On Being Non Binary
I’ve always felt different than the norm.
When I thought I was one of the “boys” I never really fit in.
Most of my very close friends growing up were girls. Because
of this, my femininity was very strong and most people
projected me as gay. I was groomed to perform
straight assigned male at birth black man. It felt
like my hair being brushed against the grain. Assumptions
always had me fucked up, even in gay/queer communities
I found myself in, after breaking shackles around my sexuality,
wanted to put me in boxes. Like porn categories gay and straight
folks would try to make me “fit” into what they have been exposed to.
Twink, butch, straight-acting, masc, femme, top, bottom, otter, beaver, bear good god.
I started wearing more dresses as boy jordan and when people asked me if I
was trans I said no. My only image of trans was still in relation to the binary
and I didn’t see myself as a woman. I was still a he/him bitch walking around in heels and turning summer looks left and right.
A dear sib told me one day I should research the story of third gender. I had no idea what she was talking about but she saw me before I did.
During my research I remembered this ancient pattern of my transcestors
fucking up the binary with their existence. It felt familiar. I had never been asked or even used they them pronouns before 2016. So everything has been very new to me.
In this very short period of time I’ve found other folks destroying gender,
found families of queer people of all the pronouns. Reshaped my relationship with trans identity. Reshaped my own patterns of assuming gender on people.
I’ve began a journey of communicating with the people I love who only saw “boy” Jordan. Who grew up with him, and played, drank, laughed, cried with him. Who now see how multi dimensional heshe has always been. From the jump. I’m thankful for the people around me who only know one person intimately who uses they/them pronouns: that person being me who make an effort to expand their language. I’m thankful for those who are practicing with me. I’m thankful for the “he, I mean they” “he…she” “Jordan” “what pronouns do you use?”
I’m thankful to the gender fuck communities that have magnetized around me, constantly shifting my own perception of gender itself, trans identity, non binary language and healing with chosen family. To others who may be exploring their own identity outside of what you have known your whole life, or what has been fed to you as truth for a very long time I see you. You are not alone. Their is a whole story of people in every culture that have done exactly this. They didn’t claim to know the answers, but they were unafraid to ask. Asked with what they wore, asked with how they moved, asked with who they loved, asked with how they lived. Even if that meant ridicule, even if that meant turned heads, dropt jaws, violence, and death. We come from a long line of those who lived in freedom by any means necessary. I ask that their strength and guidance find you today!
