Bitesize Premier League preview 2016/17
It’s here. It’s finally here.
Or alternatively, how is it that the football season — the actual season — is already upon us?!
We’re sure you’ve probably read at least 13 previews and guides already, especially with the league now boasting the world’s finest coaches, but here’s something a tiny bit different.
I’ve rifles through all 20 sides, picking out their best signings, players with a point to prove and plenty more besides.
Dive in:
ARSENAL
Last season in five words: Managed to not finish fourth
This season in five words: Still no new centre forward
Best signing: Granit Xhaka
Biggest loss: Mikel Arteta
Player with a point to prove: Olivier Giroud
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 10 — If he leaves, it will be him walking away on his own terms.
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 5 — Stronger teams around them could make things uncomfortable should the customary new-year struggles drop them out of the top four.
If they were a cheese they’d be: Emmental. Still some holes
Prediction: 4th.
BOURNEMOUTH
Last season in five words: Stayed up with ease. Outstanding
This season in five words: Consolidation after spending on youth.
Best signing: Lewis Cook
Biggest loss: Matt Ritchie
Player with a point to prove: Jordon Ibe
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 9 — Even relegation wouldn’t cost Howe his job. It’s offers from elsewhere that will worry the Cherries.
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 1 — Even relegation wouldn’t be a crisis
If they were a cheese they’d be: Feta, decent but could crumble at any second
Prediction: 15th
BURNLEY
Last season in five words: Bounced straight back in style.
This season in five words: Another battle against the drop.
Best signing: Whoever arrives in central midfield
Biggest loss: Joey Barton
Player with a point to prove: Andre Gray
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 9 — Again, you’d like to think that even relegation wouldn’t cost the Ginger Mourinho his job.
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 2
If they were a cheese they’d be: Philadelphia. What they’ve got is okay but a bit thinly spread
Prediction: 18th — great togetherness, a talented manager but the squad and recruitment haven’t been good enough (again).
CHELSEA
Last season in five words: An unmitigated disaster. Completely awful
This season in five words: Big bounceback year under Conte
Best signing: N’Golo Kante
Biggest loss: Baba Rahman
Player with a point to prove: Eden Hazard
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 8 — Unlikely to go after just arriving and given that no European football makes his likelihood of success so much greater
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 4
If they were a cheese they’d be: Gorgonzola — Italian style and certainly not short of flavour but can sometimes suffer from being a little too much
Prediction: 2nd
CRYSTAL PALACE
Last season in five words: Disappointing ending. Poor depth exposed
This season in five words: Building further after ambitious buys
Best signing: Steve Mandanda
Biggest loss: Likely to be Yannick Bolasie
Player with a point to prove: Pape Souare
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 7 — A favourite among fans and the board, but we’ve seen the fear of relegation make people do funny things
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 4
If they were a cheese they’d be: Stilton — really good on its day but can fall apart under pressure
Prediction: 12th
EVERTON
Last season in five words: Fairly disastrous but late improvement.
This season in five words: New money, manager and hope
Best signing: Ashley Williams
Biggest loss: John Stones
Player with a point to prove: Romelu Lukaku — should he stay
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 8 — he appears to be the new regime’s chosen one
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 2
If they were a cheese they’d be: Like a Camembert, we want to see if this project is half-baked or comes out nicely
Prediction: 10th
HULL CITY
Last season in five words: Promotion at Wembley. Disaster since
This season in five words: Quite possibly an embarrassing campaign
Best signing: Ah yes, about that….
Biggest loss: Steve Bruce
Player with a point to prove: Abel Hernandez
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 2 — and we don’t even know who he is yet
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 10 — They’re already in one!
If they were a cheese they’d be: Gruyere. Melted.
Prediction: 20th
LEICESTER CITY
Last season in five words: Five thousand to one winners.
This season in five words: Champions League makes repeat impossible.
Best signing: Ahmed Musa
Biggest loss: N’Golo Kante
Player with a point to prove: Nampalys Mendy — Kante’s replacement
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 9
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 6 — there’s the fear that continental commitments and injuries could leave them in trouble
If they were a cheese they’d be: Parmeggiano reggiano — occasionally something aged from Italy arrives and just blows you away
Prediction: 7th
LIVERPOOL
Last season in five words: Improved under Klopp. Europa heartbreak
This season in five words: Continued improvement, maybe a cup.
Best signing: Loris Karius
Biggest loss: Joao Teixeira was let go far too cheap
Player with a point to prove: Alberto Moreno
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 9
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 5
If they were a cheese they’d be: Cambozola, a German that is surprisingly exciting
Prediction: 6th — There are just too many improving teams for four Champions League places
MANCHESTER CITY
Last season in five words: Limply fell apart under Pellegrini.
