Me & Stress. Stress & Me.


Stress.

I really hate stress. It doesn’t drive me. It doesn’t push me. Instead, it just paralyzes me.

I could be having a perfect day. The sun’s out, my pants fit, there’s no commuter traffic, I secure new work. Everything is dandy. Then one thing happens. One tiny, inconsequential thing happens. And ping, there’s stress.

It creeps into my brain like a tiny seed, and then, like a chia pet, it expands indefinitely until it colonizes all of my thoughts and actions. I can’t sit still. I can’t think straight. Everyone is awful. I’m awful. Nothing makes sense. I feel one way, then, 15-seconds later, I feel the complete opposite way. Both ways are wrong! Everything is wrong!

It feels so isolating. Like, it’s just me that can’t keep it together. Like that new issue makes only me unravel and become self-destructive. And, I take that out on people.

They say, “Calm down.” “Relax.” “Stop.”

My Angry Brain Thoughts, physically manifested as a 20-something Mexican wrestler, wail, “Oh no you didn’t!” Agitated and infuriated, he performs some sort of imaginary smack down on my non-assuming, supportive friend.

I’m coming for you stupid supportive friend!

And then, eventually the psychotic wave starts to dissipate. I accept the lack of complete control. I even start to feel remorse at previous thoughts and behaviors.

That calm after storm thing.

And then I trudge home, exhausted and a little defeated. Another moment in life when I lost to myself.

And, then I remember there is another day ahead. Another sunny morning to embrace before tomorrow. Tomorrow when that little, bitty, seed finds its way into my unaware, possibly concussed, brain.