For reasons I would rather not go into, I ran 23 miles in sandals. That’s what prompted me to run a marathon with shoes on.

The gentleman who sold me my first pair of running shoes told me he had lost a toenail when he ran his first marathon, but he didn’t even feel it because of the adrenaline. I’ve tried on every brand of running shoe, and I can tell you thatBrooks is the best brand. Run happy. I don’t get a commission if you buy Brooks, it’s just an honest opinion. Maybe I should. I own a pair of Brooks adrenaline running shoes for road running, and a pair of Brooks Beast for trails.

It seems that out of all of the available topics that exist for conversation, the majority of people prefer discussing the self. That’s another minor reason why I decided to run a marathon. I was told by a professor in college that all human decisions have an explanation and a motive. That was in a psychology class I took before I decided I wanted to be an English major.

When people start bragging about their accomplishments, I can now change the subject with full confidence that the person with whom I’m speaking probably has not run a marathon.

”Well, that’s interesting. I’m glad you passed the bar exam, but I remember when I hit mile 20 at Lake Montebello, and I hit the wall. Two toe nails were gone, floating freely in my shoe. My mind had completely deteriorated; I was incapable of conversation, covered in sweat, swatting at imaginary flies.”

Of course that’s a lie. I don’t think any of that happens for the average person until you decide to run an ultra-marathon. The “wall” is a complete myth, and anybody can run a marathon if they can find the time to train. If I can do it and Oprah Winfrey can do it, so can you.

The reason I post my runs on twitter is because there’s no good reason. I suppose the real reason is to motivate myself. I originally created the account to connect with local writers. I’ve also used twitter to attempt to sell the paperback rights for The Ukrainian Game (my novel and failed kickstarter project) to Simon and Schuster, and get “Pistol Pete” published in The New Yorker. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’m optimistic. Now I mostly use twitter to spam people with my book reviews on goodreads, and to try and sell a few copies of my prose poetry novella.

Although “the wall” is a myth, the runner’s high isn’t. I thought it was when I first started, but then I got addicted. There are worse addictions I’m sure. Running has played a central role in the development of the species and was central to our survival at one time, so it makes sense that there is a biological reward for doing it in the form of endorphins.

I’m listening to “The Summer (Ibiza Influence Version) by ATB right now on Pandora, and it’s glorious while I write this. It’s even more glorious while I’m running in the woods by a deep blue lake. I read in Outside magazine that exercising near bodies of water calms the mind and is beneficial for mental health. I wonder why?

The runner’s high is hard to explain to the non-runner. The first time is like losing your virginity; your heart is palpitating, your head is spinning, and you’re in complete ecstasy. Blood is pumping to every appendage, and the senses are heightened.

The average “runner” will wake up before work, run for 20 or 30 minutes, get tired and then stop. Those people may never know what I’m talking about. But hey, good for them. If they do that 2 to 3 times a week, they will be in great shape and probably save money on medical bills in the long run (excuse the pun).

I wanted to get one of those “26.2” bumper stickers for my car, but after I saw a “0.0” bumper sticker, I realized people would think I’m bragging.

A marathon is 26.2 miles. I had to find that out the hard way. I had no clue and didn’t care as to the exact mileage. That’s not the reason I considered buying a bumper sticker or running in the first place. I considered buying a bumper sticker to encourage other people to run so that they may experience the same joy that I have experienced. I listened to a compelling counter-argument from my Jewish friend: bumper stickers decrease the value of the vehicle. A car is an investment and there’s no reason to desecrate it with silly stickers. I feel the same way about tattoos on the human body, but I may retract that statement if I ever complete an Ironman (the 140.6 one, not the sissy one).

”How do I get high by running?” you ask.

Well you have to at least hit the lactate threshold, which occurs after approximately 40 minutes of running. I would say that the exact amount of time is variable and probably differs from person to person. There are many factors including: body weight, heart rate, and average pace. I would say you have to go for at least two hours. The best way to do it is to just start running at a pace that you know you can maintain for an extended period of time. Continue until you feel like you cannot go any further and are about to collapse. That’s the time to accelerate. Start sprinting. Your mind is programmed to tell your body that you are tired, but you have to over-ride the mind. It’s analogous to the “gas empty” light on the instrument panel on your car. When that pops up, you can still drive for at least another 20 miles.

