“The truth, no matter how bad, is never as dangerous as a lie in the long run.”
— Ben Bradlee: During his tenure as executive editor, The Washington Post received the Pulitzer Prize for Public Service, for its coverage of Watergate.
It’s been a remarkable past few days!
Days that saw me recognized by the Director of the FBI
(A picture of me shaking hands with Christopher Wray, taken at the event, will appear on the FBI’s website)
And my article published in the Washington Post…
And now inspired to share with you a truth
(Keep reading)
I saw Ben Bradlee’s quote displayed in The Washington Post’s newsroom, the other day when I was fortunate enough to be given a tour
On the tour, I got the chance to meet The Post’s executive editor, Marty Baron
(Marty was played by Liev Schreiber in the movie Spotlight)
(Schreiber also starred in The Manchurian Candidate)
The truth you’re about to read may be “bad” insofar as what were my reasons for not sharing it
The story begins a long time ago, when I was in Bangkok, training at a Muay Thai (kickboxing) school
The Thais training there were professional fighters
Whereas for me, the experience was more like being at a fantasy camp
At the school, I became friends with another man training there, whom I’ll call “Omar”
He was from France, of Middle Eastern descent, and Muslim
Later, after the meth took hold, I became sure that a certain picture I saw on FBI’s website, was a picture of Omar
The name was different, but to me the face looked similar
It was a photo of one of the 9/11 hijackers
(Rest assured I’ve long since cooperated with law enforcement re this story)
After I saw the picture, I imagined Omar to have been an undercover operative, an infiltrator
And from there I began believing, at times, I myself was an undercover FBI agent
I also believed, at times, the FBI thought I was a criminal, and out to get me
The point — the truth — is: Those times I believed Omar might have had something to do with terrorism, I also believed you might want to know his story
But you couldn’t know, because I didn’t tell you
Due to my various fears, of various dangers
(Some of my fears were legitimate, many were cowardly)
Of course, there was never any proof Omar was anyone other than whom he claimed: A foreigner to Bangkok, training in Muay Thai
(Even when addicted to meth I mostly didn’t buy in to stereotypes of persons based upon their faith or from whom they descended)
Thus in order to have believed Omar might’ve been the person on the FBI website, you also must have believed certain other things
Such as, a doctored photograph of me once appeared in a Sports Illustratedswimsuit issue
(Page 222 of the 2006 issue)
And my unique personal identifiers — name, birth date, etc. — were architected by the government, to mark me as engineered from birth to be a top-secret undercover operative
But I did believe those things
(And more)
(As a result of my meth use)
The evidence the person in the Bangkok Muay Thai school wasn’t whom he claimed to be
Was also the evidence that I suffered from drug-induced psychosis
Today, thanks to the FBI, the Washington Post, and many, many others
(You the reader, I’m grateful to)
The picture of me, which will appear on the FBI website, receiving the award
Will be a picture of a person learning to share his (my) truth
Overcome my fears
Address my many flaws
And…hopefully…give others some small inspiration to do the same
Ironic, much credit for this goes to the FBI
(Reputed as being secretive)
They had faith and confidence in me, were willing to give me a second chance
A chance to redeem myself, transform my life, and perhaps become a positive example for others
A chance to tell you stories you might like to learn
And, I like to think my volunteering for the Bureau in some way helps them prevent people from becoming victims
And to rescue victims
The way others rescued me from the lies I told myself, when I was addicted to meth
Few people, I’d imagine, have had more reason to fear the FBI than did I
(my reasons were my mind-delusions, of course)
Yet thanks to those mentioned above
I’ve uncovered my authentic self
While my authentic self always desired the truth be revealed
Now I have the self-confidence to take the necessary risks to do so
Despite the dangers, real or perceived
It helps me understand what is real about the rest of my life
I realize: I allowed the day-to-day struggles of grappling with post-drug-induced psychosis, its lingering effects, consume my energy at the expense of more worthwhile pursuits
There are consequences of sharing my truth
It might alienate those who would otherwise be allies, give others reason to criticize, and create a new set of worries
Of course, it’s up to me whether to focus on worries, or focus on opportunities and blessings
The opportunities and blessings of the past few days, are certainly real to me
What truths have you discovered, and how are you bringing them to light?
