Diary of an Addict Part 2: End Stigma Through Music
Disclaimer: The below article talks about how individuals have overcome mental illness and addictions with the help of dance music. In no way is this suggesting that one does not need a program of recovery, psychiatry or therapy for these issues. Just that dance music has helped in each process. This is not meant to persuade, preach or criticize, just raise awareness. Everyone has a unique journey, I am beyond grateful for the courage of the below individuals who have chosen to publicly share their stories, in hopes of ending the stigma of mental illness and addiction. If I can ask of anything from you the reader, it is to try to relate rather than compare.
This is a follow up piece to an article I wrote over a year ago, which you can find here.
It was a warm summer afternoon and I sat there looking into her eyes, shaking ever so slightly, taking a short inhale of my cigarette. It was really all I could muster at that point as I was basically hyperventilating. Having not yet noticed that anything was the matter, she sat across from me talking aimlessly about how her day was. My hands were drenched in sweat, and my mind was racing a mile a minute. Even the unholy amount of heroin coursing through my body at that point could not have helped the overwhelming anxiety I had in that moment. She was starting to ask me a question. I desperately wish I could remember what it was, in a way to just to hear her voice in my head again, but before she could finish, I cut her off. I had been planning how this conversation would go ever since I relapsed a few months prior. It started a lot less elegantly than I had hoped. I blurted out:
“I fucked up”
Those three small words can mean so many different things, but when you are an addict in recovery they take on a whole different meaning. Her eyes that only a brief second ago held a the care free glow of the gentle intoxication of love, now looked barren. Of course, being in recovery from addiction herself, she knew what I meant immediately. In that moment the rationalization, justification and denial of my recent behaviors were crushed. Though out of what I can assume was a false hope she asked me to elaborate. I stamped out my cigarette, reached out and grabbed her hands for what would be the last time, stared her in the eyes and delivered the news that I knew in my heart would ultimately mark the end of our relationship.
“I relapsed”
Through tears, shame, regret, fear and self disgust, I explained that my visit to her house that afternoon was not to hang out like it had been so many times before, but it was to tell her that I had decided to check into rehab. It was a brief visit, as I had only a short time to make my way over to the treatment center to check in. I remember just before I left I kissed her one last time and looked into her eyes as she said something along the lines of “Everything will be okay, take care of yourself, we will work on us when you are out”. While that is what she said, I could see in her eyes that this was goodbye. In that moment I felt as though my entire life was destroyed, but in hindsight I am so happy I was able to have that final interaction with the girl I loved, rather than her having to cry over a casket. Rock Bottom is infinitely better than six feet under.
Anyone who has experienced addiction firsthand, or who has loved an addict will be able to relate to the above anecdote all to well. The disease of addiction is ruthless and never satisfied. I chose to go back to the substance that wanted nothing more than for me to die. I chose to go back to the substance that made sure any relationship I had in my life was destroyed and that my happiness and peace of mind was dependent upon a substance and needle. After putting together so many consecutive 24 hours, I was back at day one.
It took me quite a bit of time to build up the courage to write this last little installment of my now public diary. The guilt, shame, and fear was powerful and overwhelming in the throws of starting over. Then as days turned into weeks, and then into months, I really started to realize how important this message was. Addiction is beyond misunderstood in this day and age. A disease that has been classified as such since the 1930’s is still today looked at as an issue of will power, or weak moral fiber. This is also true for the several forms of mental illness that plague our generation. I guess in reflection I fell victim to this social ideal as well. I relapsed and was scared to share this with even my closest loved ones, let alone the world. Now back in recovery I can see that my experience can be a piece of the puzzle in ending the unfortunate stigma that addiction and mental illness has acquired since man first started to ferment fruit.
I have worked in the electronic music industry for over two years now. As a manager, publicist, and of course as most of you know me, a blogger. I have come across dozens of people, both artists and professionals, who have their own experience of overcoming addiction and/or mental illness. I have decided along with several of my peers that it was time to share the message of what addiction and recovery truly looks like. We need to end the stigma of addiction and mental illness, as misunderstanding and the associated shame, guilt and most of all, silence is killing off our generation at a sinister rate.
With that being said y’all know more than enough about me. You know the role that EDM has played in saving my life. It is time for you to share your stories of triumph over addiction and mental illness. Below you will find some accounts of how people have overcome their mental illnesses, addictions and traumatic events through the common bond of dance music. You will see that each one of them have chosen to have their Facebook’s linked to their testimonials. This is because they like me have decided that enough is enough. The stigma must end, as we do recover. We all fall down, but what separates us is our choice to have gotten back up time and time again. If you find yourself relating to a particular story, or touched in a specific way, reach out. Follow those links, and friend them, message them, start a conversation, realize that your struggle can help another person in ways you could never imagine.