This season in five words: “Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City” begins
Best signing: Nolito — will outperform his £13m price tag
Biggest loss: Does Martin Demichelis count?
Player with a point to prove: Joe Hart
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 10
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 2
If they were a cheese they’d be: Manchego — A dry Spaniard that’s hard to beat
Prediction: Champions
MANCHESTER UNITED
Last season in five words: Boring van Gaal nabs cup
This season in five words: Jose, Paul and Zlatan fun.
Best signing: Paul Pogba
Player with a point to prove: Paul Pogba
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 9
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 3 — hard to get worse than last season but expectations are high
If they were a cheese they’d be: Truffled brie — very expensive and there could be tears if it goes wrong
Prediction: 3rd — anything but a title challenge is disappointing
MIDDLESBROUGH
Last season in five words: Thoroughly deserved promotion under Karanka.
This season in five words: Staying up the only aim.
Best signing: Victor Valdes
Biggest loss: Jonathan Woodgate
Player with a point to prove: Alvaro Negredo
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 7
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 4
If they were a cheese they’d be: Edam because they’ve been made back-to-front, focussing on defensive solidity
Prediction: 14th
SOUTHAMPTON
Last season in five words: Sneakily good again under Koeman.
This season in five words: Hoping Puel hits ground running.
Best signing: Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg
Biggest loss: Victor Wanyama
Player with a point to prove: Jay Rodriguez
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 4
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 5
If they were a cheese they’d be: Tomme de Savoie — a French flavour but you’ve barely heard of it
Prediction: 9th
STOKE CITY
Last season in five words: Top half under the radar.
This season in five words: Probably more of the same.
Best signing: Joe Allen
Biggest loss: Odemwingie barely counts
Player with a point to prove: Marko Arnautovic
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 7
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 2
If they were a cheese they’d be: Wensleydale. You know what you’re getting and on its day it can be surprisingly good
Prediction: 8th
SUNDERLAND
Last season in five words: Big Sam keeps them up.
This season in five words: Big Sam’s gone. Here’s Moyesy.
Best signing: Erm, Paddy McNair?
Biggest loss: Emmanuele Giaccherini
Player with a point to prove: Fabio Borini
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 6
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 6
If they were a cheese they’d be: Mild cheddar
Prediction: 16th
SWANSEA CITY
Last season in five words: Ten points clear of relegation.
This season in five words: A battle against the drop.
Best signing: Borja Baston
Biggest loss: Ashley Williams
Player with a point to prove: Borja Baston
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 3
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 6
If they were a cheese they’d be: Caerphilly, and they’ll need to tread the same way to avoid the drop as things stand
Prediction: 19th — Guidolin could be a disaster
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Last season in five words: Spursed second but promising signs.
This season in five words: Unlikely to go as close.
Best signing: Victor Wanyama
Biggest loss: Paul Mitchell
Player with a point to prove: Vincent Janssen
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 8
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 3
If they were a cheese they’d be: Halloumi — when perfectly cooked it’s nigh-on unbeatable
Prediction: 5th
WATFORD
Last season in five words: Great first year back up.
This season in five words: Another new manager, better squad.
Best signing: Isaac Success
Biggest loss: Miguel Layun was sold too cheaply
Player with a point to prove: Jerome Sinclair
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 7 — he’s new and has support of owners
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 5
If they were a cheese they’d be: Ricotta — you expect it to be good because it’s Italian but you soon realise there might not be too much to it
Prediction: 13th
WEST BROMWICH ALBION
Last season in five words: Stayed up under Tony Pulis.
This season in five words: Aim for survival, then see.
Best signing: There’s only been one — so Matt Phillips.
Biggest loss: Stephane Sessegnon
Player with a point to prove: Salomon Rondon
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 5 — he’s always on the brink of a bust-up and there’s still takeover talk
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 7
If they were a cheese they’d be: Red Leicester. Solid, basic but needs some more pizazz to turn heads
Prediction: 17th
WEST HAM UNITED
Last season in five words: Great first year under Bilic
This season in five words: New stadium, fixture congestion… regression?
Best signing: Sofiane Feghouli for free
Biggest loss: James Tomkins
Player with a point to prove: Andre Ayew needs to justify that fee
Manager’s survival rating (out of 10): 7
Likelihood of full-blown crisis (out of 10): 6.5
If they were a cheese they’d be: Bleu de Auvergne — relies too much on the French
Prediction: 11th
