People Don’t Need to Change, You Do. And When You Change, Something Strange Happens.

Edmond Yap
Nov 7 · 8 min read

Nobody argues that the moon is made of cheese. Nobody argues about the existence of gravity. Nobody argues about the world being round. Well, most of us don’t anyway.

These are immutable realities. And like banging my head to the wall, hoping that the wall breaks before my head — arguing with reality is a sure and self-inflicted way to be unhappy. And get a headache.

The moon is not made of cheese. And we’re not upset about that. So why do we get upset when we’re in a traffic jam? There’s no difference — they’re both realities that don’t change no matter how upset we are about it.

The moon will never be made of cheese — no matter how upset we briecome. And this traffic jam that we’re stuck in? The jam is still going to be there no matter how much we huff and puff about it. But yet, the traffic makes us unhappy. Our blood pressure soars as we inch forward. Our temper flares as person after person cuts into your lane. We curse the traffic when we’re the cause of the jam in the first place — you, me, and the hoards of other people who chose not to take the train. It’s as if our upset-tedness will somehow change the order of the universe. It’s as if our upset-tedness is a magic wand that we wave around to force the world to conform to our demand for happiness.

Rather than accepting the world for what as it is. Somehow, we expect that the world should change for us — so that we can be happy.

Somehow, we expect that the world should change for us so that we can be happy.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

What is that? Narcissism? Entitlement? I’m guilty as charged too. If we do this for a long enough time, the result is cynicism — a slowly worsening view of the world. It’s the start of becoming ‘that’ jaded old person who scorns the world, and who starts every sentence with, “young people nowadays…”

Through the years, as the world chugs along without us, the thought that we can’t change the world gets reinforced. Cynicism takes its hold on us and we stop trying. We resign to the knowledge that we cannot change the world, and so nobody else can.

But that’s not true. The world does change. Masses of people thought that voting doesn’t make a difference. That nobody can dethrone a corrupt Malaysian government in power for six decades. Yet here we are, for the first time in our history, my fellow Malaysians threw out a worsening dictatorship who stole billions of taxpayers money. A government that went as far as (allegedly) denying schools electricity to fund their luxury bag-buying habits.

The world did change. A single vote did count when counted together. The thought that one person cannot change the world vanished from thousands of Malaysian minds in a single day.

The world can change, and other people can change it — but why do we find it so hard to create change? We throw ourselves at the problem, we fret and frown and we keep ourselves up at night with worry. But like chewing gum stuck on the bottom of our shoes, change is stubborn and refuses to move no matter how much we scrape our sole on the pavement.

Do you have misbehaving family members you’re trying to help? No matter how much you try your family ignores you.

Do you have a company full of gossipers and backstabbers? No matter how many team building activities you run, everyone’s still walking around with knives stuck to their backs.

Have a flat earther as a friend? No matter how much evidence you throw at him, he digs in harder.

We’re having trouble because we’ve been approaching the problem upside down. We need a different approach. Here’s how — don’t start by arguing with reality. Instead, start by accepting reality.

Accept Reality

The first step to change is to accept the world as it is, and that people’s opinions are what they are.

Accept the reality that we’re in a traffic jam. It’s unreasonable for us to expect that the traffic will magically disappear. A better use of our emotional energy is to make the most of our time in the car. Pump up the volume on a Babymetal track or read an audiobook.

And accept the reality that your friend/colleague/boss/guy you met at Comic-Con have different opinions than you do

When you accept reality, you gain peace.

What happens if you argue with reality? Like banging your head on a brick wall, expecting the brick wall to give way — the far more likely outcome is that your head will break first. It’s so hard to change ourselves, what makes us think it’s easier to change someone else?

What if someone walks up to you and tells you “you’re wrong!” How would that make you feel? If you’re approached by a closed-minded troll, how would you react? Would you open up? Or would you close them off?

You’re better than that. Be the opposite. Don’t approach the world (or people) with the intention to change them. Instead, approach every conversation, every scenario with acceptance and with empathy.

Does this mean that we should accept the world for what it is today? That we should accept the pollution in our rivers and streams? So we shouldn’t even try to do something about it? Does this mean that we should accept that our parents and siblings will never change — so we shouldn’t even try to help them?

Does this mean that we should accept the world for what it is and not even try to change it?

No, that’s the opposite of what I’m saying.

