink, so now you have to say that your favourite colour is black, so you can be unique. Even though you don’t really like black. Even though you still like pink.
Girlhood is being 10 and hearing over and over again that “female friendships have so much drama.” As though being able to feel, to communicate, to even exaggerate, are inherently bad things. And so you tell yourself you’ve never really wanted female friends. You tell yourself, girls just don’t get you. You just don’t fit in.
Girlhood is being forced to choose two “opposites”. You are either a tomboy or a girly girl. You’re either playing sports or learning how to sew. There is no space for the in-between. Girlhood is being 13 and having an eye for stylish dresses but also being a fast runner. Girlhood is choosing to be known as the athlete girl rather than the fashion girl. Or choosing to be the fashion girl rather than the athlete girl. Girlhood is fitting yourself in a box because it makes you more palatable.
Girlhood is getting your period at 15. You wonder what all the fuss is about, you wonder if this is truly your transcendence into womanhood. You have so many questions. And then it’s here. And then it’s over. And you don’t feel transformed. You don’t feel like your hips are childbearing hips. What you do feel, is agonising pain. Your body folds into two, your mind is spinning, and when it’s over you realize you will have to do this every month for many more years. You are not so sure you want to be a woman after all.
Girlhood is being 16 and being starved for love. It’s wishing for that perfect romcom worthy kiss. It’s kissing a lot of frogs in the hope that an amphibian will metamorphose into royalty. Girlhood is being heartbroken for the first time and wondering if you’ll ever survive the pain. Sometimes, girlhood is being indifferent to romance. It’s announcing to the older females in your life that perhaps marriage isn’t something you aspire to. You watch the looks of horror on their faces, you retreat. You wonder if you are insane. You realize then, that there is no winning. If you desire romance then you are boy crazy. If you do not desire romance then you are just plain crazy.
Girlhood is hearing horror stories about other girls on the news. Every headline, every girl that goes missing, every surge in teenage pregnancy, every rape, every child marriage. It leaves you looking at yourself through some distorted mirror. This unknown girl, she becomes your reflection. Thinking “this could have been me”. Girlhood is being overwhelmed by sadness. Girlhood is being overpowered by the weight of your rage with nowhere to put it down.
Girlhood is being 17 and thinking the game is rigged. That there is no winning. You will always be “too” something. Too loud or too quiet. Too ambitious or too lazy. Too liberal, perhaps. Too conservative for the times. Too skinny, too fat. Too tall, too short. Too naive, too worldly. Too book-smart, too silly. Too easygoing, too uptight. Girlhood is being “too” something because you will never get a perfect score on society’s arbitrary “good-girl” test.
Womanhood is deciding not to play the rigged game. It is choice.
Womanhood is reclaiming pink. And purple. And sparkly shiny things. Womanhood is buying everything you can in different shades of pink simply because you desire to. Womanhood is making a big deal over a movie about a plastic doll simply because you want to. Womanhood is recognising that the only qualification to being extraordinary is being woman. That has always been enough. Womanhood is craving the similarities. The shared experiences. The inside jokes that two women who have never met somehow just get. Womanhood is realizing soft and strong are not antonyms. That proximity to femininity can be liberating and powerful.
Womanhood is honouring female friendships. Drama and everything. It is creating space for sisterhood. It is leaning on the sound advice of women walking a path entirely different than yours. It is learning from the experiences of women walking a path you aspire to. Womanhood is a night out with the girls, because you will always be girls. It is celebrating a new job, an admission to university. It is showing up at a girlfriend’s house to kick out a bum boyfriend. It is accountability. Womanhood is a lot of hard conversations, and a lot of breathless laughter as well.
Womanhood is being flexible. Embracing your duality. Womanhood is being the fashion girl and the gym girl. It’s a full face of makeup in an executive board room, because you want to. Just because. Womanhood isn’t fitting into a box. It’s not even choosing two boxes. It is obliterating the box entirely. Womanhood is embracing your in-betweens, never watering yourself down for anyone or anything.
Womanhood is learning to be the ultimate girls’ girl. It is an emergency period kit in your purse. It is stumbling into a bathroom on a night out and helping a random sister with her mascara. It’s fixing a loose strand of hair for a friend. It is putting your girls on to the hidden gem hairdresser at the corner of your street who charges 50 cedis workmanship for goddess braids.
Womanhood is understanding that love is never in limited supply. It is revelling in self-love. In the love of your girls. It is accepting the love you know you deserve. Womanhood is living your own real life romcom. Womanhood is living your own eclectic fantasy. And, womanhood is also looking your mothers and aunts in the eye and telling them you’re not getting married. It is standing your ground, no matter how many times they bring it up at every family function. Womanhood is not just being content with that decision, but being ecstatic.
Womanhood is shutting up rape jokes before they can ever reach the punch line. Womanhood is growing old enough to learn that every woman in your life, every single one, has a story of abuse, of harassment, of untoward behaviour or assault. Womanhood is still hearing horror stories on the news, on the internet. Womanhood remains a distorted mirror of girlhood, no matter how old you are, how wise, how powerful. Every assault, every murder at the hands of a rejected man, every kidnapping, every headline of a 12 year old getting married to a man old enough to be her grandfather when she should be learning to read and carve out her own aspirations. It still leads you to think “this could have been me”. Womanhood is finding a place to put all that rage. Womanhood is choosing to fight. Choosing your own armour, your own battle. Womanhood is deciding to make a change in healthcare, in the criminal Justice system, in education, in ministry. It’s doing something, anything, because it could have been you, but it wasn’t. So it’s your responsibility to make sure that it’s not another little girl.
Womanhood is many things, and a lot of it is accepting the little girl you were. It’s loving her unconditionally. Even if she was a little “too-known” in class, even if she was a late bloomer. Womanhood is looking forward to aging, and aging with grace. 30 doesn’t have to be the new 20. Let the 30’s be the 30’s. Let the 50’s be the 50’s. And with every year added, every decade, every fine line, smile crease, and grey hair, womanhood is carrying a wealth of knowledge, of laughter and power. Womanhood is carrying it forward for the next generation of young girls.
