Face your Fears, admit your Faults, and be Precise in your speech.
Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life: Rule #10: Be Precise In Your Speech
During senior year of high school, I did not communicate well with my mom. Actually, I did not communicate with her much at all.
“오늘 잘 지냈어? Did you have a good day today?”
응 yeah.
That was all I said.
When things didn’t go my way, I would take the frustration on her. I pushed her away. And then I went to college.
In college, I realized how much of a piece of shit I was. I committed to making it all up to her. To become a better son. But it wasn’t until the second year of college when I got the courage to called her up and bring up the past. She jokingly said, “있을데 잘하지 You should’ve behaved when I was with you.” I wanted her to start calling me again. To be the first one to ask how I was doing. To ask if I had a girlfriend. I hurt her tremendously when I pushed her away. So she chose to give me space. She had that right.
In my third year of college, I called her again. This time, I laid it all out again. I told her how awful I felt inside. I was rotting in guilt. I wanted her to call me. I wanted her to be close to me. I was visualizing myself as a 30-year-old and her as a 62-year-old, and I didn’t want us to be aloof. I wanted her to know who I was. What my ambitions were. What kind of person I am and who I want to be. She didn’t really know any of that. And that brought tears to my eyes.
Because I could never have a genuine conversation with her.
Things are different now. We’re closer, but I’m still a pain in the ass. 2 months ago my mom’s car broke down. She lets me drive it like it’s my car. It took about a month to figure out how to fix it. She said it probably broke because I started driving it. I got defensive, saying there was already an issue in the past when my cousin drove it one time. But this frustration carried on through how I drove the car. I drive fast. Not over the speed limit. I just drive assertively. I could’ve just said “yeah, I’m sorry I drive fast. Maybe that’s why the car broke down. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be a better driver.” Driving scares her. Even when I brake late and it seems like I’m gonna hit the car ahead of me, she comments, telling me to brake earlier. And I think I’m doing a fine job driving, but I don’t see it from her perspective. Driving is scarier on the passenger side. I freak out when my sister drives. And it ticks her off too.
One day I was backing out of the parking spot and didn’t’ see the trash can and broke the side light and scratched the bumper. This was the one time I made a mistake. The one time I didn’t look carefully. The one time out of 99% of the time I’m consciously avoiding accidents. My mom scolded me. And I got defensive. I took it out on my mom again. But I didn’t’ see it from her perspective. It’s HER car. And I wasn’t careful. So I bought new lights and repaired it. I told her I was sorry.
“When things break down, what has been ignored rushes in. When things are no longer specified, with precision, the walls crumble, and chaos makes its presence known” -JP
I didn’t take responsibility to make up for the cultural differences she and I spare. I say cultural, because I’m American, and she’s not. I pushed her away because I didn’t understand her parenting technique. And I kept things vague. I didn’t’ speak to her. And I didn’t even want to try.
I get frustrated when I can’t explain myself (that’s why I write). Especially when I can’t explain things in Korean. I’m stubborn. And it’s hard to say sorry when I feel like something isn’t entirely my fault. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s worth it to be humble and just say sorry. Sincerely.
A couple of weeks ago, I told my mom about my dream car. A blue Datsun 510. I wanted to either buy one modified or start from scratch and modify it myself. The turbocharged one on the DRIVE channel is the one I want. She told me I could save up money and buy one, but also her car, a 2004 Lexus IS 300, wouldn’t sell for much. And she was right. But I didn’t necessarily like the car.
Today I was out and about with my mom, and I told her that I didn’t want to sell her car to buy a new one. I liked the sentimental value it carried. It only has 80k miles on it, and my mom barely drove it around. I did some research. It’s a great starter car for car enthusiasts. And carries the same 2JZ-GE inline six as the 2nd gen Toyota Supra. The car is stock, and all parts are genuine. We just recently had to change the belt and get a new throttle system, but other than that, there have been no issues. All because my mom pampered the car.
After telling her I didn’t want to sell the car, my mom reminded me of a friend I had who got everything he wanted. And she knew I wanted everything he had. But there’s also someone out there that wants what I have. And I told her some people Uber to work because they don’t have a car. I’m grateful she lets me use her car. I told her I wanted to keep the car. And later I would maybe add a sporty suspension or turbo to beef it up. And that I wanted to fix all the scratches I made. To restore it and keep it clean. By fixing the car, I was fixing myself.
There’s always someone’s shoes I want to be in. And there’s always someone who wants to be in my shoes. I’m wearing the best pair of shoes in the now.
“Why refuse to specify, when specifying the problem would enable its solution? Because to specify the problem is to admit that it exists. Because to specify the problem is to allow yourself to know what you want, say, from a friend or lover — and then you will know, precisely and cleanly, when you don’t get it, and that will hurt, sharply and specifically.” -JP
I was afraid to communicate to my mom because I would have to admit my faults. I would have to give up always being right. But how can you build a relationship with that kind of mentality? How can you fix yourself if you never provide room to grow? To admit means to confront your fears.
How to face your fears, and lift the stressful burden off you and those you care about:
- Identify things that bother you
- Specify them and reduce their complexity
- Figure out how to voice them and either fix or live with them
Most people live things vague.
“Say what you mean, so that you can find out what you mean. Act out what you say, so you can find out what happens. Then pay attention. Note your errors. Articulate them. Strive to correct them. That is how you discover the meaning of life. That will protect you from the tragedy of your life. How could it be otherwise?” -JP
Don’t keep things vague.
Be precise in your speech.
If you haven’t already, feel free to check out yesterday’s article on being a better listener for more genuine conversations.
