Thoughts I’ve Had While Fasting with an Eating Disorder

Oh, wow, has my living room always been tilted? I should probably lie back down. No, I’ll sit so that it’ll be more active. But I did see that infographic about how there’s more pressure on your lower back when you sit rather than lie down. I want to be able to work out later without back pain. Screw it, I’m going for a run.

Yes! It’s the weekend, which means we’re going to the masjid [mosque] to break our fast. Ah, that means I have to dress up. If I wear this loose-fitting abaya [dress] for the second weekend in a row, will anyone notice? I could wear yet another skirt but they’re too tight at the waist, which is the last thing I want when I have to stand and pray for an hour. And my thighs touch and that’s uncomfortable. Unless I wear leggings. Is it too hot for leggings? If I had a thigh gap this wouldn’t be a problem. Ok, new plan, I’ll wear the skirt, eat half a date (maybe just some water?), pray Maghrib real quick, and then run home and change. That usually means overeating at home though. Do we even have anything to eat at home? I could grab food from somewhere. No, I should cook. Yes, I’ll cook.

I am way too tired to cook. I’m not even that hungry, I’ll just eat some crackers or something and it’ll be fine. Plus, I’ll probably overeat at night no matter what so what’s the point in a real dinner? Also, no more soda. Ever. I did so well that year when I drank only water and went to work out before every iftar [breaking the fast]. When was that? I can’t remember the year. It was so easy to do Zumba and run back then, I can definitely do it again. I just need to fix my diet. Bet if I had a thigh gap it’d be easier to run or dance before eating. No, that doesn’t make sense. Those things aren’t related. It would help though.

Fuck, there’s nothing here that I want to eat. Fuck, I just said fuck and now my fast probably won’t count. Does it count if it was in my head? I could grab a slice of pizza from the kids’ section. No, that’s so much worse, there are around 300 calories per slice. Two slices in and I’m already at halfway for the day. I just needed some hummus and pita but it’s all gone at this point. There’s the dessert table, that’s stocked pretty full. No, I have to eat real food first, then I get to have dessert. I’ll just try one bite of each thing I want so that I don’t have too much dessert. On the other hand, I could just grab some coffee from the kitchen. Coffee is sweet. No creamer or sugar though, I’m not an animal.

Shit, I think he just saw me take a bite of that bread. Anddd I cursed again. Great. I’m doing just great this Ramadan. Is there any way to start the month over? I’ll do better next year. He probably only likes the super thin girls. Hah, he’s so attractive, there’s no way he was looking at me. I’m probably in the clear. Next time I’ll make sure no guys are around when I sneak a bite, though, just in case.

I hate myself. Why did I let myself eat an entire plateful? I knew I’d be full after just a few bites, it’s like that every day. And yet here I go, eating full to the brim just like every other night. I’m so full. This is uncomfortable. I like feeling hungry, it only hurts for a little while. Heck, it hurt when I ate, too. There weren’t any table seats left so now we’re on the floor again. How have I still not figured out how to sit on the ground without looking like a whale out of water? If I sit on my knees I think I look okay, but then my legs go numb and I have to lean to one side or the other. I can’t myself do that again, I’ve seen myself in pictures that way and it is not pretty. If I can secure a spot near the wall at least I can lean against it and then bend my knees. I think that’s my best bet for covering my stomach. Then I can prop my plate up on my knees. Win-win.

I do love Ramadan. I love being at the masjid, it makes me feel so calm and grounded. Also this carpet is super pretty. Some of the lights are out. Are they supposed to be out? Oh God, is that a spider? I’m going to pretend like I can handle it. I’m an adult. Nope, it can fly, time to find a different spot. Hope no one cares that I just messed up the prayer line. I’m ready to be back on a normal eating schedule. Maybe after Ramadan is over I can cook again. But I really don’t want it to be over. Maybe I can just cook tomorrow. Yes, I’ll make the perfect portions of protein, carbs, and avocado for fat. Only half the avocado this time, though, it didn’t make sense to have the entire thing last time. But storing it is such a hassle. What’s the proper way to do it? I think lemon juice on the avocado and then wrap it in plastic wrap? Or was it lime juice? How many days is that good for? It’s fine, I’ll do it. Only half.

Only half.