Instead, the world is more likely to change when you’re the one that starts changing first. And change happens when you put aside your expectation that the world / other people need to change (at least for the time being).

Stop Expecting People to Change

Expecting others to change is a surefire way of losing friends and family. Every family has a religious nut of an uncle who tells you that your ideas about religion and spirituality are wrong. Yeah, he expects you to change. And he has never stopped expecting you to change. He goes into every conversation about religion with the assumption that everyone is wrong — except him. Your uncle is also (thankfully) the least seen person in dinner parties. Because nobody wants to invite him over. Your uncle expects everyone to change, but the opposite happens. People dig in and refuse to budge.

Don’t be that uncle. The way to willing and lasting change is when you change first.

You Change

My wife and I have had our fair share of arguments. Some of them big, some of them small, but they all had a common trait. She thought that she was right and I thought I was right. And we can’t both be right, can we?

I married a strong woman. She’s not muscular. Though she sometimes pretends she has muscles by using her other hand to push her biceps up. My wife’s made of tough stuff. Right after she finished school she left the small town of Taiping where she grew up. She packed her bags and left for the town of Penang with very little. At one point she was surviving on a loaf of bread for an entire week and walking to work every day. She couldn’t afford to eat and she couldn’t afford the bus fare.

She’s tough, she’s smart, and she’s every bit my equal.

The biggest revelation for me — and the one realisation that transformed my relationship more than any other discovery — is that if my wife’s my equal — then in any argument, I’m wrong half the time.

If my wife’s my equal, then in any argument, I’m wrong half the time.

Then my mind blew a fuse and stopped working for a while. The realisation crept in and I realised that it had to be true. The Spock in my brain said, “it’s only logical.” It made sense that I was wrong half the time.

That means that 50% of the time that we were in an argument, I was wrong. “No way.” My brain protested.

“Yes way,” the Spock part of my brain reasoned. And our relationship changed overnight.

Arguments that happened a few times a week, turned to once a week, turned to once a month. At times reduced to once every few months. And this had the biggest impact on our relationship.

In a relationship, being in an argument a few times a week is a huge emotional drain. By the time one argument dies down after all the sorries and hugs — another argument begins.

People say that it takes both sides to change for change to happen. That’s not true. Change happens when one side changes. When it comes to empathy, all it takes is for one side to take an empathetic stance. When it comes to caring, all it takes if for one side to care. Because empathy and caring cascades out from you, affecting the other person.

When I started thinking that I was wrong half the time. Something happened. I started listening.

Listen

No matter how stupid. No matter how unreasonable. No matter how desperately you want to jump across the meeting table and squeeze some sense into your boss.

Listen.

Because there’s a reason why they think the way they do. And this causes them to think that they’re right. Understanding these reasons are like finding lost keys to hard to open locks.

The reasons may be simple and logical, in which case you’d be able to have an intelligent conversation using logic and scientific deduction. Like the Vulcans do.

The reasons may be emotional and based on a deep emotional need. In which case you work it out like the Klingons. Okay, I realise that I have to stop watching so much Star Trek.

Because only once the other person feels listened to and understood, will you have any chance of creating change. Be it a change in opinion, or a change in behaviour.

This means we start listening, and empathising, and putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.

Sam Richards gave the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping Ted Talk on empathy. If you can empathise with terrorists, you can empathise with anyone. Here’s the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUEGHdQO7WA

Now with your new superpower called empathy, the world starts changing.

And suddenly the World Changes

Some people argue that people will never change. Could it be because they never took the time to listen in the first place?

Some people argue that the world will never change. Could it be because they never took the time to understand the world in the first place?

The rivers are too polluted? Go and understand why people are throwing rubbish into the river. Understand why government agencies are not enforcing the law. Understand why politicians are not making a fuss.

Schools are too lousy? Go and understand the plight of the principal and the issues facing the teachers.

When you change first and begin to solve every problem by listening and with empathy — you gain new knowledge and a deeper understanding of how the world works. And you are now in a better position to make a positive change to the world.

Because when you change, something strange happens. The world changes with you.


If you want to start a business and change the world or join me on a journey through personal development, subscribe to my monthly newsletter.

Edmond Yap

Written by

Founder of Pew Pew & Edunation. I help responsible, small businesses to grow and to make a positive impact to the world. Let’s chat, therandomeducator@gmail.com

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