The best way to over-ride the mind is to listen to techno or any music that mimics the natural rhythms of the heart. Distract yourself and think about something else. I like to listen to books on tape for the first couple of hours and then switch to music when I start to get tired. Do what I say and you will be rewarded for it; in more ways than one.

When I was running every day, my whole body felt like it was overloaded with testosterone, and my sex drive was through the roof. It is rumored that couples who run together have better relationships and better sex, but you will have to confirm that on your own because I cannot verify it. Running reduces stress and reverses the aging process. There’s so many pros and so little cons.

When I first stated to family and friends that I was going to run a marathon, they didn’t believe me. Fuck’em. I also said that I was going to write a novel that will echo throughout the halls of eternity. That’s still on the to do list.

I never ran competitively until I turned thirty. I wanted to enter right away, just to see if I could do it, but my uncle told me to first run a 5k. I did that and got shin splints because I had no idea what I was doing and bought the wrong shoes. Then I bought Brooks.

I didn’t plan on training for and running a marathon in six weeks; it just happened that way. I initially signed up for the half marathon. After a little research on the internet, I discovered that you need to incorporate at least one long run in your training program. This run had to be at least 20 miles. Running after that point becomes pointless because the muscles break down, damage occurs to the body, and the recovery time is too great.

A week before the race, I said to myself, “I’m going to try a 20 miler and see what happens.” I went to the track at Goucher College with a running belt,energy gels, a water bottle, and began. I think what inspired me the most was an old woman who was running on that same track and had been doing so for a very long time. She was in her sixties and still running, clearly training for the Baltimore marathon. Her shirt was a reward that she had received from running in a previous marathon. It said 26.2, and I had only signed up for 13 point 1. I told myself that if she could do it, I could.

That day I ran 20 miles in 2 and a half hours around a track.

Afterwards, I uploaded it to twitter. I was in extreme pain at about mile 12, but I powered through it. It wasn’t until the adrenaline wore off and I stopped listening to Rick Ross that I realized I had acquired a serious case of tendinitis, and may not be able to participate in the half-marathon a week later.

I had been running almost everyday for six weeks and didn’t know any better. I didn’t want to travel to run a marathon because I didn’t want to pay for gas and a hotel. I definitely didn’t want to wait another year to participate in one. So I paid the extra ten dollars a couple days later and signed up for the full. I asked my friend if he would come to visit me at the finish line. He said he would visit me in the hospital instead. In his defense, that’s because I had only been running for six weeks.

When I went to M&T Bank Stadium a few days before the race to pick up my free T-shirt and other items, I had to navigate through a sea of salesmen, booths, and other individuals trying to ram their running products down my throat. I ended up purchasing a few energy gels because they were a good deal, but that was because I had forgotten that they would be free during the race. The highlight of that experience was paying the $10. The attractive woman who handed me my bib number explained to me the difference between the meaning of the words “half” and “full” on the back. The word “full” inscribed on the back of a bib number on a runner translates to “I’m awesome”, according to her.

The day of the race I woke up at 4 am and poured ice into the bathtub. I still had tendinitis. Thirty seconds after I hopped in and became numb, I felt a lot better. I couldn’t find a parking place in downtown Baltimore on the day of the race. I got to the starting line late and was stuck in the 10 minute mile starting herd. I should have been in the 7 or 8 minute mile starting herd.

There was a bottle neck at the beginning. People were too slow. That just goes to show that you can always walk if you get tired. When I got to the Baltimore Zoo, I remember seeing a banner that looked like a marriage proposal. It was a marriage proposal. They probably met running marathons.

“Will you marry me, Helga (not her real name)?”

Who proposes in a zoo? Would you be offended if someone proposed to you in a zoo? I don’t think I would be offended. The world is a zoo.

When I reached the finish line, it was very anti-climatic. I got a medal and limped to my car. Never did I walk! I was always jogging or running the whole way. I felt great after it was over and got stuck in traffic on the way home.

When you run your first one, keep in mind that you can always just stop at any time, or you could just start walking. I wouldn’t use the restroom in those portapots on the side of the road though. I was running past one and someone’s legs locked up while they were sitting in there and they got stuck. Good luck!

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