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“I used to drink,” writes John Bradshaw, “to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed.”

Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.

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Book ID Asin: 0757303234
Book Title: Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics)
Book Author: John Bradshaw
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Book Format Price: $12.99
Book Format Name: Hardcover
Book Format Price: $47.95
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Book Format Price: $30.54
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Book Category: Books, Health, Fitness & Dieting, Addiction & Recovery and unknown
Book Rating: 1,925 ratings

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics) by John Bradshaw Book Review

Name: Thomas J. Farrell
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Insightful and challenging, but not well written!
Date: Reviewed in the United States on January 18, 2012
Review: I have found John Bradshaw’s book HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU (1988; rev. ed. 2005) insightful and challenging, but not well written, even though the 2005 edition is definitely an advance over the 1988 edition. But my impression is that Bradshaw has not fully digested his own thoughts, not even in the expanded and updated 2005 edition.

For example, on page 26 of the 2005 edition, he mentions how shame-based children in school become “either a conformist or a rebellious ruffian or bully.” But this is the last time that he ever mentions conformists. However, his one-time mention of conformists is an advance beyond the 1988 edition, where he discusses only the rebels (probably because he himself was a rebel in certain ways).

Then on page 143 of the 2005 edition, he says that “not everyone is shame-based.” He also makes this statement on page 108 of the 1988 edition.

But he makes no attempt to clarify his statement. In short, he offers no explanation as to why “not everyone is shamed-based.”

So let me set forth here an explanation as to why “not everyone is shamed-based.” In the second edition of his fine book HELPING GRIEVING PEOPLE — WHEN TEARS ARE NOT ENOUGH: A HANDBOOK FOR CARE PROVIDERS (2011), J. Shep Jeffreys discusses attachment theory as developed by John Bowlby and others (pages 49–55, 307). Jeffreys explains both secure attachment bonding and nonsecure attachment bonding, including three different kinds of nonsecure attachment bonding:

(1) anxious-ambivalent nonsecure attachment bonding;

(2) dismissive-avoidant nonsecure attachment bonding; and

(3) fearful-avoidant nonsecure attachment bonding.

Now, I would argue that “not everyone is shamed-based” because not everyone has experienced nonsecure attachment bonding with his or her mother (or mother-figure) and father (or father-figure).

In other words, shame-based people, as Bradshaw uses this term, experienced nonsecure attachment bonding with either mother or father or both.

By contrast, people who experienced secure attachment bonding with both mother and father are not likely to be shame-based people, as Bradshaw uses this term.

As Bradshaw uses this term, shame-based people have emotionally limited lives, because their emotions, except for anger, are bound, as he puts it. But he does not say that the emotions of shame-based people have disappeared. But he does say that their emotions are bound, except for anger.

So if you have no reason to suspect that your emotions are bound, except for anger, then you have no reason for reading HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU.

Next, I want to discuss Bradshaw’s remedy for shamed-based people: grief work. He likes to say that grief is the healing feeling. But in shame-based people, toxic shame has bound their emotions, except for anger. In shame-based people toxic shame has bound the emotion of grief. But according to Bradshaw, healthy grief is the healing feeling, so healthy grief work is the way for shamed-based people to overcome the toxic shame that binds them and their emotions, except for anger.

So if all of the points of Bradshaw’s analysis are correct, then shame-based people need to experience healthy grief work.

We can speak of two broad categories of healthy grief work: (1) mourning the death of a loved one (also known as bereavement) and (2) mourning nondeath losses.

In her fine book THE JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING (2000), Susan Anderson discusses mourning nondeath loss of a loved one (i.e., the loss of a love relationship). However, I would generalize beyond the focus of her book on nondeath loss of a loved one. I would say that the mourning process that she discusses applies to a wide range of nondeath losses, not just to the nondeath loss of a loved one.

Now, people who had one secure attachment bonding experience early in life, either with mother or father, will probably be able to work their way through the mourning process to healing, as Anderson describes this mourning process.

However, the emotions, except for anger, of shame-based people are bound, including the emotion of grief. So for shame-based people, the journey from abandonment to healing that Anderson discusses will be impossible for them to complete as she describes it, unless and until they somehow experience a breakthrough to healthy mourning. By definition, shame-based people have unresolved grief issues. The only way in which unresolved grief can be resolved is through grief work.

Next, I want to discuss mourning the death of a loved one (also known as bereavement), which is not exactly the same as mourning nondeath loss of a loved one.

