My life in a Bedsitter: Lifehacks and why you should date a man in a bedsitter
The way I am hungry – can life just give me lemons?!
Rich kids will never know this but living in a bedsitter issa hustle!
If your father did not steal his way to riches, you are probably reading this from a bedsitter.
And because bedsitter people are a community — we know each other.
“19 Nigerians arrested in Umoja, Kasarani and Roysambu for alleged online fraud. On the upside this means there’s a vacant bedsitter to let.” Read a recent tweet.
The problem with a bedsitter is that when you yawn in the morning, the whole house ends up smelling like Khaleesi’s toilet. Because, dragon breath. Gerrrrriiiiittt???
You can’t even buy a bed because the whole house is a 6 by 6.
The only advantage of living in a bedsitter is that you can bathe while watching your favourite series. You only have to be careful the shower doesn’t add water to your mukimo stew. Or when you are boiling ugali water and the steam fills your house and booom! Steam bath!
Everything is a convertible .. the microwave is the coffee table, the sufuria is the plate, the TV doubles up as a mirror.
In bedsitters, you don’t pay rent. You give the landlord a token.
Chwarni makae tindo tindo. (The bed bugs are also very small – for fear of killing you, they ration your blood.)
You never have to buy an alarm when you are in a bedsitter. Ya neighbour ikilia mnaamka wote.
You can even change the bulbs in your house without climbing a stool. Not because you are tall, but because the roof is actually your floor.
Sadly, we are discriminated and are not even added in the apartment WhatsApp group. Children of a lesser God, we are tired of being used as a reference point.
'Eti oh you are busy hating on Willy Paul na wewe uko hapo kwa bedsitter na airtel bundles.’
“Ati oh you are dissing couples na umeshikilia Vaseline Cocoa butter hand lotion kwa bedsitter yako Uthiru.’
'Ati oh ushaileta dame kwa bedsitter anakojoa kwa nguvu mpaka unasikia ma-neighbour wakisema “Leteni mitungi maji imerudi.”
The nerve. The audacity.
Here’s a bedsitter life hack - you just need a Bluetooth speaker inside a drum and you have a Sony 3D surround home theatre.
Even when you have a fight with your prayer partner, you have to sort it out, because she cannot slam the door on you ati oh she is going to the next room, ati oh you will sleep on the sofa. What sofa?! 😂
But imagine your girl cheating on you with a nigga in a bedsitter. The ultimate insult. Serikali saidia. How do you recover from that? What would Jesus do?
Bedsitter cronies are romantics. I mean, when I say you will have breakfast in bed, I mean it.
And your bae’s is on FB like: 'I like it when he carries me to the next room. And you live in a bedsitter...eh eh my sister. Which room? In a bedsitter - there is no room – even for improvement.
Never grow a plant in your bedsitter – you might die at night as you compete for oxygen. Unless you are Luhya. Luhyas are nosy. By that I mean they have big noses. I mean look at Eugene Wamalwa. You know how he has been able to stay relevant? He can smell trouble before it comes. He always nose what to do.
(Sidebar: A special shoutout for social media, which has made us all equal. You can put down a Top World Economist with a single tweet from your bedsitter in Wangige.)
When KPLC switched off our illegally connected electricity, and we had to walk like there are landmines because you don’t remember where you left the knife.
Or that awkward moment you have a nightmare that thieves are strangling you only to wake up and realise your curtains are on your neck. Because of your sad life, your subconscious mind subconsciously tried to kill you and make it look like suicide.
But this hot season bwana we in small bedsitters are suffering. You buy eggs at night for breakfast, and by morning, because of the heat, the little f*ckers have hatched.
Some rooms are so small, especially in Mwiki – the bedsitter capital of the world - that you have to step outside when you want to change your mind.
The pièce de résistance about living in a bedsitter is that you can see your life’s worth – all in one blink. 😂
Buuuut aaaiiii don’t relate. Aiiii don’t stay in a bedsitter. I live in a studio apartment.
#ChineduTales #ShotOnOnePlus6
