Why I always ask my “stupid” question

Remember that time when you were in a meeting, seminar, workshop, or class, and the discussion moved onto an unfamiliar topic?

Say, a new exciting technique of “zizibriming”.

Jen already uses it for a long time and is excited about it. Dave mentiones he’s done it twice last year. Jamie and Ally nod confidently… What the hell is “zizibriming” and, more importantly, why am I the only who doesn’t know it? No time to look it up on the phone; anyway, someone could look over my shoulder and I’d feel stupid. Just nod and smile and try to disappear, and wait it out. If only someone dared to ask. Should I ask? I don’t want to sound stupid, I’ll google it later.

Right? Wrong, dead wrong. Here’s why.

The odds are you are not the only one

If you are in this conversation, because you know something about the subject matter, chances are there are five other people in the room in the same exact situation. Do not be mislead by smiles and nods — people do that to feel better and want to appear “smart”, and inside they wish if only someone else asked. Relieve them of their misery, ask the question.

Since we are on the subject, absolutely do not prepend your question with the classic “This may be a stupid question, but..”. Ask it plainly, in case it actually is a smart question.

Down the rabbit hole

Suppose now someone mentiones a derivative technique “xixibriming”, and you are getting further lost. You wait for the conversation to come back to a known territory, but this may never happen. You have to keep pretending you know this, or sit there silently smiling and nodding for a long time. After you leave the room, you may have to continue pretending. Don’t do it to yourself, and ask the question.

You are missing out

When experts are in the room ready to help, and you are not participating, pretending like you know it all, you are wasting your valueable time. Do something else, or better — ask your question.

Small risk

Consider the worst case scenario: your question is as easy as you feared, that you end up sounding dumb. This may be true, but hear me out.

First of all, put yourself in the expert’s shoes and think what happens if someone asks you an easy question. You are actually likely to feel good about it: not only you have answers, but also you are gracious to share them.

Secondly, decent people will not make fun of an easy question; most likely, they quickly answer and move on. They may also ask you to take it offline and help you later. Even better, they may realize that not everyone can follow, and take a step back and provide more context.

Finally, in the unlikely scenario, in which the expert does make fun of you because your question was “dumb” — you will feel bad … for 30 seconds. The conversation will just move on. And you are learning, so a chance this happens again is lower now.

Last but not least, people who make fun of those who ask questions are not worth your time. Shrug it off and move on, jerks are part of life.

Big payoff long-term

Consider what happens if you keep asking when you don’t know something; even better, follow up with them, ask more. Do this day by day, week by week, and you will do less and less of it because you are learning. In the long term, you’ll be ahead of those who pretend they know, you will actually know.

Get noticed

When you ask, those who also had your question but did not dare to ask, will be thankful and remember you as brave. People who had answers, may remember your curiosity and integrity: when you know, you know, when you don’t, you ask. Only insecure people do not ask and pretend they know everything.

Fine print

There are two specific situations in which I’d take another action:

If “zizibriming” was mentioned only in passing and is not a center of the discussion, and I can follow the whole conversation otherwise— I let it go and look it up later, or in the moment on the phone. Not worth it to interrupt.

If I find myself asking time and time again, I stop asking and make sure I do not hijack the meeting. I study materials later, or schedule time with key people specifically to learn about this.

Conclusion

Ask your “stupid” question, because it is likely not “stupid”, and in any case, asking has lots of benefits, and you won’t regret it.