How 20 Years Were Wasted Because of Porn
I have spent 2/3 of my life addicted to porn and masturbation. It all started before I knew what sex really was. When I was somewhere around 6–8years old, I discovered that certain things made me feel really good. I had no clue that what I was doing was masturbating, but it felt good and it helped me forget the problems around me for a bit. Those are the first moments that I can remember acting out in some sort of sexual way.
A couple years later, I started seeing women as objects that made me feel good. At first it was just seeing attractive girls at school or around town. Then it turned into my friend and I looking at the old Sears catalogs lingerie section. This is about the time that everything turned sexual for me. I began getting erections. I started to understand what sex and masturbation were.
Shortly after at a sleepover with two friends, we were up late fantasizing over the Sears catalog girls. We had the idea to go to the computer and see if we could find some more pictures since we had looked through the catalog alot. That night was the first night I looked at naked women. That night will always be the day that changed my life for the worse. From that moment on I was addicted.
My family mainly had our computers in open places where everyone could see them, but after seeing porn like I had, that wasnt going to stop me.I spent countless night during my teen years staying up long after others went asleep so that I could quietly search for porn. I got caught a few times, but it never stopped me from getting what I wanted. My parents set up filters, but they were easy to get around.
I soon realized that when I was looking at porn I had the desire to masturbate. I gave into that desire quickly after that first night at the sleepover. I finally merged my 2 addictions into something that from then on would own tens of thousands of hours of my life.
At first I didnt understand that what I was doing was creating an addiction that would be incredible difficult to break. I knew what I was doing was wrong, especially being Mormon. I spent my teen years being unworthy to hold the Priesthood (LDS men can receive the Preisthood at the age of 12 which I did unworthily). I lied to myself, my parents, and my church leaders. Most importantly I lied to my Heavenly Father.
When I was 15 or 16 I got caught again by my parents. I was instructed to meet with the Bishop of my congregation to confess my sins and repent (in the LDS faith, we believe that there are certain sins that require meeting with a Bishop in order to fully repent). My Bishop showed me love and told me that I was not a bad person. He gave me some tasks to accomplish in order to get back on track and repent of my sins. I started off great. The first week or two I followed his counsel and didnt look at porn or masturbate, but then I had a day where I failed and looked at porn. I felt ashamed. I wanted to stop doing it because I knew it was bad. To get my parents off my back I lied and said that I was doing great and hadn’t viewed any porn.
I often look back to that time period and wonder how my life could have been different had I fully repented and left porn in the past. I didn’t though, and Satan knew it. I became more entrenched in Pornography and masturbated more than ever. This is when I really became addicted and began losing hope that I would ever be able to stop.
Porn became everything to me. At school I fantasized about the girls in my classes and wished that they would come strip for me. I desperately wanted to materialize my addiction by experience “live porn”, meaning seeing naked girls in real life and beable to touch them. Luckily, I had a strong testimony of the importance of waiting to have sex before marriage. This testimony is what saved me from going off the deep end. It limited my addiction strictly to veiwing porn and masturbating in private by myself.
When I turned 18 I knew that I would be serving a mission in a year and knew that I needed to repent. I didnt meet with a Bishop, because I figured I had done that before, so I was good just stopping on my own. That was not easy. I would have spurts where I was clean and then would relapse. Either way I went on my mission. At the time I left I honestly felt worthy to go. I had had a long chunk without porn and knew that I wouldnt look at it on my mission, so I was good.
When I got home from my mission I knew that I had been changed and could go the rest of my life without porn and masturbation. That didnt last long. Before I knew it, I was back at school with a private room I could lock and spend hours looking at porn. I quickly got deeper and deeper into my addiction. I knew I had a problem, but pretended everything was fine.
About a year after my mission, I met my wife. That didnt stop my addiction. I was so deep that I acted out even more. Then my wife and I began talking about marriage. Thats when I knew I had to tell her about my addiction. She was devastated, but loved me and wanted to help me. We started going to the LDS 12 step program and I met with my Bishop at the time. I began the repentance process and started to change. I knew that I wanted to get married in the temple (a place where sacred ordinances are performed like marriage). I also knew I shouldnt get married while in my addiction. So I tried hard to stay clean. I had a few slip ups, but after meeting with my Bishop, he cleared me and we got married in the Temple.
After we got married, I stayed clean for a little bit, but I hadnt really changed, so I quickly fell back into my addiction. I lied to my wife about it for a year until I finally felt I needed to tell her. She was not happy with me to say the least. I started going to 12 step again and told her I was doing better, and I was. I had fewer slip ups and had a desire to change, but that didnt last again.
Just over 3 months ago I told my wife for the 3rd time that I had fallen back into my addiction. This time everything was different. I didnt tell her just because I felt bad about what I was doing. I told her because I had a true desire to change and I knew that I wouldnt be able to if I didnt confess. Of course she was devastated again, but after a week she told me she loved me and was here for me.
Again I started to meet with my Bishop, although this time it was different. Never before had I felt as if I could truely turn my will over to God and allow Christ’s Atonement to save and heal me. I did what the Bishop counseled and began to change.
Once I was found worthy to return to the temple, I made it a priority and started going every week. I started reading my scriptures and praying everyday. I focused on the Atonement of Christ and turned my will to God so that I could be changed.
Today is my 30th birthday and I am proud to say that I am 100 days sober! Repentance is hard, but it is worth it. I have seen numerous blessings in the last 100 days that I never thought I would see. I have been changed through the grace and love of God. I have light in my life that drives me forward with hope.
My purpose in sharing my story is to hopefully touch someone that is in the same place I was. Someone who wants to change but never seems to be able to. I promise that you can, but it is going to take a lot of work and a lot of trust in your Savior Jesus Christ.
Step 1: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
