I choose to forget what happened to me the year I turned three. Then I choose to forget what kept happening to me from age ten to nineteen. It took years to remember what I needed to remember. What memories represented what really happened without having all of it come back.
I am 58 years old. I have been diagnosed with several mental states due to the trauma I experienced as a child. After several years of therapy I see them as a gift. I am able to understand others on a deeper level and give of myself without my ego interfering.
I can’t promise it will get better. And yes, suicidal ideation always comes up as a ‘choice’ when it gets worse. When I look in the mirror and see my mother I get a haircut. When I’m asked if I have family I talk about my sons and their wives and my grandsons. And my cats. Sometimes I tell some people some of the truth. Sometimes people I’ve never told anything to understand without knowing.
What you wrote here is a prognosis for a pretty good future. Healing happens, although there isn’t any trauma that goes away for good. You are getting stronger in every moment, even the really, really bad ones. Emotional scar tissue is tough and resilient. You may never completely trust another person, or yourself, but there are levels to trust and you will find who is worthy of your inner circle. When any trauma is faced and worked with and acknowledged for the power over life-and-death it is, the hold on our souls is loosed. That leaves an open space inside us. Fill it with love. Love for sunshine, a great quote, a mad dog, a stranger, a friend. Most of all, fill it with love for yourself, you are worth it. That I can promise.