The Tiresome Trials Of Dating In Your 30s.
Is it just me or is dating in your 30s a tedious chore of deciding who irritates you the least?
I was celibate from 23 – 33 and wasted my most agile (and attractive) years terrified of intimacy due to an abusive experience.
I launched into an affair with a man 5 years my junior on my 33rd birthday and have dated a few other men since and I’m finding myself less and less impressed and more and more irritable as I tediously evaluate and dismiss all potential suitors.
I’m not sure if I would feel differently had I been more active in the dating scene during my 20s. Maybe I would be MORE bitter had I had bad experiences. All I know is, is that the men that approach me seem to have serious alcohol issues, lie about things not even worth lying about, constantly refer to their previous relationships and expect a woman in her 30s to retain the youthful flexibility of a 19 year old - physically, emotionally and intelligibly.
Most men my age and older have children and that’s fine with me.
What’s not fine is enmeshing me in a precarious custody situation whereby your ex partner and mother of your children feels slighted if you introduce said children to me. Something I experienced recently.
Infact, observing how a man talks about and interacts with his children is a good gauge on their moral standing in life. Having a child they never see rings alarm bells. Or, as one guy did, taking alcoholic beverages to the park and drinking while the kids played is another major warning signal.
Another biggie for me is hearing a man speak about his exes like they ain’t shit. I can understand being bitter about certain people but I find it hard to believe that every man I’ve encountered in the dating scene was truly jilted by their previous partner. I’ve had terrible experiences but I don’t talk about them to potential suitors.
Do men expect us to give them sympathy sex? Is that why they harbor resentment toward ex girlfriends or ex wives and feel that detailing all their bad experiences with their previous partner is pivotal to establishing a new relationship?
I have no desire to compete with someone from your past or pay penance for their crimes. If you’re harboring resentment towards your ex maybe you should work on that before approaching a new lady.
Alcohol is an intrinsic part of Western culture. Especially my generation. I went from binge drinking as a teenager to drinking regularly as an adult only to find now that it makes me nauseous so rarely imbibe. I’ve recently discovered that most men (and women) my age and older still binge drink regularly or if not binge drink, drink everyday, to the point of intoxication, while holding down jobs, families, social lives, and this disturbs me. Who am I really speaking to? Who am I romantically involved with? We are rarely the same person sober compared to our intoxicated selves and I am extremely wary of getting involved with someone who is under the influence only to find they are a completely different person sober.
Online dating Vs Mutual friends – it really depends on the type of people you associate with. I’ve found myself in dangerous situations trying both options. The difference is basically the other person being known to those around you but that in no way verifies their suitability as a partner. You’ll probably have more choice online but then you need to take a bigger risk as to who you’ll actually meet in person.
I’ve been lied to about everything from their attraction to me physically to their financial stability. I’ve been lied to about age, employment status, relationship status, substance abuse.
One guy actually lied about being a citizen for reasons I have no idea why.
I thought that being honest and open to the idea of a purely physical relationship would stem the tide of deviousness believing that if I’m upfront about a no strings attached fling then there’d be no need for misleading or disingenuous approaches.
Boy was I wrong.
It seems men want to try and convince you they are relationship material even when they don’t have to. It’s as if honesty is a weakness and to be truly manly then they must express some falsehood to keep their imagined image of themselves intact.
I’m 34 years old.
I’m an average body type.
I don’t work out everyday and I do not have the energy I had in my youth. I’m not looking to fuck like it’s a competitive sport. I’m also not trying to compete with the physical appearance of someone younger than me or more well endowed. I’m honest with men about what I’m not only interested in, but capable of. Initially the men I’ve dated have accepted this, only to impose expectations on me afterwards that I’ve already outlined I’m not going to meet. If I’m not your ideal then don’t approach me. I’m not going to settle for just anyone and I do not suggest others do either.
I’m not a man hater. I truly appreciate many aspects of maleness but I’m very frustrated trying to maneuver my way around this mire of fuckboys intent on presenting themselves as something they’re not.
At my age, peace, stability, honesty and safety are paramount. I find single life unfulfilling at times but that doesn’t mean I’m going to jeopardize my wellbeing or security for someone’s affection.
I’m not prepared to dumb myself down or pay a blind eye to the lies.
I’m not going to compete or try to live up to an unrealistic expectation.
I’m interested in adding to my life in a fullfilling way, not making compromises out of foolishness or desperation.