Fears

Can I tell you what makes me scared, find clarity, and conclude to calm?

I’m scared I am not nearly good enough for you. And I mean that, “good” enough. I’m scared you will look around you and realize that you would rather love an artist, someone who can paint your picture in a way that highlights the wrinkles in your biggest smile, or someone that can write poetry that shakes your bones, or someone that can fix a tire on your bike in two minutes flat. I’m scared my lack of self confidence will be what breaks us and that will make me hate myself more. I’m scared you think I am things that I am not. I’m scared you will find someone who has done this before and learned their lessons rather than a rookie like myself who has a large learning curve. I’m scared you look down on me and I am scared that I am a person valued less than others. I’m scared your grace will be wasted on my trichy hands and heart. I’m scared I can never return or repay you for the care you give to me. I’m scared when you remind me of your love. I’m scared when you tell me that you never want me to doubt your feelings and it grows with each all tender thing you say, it makes me fear you question my feelings. I’m scared this fear will break us. I’m scared I am weak. I’m scared I am too fucked up and will not be quick enough to discover my strength for redemption. I’m scared for when you leave me in a pile of dust, and I blow away in the wind, sad, no longer ferocious or strong. I’m scared this self doubt will consume me. I’m scared I will never find myself. Im scared of the sun coming up tomorrow and pretending to try to cope again. Im scared I am more crazy than I ever thought. I’m scared you will wake up one day and think you settled for me. I am scared I am a person to be settled for. I’m scared to go to sleep because I could wake up and my mom may be dead. I’m scared I would feel these things even if she wasn’t sick. I’m scared the quirks about me that you adore now will turn sour on your tongue. I’m scared of maintaining so much fear when I know you are the one. I am very scared of the sweet things you will come up with to calm my fears. I am scared of when you tire of doing so.

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