The only constant in life is change, right?
You come back home tonight. You’ve been gone for a couple weeks, and I leave in a few days. This is how it’s been. You leave, I stay.. but never for long before I leave again… and we’re growing apart.
How long has it been like this?
I know we have a lot to work on with so little to work with. I’m not sure how we’re going to do it, but I think we both want to. If there’s a slightest chance to fix the ruins of our martyred attempts at a generous life together, I know we’ll give what it takes. The question is… do you have anything left to give?
See, this whole relationship was founded by your strength of giving. I took all you gave. I took because you gave. I was a different person then, you know? I’ve grown. They say a person changes every 5 years… I was definitely a different person 5 years ago. So were you. I’d like to be the person I am now, along your side, but I have a feeling that you just don’t like who I’ve become. I’m not sure I like who you’ve become either.
Then, I was meek and vulnerable. I was lost and had no direction; no goals or aspirations or drive. I was hurt and suffering and you came along and saved me. You showed me tenderness. Patience. Everything I needed to sprout into a new way of being. How to stray from hate and anger even though it was all I wanted to succumb to. You nurtured me into strength and success. I’ve become confident and sure of myself, my role and my way. I have you to thank… you and others, too.
So now, while I’m shining in my own light… I’ve left you behind. Unintentionally, of course, but that doesn’t seem to matter to you. What you feel is neglect, and I’m sorry for that. I want to explore and try new things, good and bad, and I want to be honest with you about everything. This is where the separation has been made clear. You’re growing in the direction of self-assurance and spirituality… but honey, I’m barely starting to figure this out. I’m getting to know myself now. I want to have adventures! I want to travel and get in trouble and learn from my mistakes.
I tried to be honest, once, you know? You pushed me away and held it against me and guilted me into thinking that I’d done something terribly wrong. You shamed me. You’re still bitter and we’ll never be able to share that now, because it’s an ugly thing. So where do I go? In a path away from you, lying? Or do I pretend it’s not there, and allow the distance between us to grow, silently? Both are criminal. Both are unfair… to both of us. I don’t want to resent you for feeling like you’re too critical or too judgmental or too possessive. I don’t want you to stray because you don’t feel loved or wanted or needed anymore.
They say a person changes every 5 years, and I wonder, would you have loved the person I am now, then?