A Moment of Happiness

For the last few years I have been torturing myself mentally. Boys are one of a thing to deal with, all those unbalanced, immature things they do to make the relationship as complicated as it can be, but you can leave the game anytime you want. Just break up. The sad thing is that there is no way you can break up with YOURSELF FOR FUCK’S SAKE. You just can’t escape yourself just like you escape from your best friend when you find out she was a whore. You got to live every shitty things you are going through. You have to do all the habits you can’t quit because you just can’t quit being yourself and that was leaving no choice but to let myself screw my own brain mentally.

Two years ago I saw a boy at the beach near the sorf club in our cute little summer village. Just like I do with all the hot boys I see, I got his attention one way or another. So I went there every single day of my summer to see that boy. It could have worth my time if anything was happening but all we did was staring at eachother which was pointless. Yet it wasn’t pointless for me back then. I enjoyed every second of our short moments and his eyes must have really affected me because I was dreaming about him every night.

Years passed just like a blink of an eye and now I am a grown up girl. I’m not that 14 year old stupid girl who wanted to join the surf club to have some friends and meet her crush which she had never talked before and no idea who he was. WRONG. Ofcourse I knew who he was, at least his name. My middle name is stalker and I earned that name. I found everything someone can find about a person who they knew nothing about. Yet grown up or not I still liked torturing myself. So this year was no diffrent from other years. Let me describe “torture” a little bit.

My eyes search for him as the surf club is visible to my eye. Until I find him I am worried that he’s not around and I won’t be able to see him. Then I see him. I can’t take my eyes of him. I feel both happy both sad. Happy because I am looking at him and sad ‘cause he’s not looking at me. I try to focus on the person next to me. Sometimes my mom sometimes one of my cousins. It doesn’t matter actually, if they notice I’m checking a boy out or not. It’s just that I want my little secret to stay a secret. That’s what makes it special, that’s what makes it mine.

And it happens. The moment I have been waiting, dreaming all day. Our eyes meet. I know he knows me, he remembers my face. And I feel the energy in his eyes. Than I turn my head around, continue walking and that’s when my heart burst into flames, that’s when my mouth goes dry and that’s when I feel the air weights much heavier that the pressure hurts my back cause I can’t carry it no more. That’s when the reality hits me right in the face. There are no ways I can talk to him, be with him, have a chance to know him. It hurts like I have never been hurt before. It burns like I have never been burned before. I cry like I never have cried before…