My Addiction Confession
Hi, my name is Ed Elliott and I am an addict. I have struggled with this addiction for over thirty years. I think it is time that I admit it publicly to all my friends. I suspect my confession will be able to help some out there who may be struggling with the same addiction.
It started over thirty years ago. I had no idea back then where this addiction would take me, and all the things I would do under its influence; things I would never have done, or even thought of doing if I were in a normal state of mind. Truth is, I really can’t remember what it feels like to be what most people call “normal.”
I had heard about a few people who experimented and it had totally ruined their lives. I had always prided myself on my athletic ability and strength. I could drink most people under the table and could roll the tightest joint you had ever seen. I did acid and numerous other hallucinogenics that were popular “back in the day.” Having tried it all and survived, I was pretty content with weed and alcohol as my means of escape.
I kept hearing people talk about this new “high” and how there was nothing like it. I was tempted a few times but never succumbed because I really wasn’t interested. Like I said, weed and alcohol did it for me but to be really honest with you, I was scared. I had heard this new high was instantly addicting and I saw with my own eyes, how totally consuming it had become for those that got into it the very first time they tried it.
One week, the desire and temptation wouldn’t leave me alone. Even now, as I think back to those days, it was an odd, strange feeling. Something I had never felt before. It was an experience that seemed to want me more than I wanted it.
I can’t really describe what took place that day, I just couldn’t resist it any longer. When everyone at my workplace left for lunch, I went to the restroom and knelt over the toilet. I took a deep breath. My heart was racing. My hands trembled as I considered what I was about to do. I had never done anything like this before, but as I said earlier, I prided myself in my strength and athletic ability so I felt I could take a small taste, and remain in control. I thought to myself, “I’m not like those other wimps who can’t control themselves and act possessed, after their first time. That won’t happen to me.” Little did I know, how wrong I was!
I was instantly addicted to that first taste! What I didn’t know way back then was that at that moment of weakness, I had utterly destroyed my life as I knew it, my future, and all the plans I had.
It is incredibly difficult to try to describe what that first high was like. It was a combination of bliss, peace, an insanely intense feeling of love, lightness, and acceptance. Almost instantly, everything looked different but I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t at all paranoid, but I knew I wasn’t alone and would never be alone again. This high made me feel that all other previous highs I had chased were insignificant. My previous life was now a total disconnect compared to this new dimension I had entered; everything I had experienced before paled in comparison.
I was expecting to crash the following day, but it didn’t happen. Surely, there was some sort of downside to all this intensity. As the day wore on, the feelings I had the day before seemed to grow and intensify. With almost every passing minute, I could think of nothing but what was happening to me. I stopped and looked in the mirror and I saw the same old Ed, but I also sensed a new Ed rising and coming forth. It was unfamiliar territory, but extremely comfortable at the same time. I became aware of a parallel existence. I couldn’t see it with my eyes but could easily contact it with my heart. I couldn’t really understand it because it was like nothing I had ever experienced or known before. Wow! What a trip!
I didn’t know as much back then as I do today but one thing I did that may have created even more “problems” for me was to just surrender to what I was going through. I think it was on the third day that I thought I might actually die. My heart felt like it was literally going to explode with joy! I know this all sounds so strange, but it is true and it happened to me. I went back to the restroom and knelt over the toilet like I had done a few days earlier and pleaded for the joy to be turned down a few notches. I couldn’t stop smiling! This started drawing some unnecessary attention from my co-workers. The state I was in was becoming obvious to people who knew me. I wasn’t acting like myself. At the time, I didn’t know who I was acting like. This was all new to me. All I really knew to do was just give into it and allow what was happening to run its course.
As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, my addiction literally consumed me. Some say, I was like a man possessed. Looking back, I have to say that it was all true.
Here I am, thirty plus years later, and I am still a full-fledged addict. My addiction has exceeded even what I thought it would. Like many addicts, I have overdosed many times and will do so as often as I can in the future. I can’t help it. I am an addict and that is what addicts do. I believe my addiction might be worse than others because I am not just a user. I passionately, with all my heart, try to get others addicted as well. Yeah, yeah… maybe I am a “pusher”… a “dealer,” whatever, but it’s what I do now, and I don’t have any regrets!
My addiction and desire to see others “take a taste” as I did, has taken me all over the world. I spent many years in Africa leading masses into this same addiction; tens of thousands came to take a taste every night. I traveled all over Europe and Australia. In Vietnam, it is illegal to even be caught “under the influence,” and I had to try as hard as I could to act normal so the authorities wouldn’t discover what I was up to. In Laos, I used a motorcycle and traveled the back roads to reach far-off villages, where I gave out free tastes. I was thrilled to see many others become as addicted as I was, and some even overdosed!
There is a price for addiction that some may not be aware of. I find myself away from my family for long periods of time. At times, this is almost unbearable but my family are all addicts as well. They understand the compulsion that drives me. They fully support my efforts to share this addition with the world. As I type this confession, I have been away from my family for five weeks. I will return home a few days before Christmas.
To spread this addiction, I have stayed in some pretty seedy motels and eaten in my fair share of dives. I ate in a truck stop tonight and had the opportunity to give free tastes to four truckers.
I have had a few times in my life when I went through horrible withdrawals because I either stopped getting high, or someone slipped me a substitute. Truth is, there is no substitute and nothing compares to the real. People will try and give you a cut up version, watered down with fillers and useless stuff that will just make you feel sick and hung-over. It will numb you and stop you from thinking and enjoying life.
It’s easy to recognize those on “the substitute.” They are like zombies going in and out of rehab each Sunday. The counterfeit has destroyed their ability to think and feel love. The counterfeit will eventually kill you. Accept no substitutes! If you do find you have taken a counterfeit, just one taste of the real will flush the death out of your system in a heartbeat.
Well, there you have it; my confession to being an addict for over thirty years. I am sure some reading this will not be surprised at all. They probably already suspected that I was a hardcore user. Others may be shocked at my confession, but curious enough themselves to take a taste. Over thirty years ago, I took a taste that radically changed my life forever.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8
If you do decide to “taste and see that the Lord is good,” please accept no substitutes or counterfeits. It could cost you your life. Also, when the addiction kicks in, don’t be afraid your heart will explode with joy as I thought mine would. God has a purpose in allowing you to feel His love and joy so intensely. Go with the flow and trust the Lord and the trip He has for your life. Forget the past, it has no bearing on the future. All things will become brand new and remain, no matter what.
Stay away from “rehab.” It is run by the “Pharisees.” They are the ones pushing the “substitute.” They are very easy to recognize because they don’t smile much and they resent your joy. Also, there is a distinct lack of love among them. They will try to get you to focus on “you,” not on “Who” is in you. Don’t fall for their trap!
You may have to go through a few “interventions” with friends or family concerning your new addiction. Call a fellow addict and they will be more than happy to help you escape.
Addicted to Jesus for over thirty years and still not ashamed.
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