Instagram Boyfriend’s guide | Vol. 1
Most of the young girls around the planet have social media accounts. A lot of them have a boyfriend. Almost every single one of those who have a boyfriend are asking them to “take a picture”.
This is a guide to support my fellow mates trapped with a tag on their back saying “My own photographer❤️😍💏📸”.There’s no need to take the guide seriously — it has started as a joke, so I expect it to be fun and nothing beyond that.
#1 The one where you better keep calm.
You do admire her, so don’t be a pussy and brace yourself — it’s just a couple pictures anyway. I know you might want to kill her sometimes — all of us been there. Trust me, soon everything will be over, she’ll be happy, and will love you even more (at least for the next couple hours).
#2 The one where she knows best.
It’s not a secret that girls are quite critical about their own looks. Listen, if she thinks that her booty is a little too big, or her arm looks fat — DO NOT interfere. Tell her “I think it’s good, love. Though you know better.” and retreat for a safe distance. I repeat, do not let her know your own opinion, even if you disagree — there’s always that b*tch somewhere in the comments who says the same thing she just complained about to you, and your days will be doomed anyway.
#3 The one where nothing is yours.
It may sound pretty bad, but all of her pictures in your Instagram account are actually her. DO NOT try to prove the opposite. As follows, you shall not post pictures of her in your own profile without any approval — best get a written one. If you, idiot, have just ridiculously ignored that advice, and have posted (not the best in her opinion) picture in your account, for Christ’s sake, don’t you dare to delete it — she will get even more pissed if you do.
#4 The one where the food is not a food.
That goat cheese quiche or an amazingly tasty acai bowl (food names usually get pretty weird when you date an Instagram girl) aren’t for eating in the first place. Be patient and let her take the damn pictures. Once it seems like she’s done — be sure to make her double-check the photos, as she might have screwed them up (don’t be stupid enough to say that). This way you’d save yourself a)money — won’t have to buy the same shit for pictures twice; b)from stress — if it won’t go as she expects, your day might be doomed; c)time.
#5 The one with the pets.
Get a pet. The cuter — the best, as it will not only bring joy to your everyday life, but also save you from taking pictures, as your girl will be terrorizing the pet instead. Simple as that.
#6 The one where you’re the King of squats
Did you know that Insta-girls believe that their legs would look longer on a picture taken from a lower level? Wait, you never did a proper squat?
Here you go:
1) Put your legs wider than your shoulders;
2) Start sitting down until your legs bend as much as you can.
3) Now all you’ve got to do is to balance your body and not to fall. Good Luck!
For visual reference look at the illustration above — the Chinese dude is doing it 100% correct.
#7 The one with your phone running out of space.
While doing the pictures, try to take as many as you can. While most of them will be crap (no one looks perfect 100% of the time), your chances to take the perfect one will increase dramatically. Also, try to avoid Live Photo and bursts — just tap the hell out of the shutter button, otherwise pictures might get blurry or unfocused. And yes, the less she moves — the better.
#8 The one where your girl as a priority.
You might find yourself taking a picture of your girl along with a squad of her BFFs. Don’t fool yourself, boy — you’ll never get all those chicks looking good on the same picture. Just focus on your missus — she’ll still post the picture where she looks best without caring of anyone else. Remember — women are cruel.
#9 The one where we do nothing in the shadows.
Simple fact — all the pictures taken with an artificial source of light are mostly crap when compared to the ones taken with direct sunlight. Try to avoid it as much as you can. Shoot during a sunny day, or, at least, during the day time — this way you will get the best out of your phone’s camera. If you’re feeling like you are skilled enough, try doing a nice portrait during the Golden hour — the time when the sun starts going down and the gorgeous light condition kicks in.
#10 The one with the annoying people.
In case you guys are traveling together, there will be lots of places where she’ll need you as her own picture b*tch, and touristic places are usually crowded with people. Be brave enough to tell everyone around to piss off and secure a photo spot for your missus. Or wait an hour or so for the spot to free up, you little shit with a low self-esteem.
#? The one with support and sharing.
The user of this guide shall tell his fellow mates about it. Spread the word — you might save someone’s day or soul.
Hope you’ve enjoyed reading the first ten rules of being an Instagram Boyfriend. For sure there’s more to go! Feel free to leave your ideas for future issues of this guide in the comments below, and don’t forget to hit the “Clap” button.
For moral support & fun follow: https://www.facebook.com/Boyfriendsofinstagram/
For some practical examples see: My Instagram & Kate’s