Once again, Susan Anderson, C.S.W., provides a useful discussion of mourning the death of a loved one in her fine essay “Suffering the Death of a Loved One” (2006), which is available at her website: […]

Because of her resilience in going through the processes of mourning not only the non-death loss of a loved one but also the death of a loved one, I am going to refer to her as a exemplar of healthy mourning.

Other exemplars of healthy mourning of the death of a loved one include C. S. Lewis in A GRIEF OBSERVED (1961), Joan Didion in THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING (2005), Joyce Carol Oates in A WIDOW’S STORY: A MEMOIR (2011), and Meghan O’Rourke in THE LONG GOODBYE: A MEMOIR (2011).

As the accounts of healthy mourning of the death of a loved one by Susan Anderson, C. S. Lewis, Joan Didion, Joyce Carol Oates, and Meghan O’Rourke attest, healthy mourning of the death of a loved one is a powerful experience. Indeed, it is such a powerful experience that it can at times become overpowering and lead to a mental breakdown such as clinical depression.

In addition, healthy mourning of the death of a loved one can at times involve unresolved grief issues in the mourner’s life. By definition, unresolved grief issues need to be resolved. As Bradshaw points out, unresolved grief issues can be resolved only through healthy grief work.

But can shame-based people, as Bradshaw uses this term, ever experience healthy grief work in connection with mourning the death of a loved one? In short, can shame-based people experience healthy mourning of the death of a loved one? As a far as I know, Bradshaw does not explicitly address this question.

In light of Jeffreys’ discussion of secure attachment bonding versus nonsecure attachment bonding, it strikes me that the mourner’s attachment bond with the deceased loved one would be the most important consideration.

Is it always the case that shame-based people never form a secure attachment bond throughout their lives, because of their nonsecure attachment bonds in their early lives with mother and father?

Is it always the case that two admittedly shame-based people, as a result of nonsecure attachments with mother and father in their early lives, could not possibly form a secure attachment bond with one another?

But if certain shame-based people, as Bradshaw uses this term, somehow manage to form a secure attachment bond with a shame-based loved one, will the death of that loved one lead the mourner to experience healthy grief, as distinct from unhealthy grief?

At times, Bradshaw makes it sound as though shame-based people are incapable of forming a secure attachment bond. This implication seems to follow from the early experiences of shame-based people with mother and father.

But if shame-based are indeed truly incapable of forming a secure attachment bond, then doesn’t it follow that they are also incapable of healthy mourning?

When Bradshaw himself works as a psychotherapist with an admittedly shame-based client, doesn’t the client need to form a secure attachment bond with Bradshaw-the-psychotherapist in order for the client to be moved to undertake healthy grief work?

If this is the case in psychotherapy, then it would seem to me that it would be the case in real life as well.

In any event, the important thing is for people to be capable of serious mourning.

Name: Diva
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Self healing book
Date: Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2022
Review: This is one of the best books I’ve read. It’s really helped me deal with anxiety and feelings of rejection. I finally put the puzzle pieces together. It also brought up feelings towards my parents that I had buried a long time ago so I did cry like a baby a couple of times. My therapist was surprised that I all of a sudden started to feel better from my anxiety so quickly and I told her about this book.

Name: Ana F
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Real breakthrough
Date: Reviewed in the United States on August 10, 2012
Review: Ah. So It has a name. That feeling that follows us through years and years, that keeps eating at us and deteriorating our life. At first you double the efforts to keep on functioning and achieving (“put your back into it!”). Some achievements come with that. But you feel increasingly drained, fearful of disasters and failure (which can lead you smack into some of them btw), and just so gd tired. And weirdly empty, disconnected and phony even to yourself. Soooo…. bit by bit you keep on trying to quench that nagging dissatisfied thirst with… well, just plain more. More work. More “fun” (a world of problems here, none of them fun at all). More money. More shoes. And always thinking “when I get that new (i) car (ii) job (iii) promotion (iv) title (v) ring etc etc etc, I’ll feel better. More serene and real. I’ll find “my” place, where I “belong””.
One therapist once told me that this sounded like “when I grow up…”. I never forgot that.
This book is important. To me, it was an absolute revelation.
If you identify with anything I wrote above, check this book out. It brings an almost immediate feeling of relief. What happens after the first eureka moment is up to each one of us and our individual stories. But, as a group, it’s like realizing your symptons are documented and part of a disease that afflicts a lot of people and not just you — and which CAN be treated; which has nothing to do with your real identity.
And that place? Where we belong? It’s right there inside each of us, patiently waiting for us to come back. I’m trying to find my own way back, and this book was the most precise and clearest “guide” I found so far. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m on my way. Using the right road and all. At the right pace.
I do wish I had come across this before. But then again, time and place for everything, right?