We have a powerful voice as the electronic music generation. When we speak as one, the world hears us. Now let us shout in unison that we are sick of the stigma. We are the most inclusive family of individuals that has ever existed and it is time we let the world know the importance of what we can do when we are united. Education through experience, and perception change through education. Artists, industry workers and fans alike, if you want to share your story, email me at Erik@edmsauce.com, or friend me on Facebook. As each week I will be bringing you more stories of triumph over mental illness and addiction with the help of dance music. We all have a diary, and through getting honest and sharing the realities of our down falls and more importantly our recoveries we can end the stigma. If you are moved to share this article do so with the hastag #ESTM (End Stimga Through Music), so more people can see that their story matters, and together we can change the broken belief system that exists. We cannot afford to compare when it comes to mental illness or addiction, as one person’s struggles are unique to themselves, we have to relate. So without further delay, I give you the stories of people I am beyond honored to call my friends.
Kassiani Chrysanthopoulos: New York, NY — Bi-Polar Disorder
I opened my bright green eyes, swollen and red from crying all night to see the same blank white walls closing in on me. It wasn’t a dream, I was really here, alone and afraid. In the hallway I could hear screams and shouting over doctors’ voices and footsteps. The psych ward is exactly how you’d imagine it to be. Cold, lonely, and terrifying; the only comfort I found in that tiny, hard bed was from the tranquilizing drugs I was on. They gave me pills. Lots of them. All with names that echoed the foreignism of the place. And even with those drugs pulsing through my veins I still couldn’t move from the pain. I first found out I was Bipolar in the winter when I experienced an overwhelming period of mania followed by crippling depression. It was now the summer time, and while the golden rays of sun cast a warm glow on the city, I was bleak on the inside. Every day I flirted with the idea of jumping out my 6th floor window-my head hitting the pavement and splitting open like a melon. Instant. Painless. Comforting.
Living with Bipolar Disorder is not how you’d imagine it to be. The lows fill every cell in my body with a pain that makes even the smallest of tasks unbearable, and in my manic state I am invincible; drugs from strangers, sex with randoms, and thoughts racing so fast that nothing I say is comprehensible. I found myself in the psych ward after I tried killing myself. After months of struggling to get out of bed, daily self-harm, and living with emotional pain so strong that my body physically hurt, the thought of living another day was impossible to imagine at the time. So there I was. My parents crying, my psychiatrist checking on me in the middle of the night, and my friends worried sick. Was it ever going to get better? Would I ever be happy again? As I curled up in my hospital gown my mind tried to cling to something, anything to give me hope. I thought of my family, my friends, and something that made me feel alive like nothing else did- music. I remembered dancing at festivals in the warm air, spinning in circles around my bedroom with the volume up high, and running to the beat in the woods, my headphones in. Music kindles my spirit and I reflected on these moments of joy while I was at my lowest. I felt hope knowing that if I pushed through it all, I would be able to experience the excitement I felt while listening to music.
After I got out of the hospital I bought tickets to see my favorite artist, Zedd, at Madison Square Garden. I saved the date and used the show as motivation to power through my illness, knowing for sure that I would be happy again one day, even if it didn’t seem like I would be. I’m not telling my story to make you feel bad for me. We all have our struggles, and being bipolar is mine. I want to share how music keeps me feeling alive when I am down. Going to concerts, festivals, and just dancing around my apartment to a new song gives me energy and empowerment. There is always hope for those struggling with mental illness, and I found mine in music. Whenever I am feeling down, I listen to that one song that picks me up, or look forward to an artist I love coming into the city. Music, in part, saves me everyday and keeps me going (along with some VERY powerful mood stabilizing and anti-psychotic medications). If you’re reading this and struggling with a mental illness, know that it gets better. I can PROMISE you that. In the meantime, buy a ticket, dance like a freak in your bedroom, and sing along to the lyrics of your favorite song. Music ignites me with passion, and no matter what I’m going through, I know that I will always have it to lean on. Press play.
Songs that have helped me the most:
Zedd’s ‘Clarity’ and ‘True Colors’ Albums
Reilly McCloskey: Philadelphia, PA — Drug Addiction
The role that EDM has played in my recovery is way bigger than the role that it played in my addiction. I spent plenty of time at shows and in clubs, all messed up. Looking for the hookup, trying to find the best stuff, and missing out on the music and the great time around me. At a week sober, I went to Electric Zoo 2012, I had no idea what kind of impact that experience would have on me, but it was so crucial to my recovery looking back. A festival, a show, a night out at the club to see your favorite local DJ was so important for me to experience sober. I learned that I could enjoy something I loved high, so much more when my mind is clear and focused on the experience of being there. The people, the music, the fun, and the love… everything that EDM encompass truly helped me to realize that life can be amazingly fun sober. It’s amazing how music can change my mood, perspective, and mindset. Dance music has showed me who I am, and more so continues to show me I have emotion. It has given me work, purpose, and a personality that so many can’t even handle sometimes!
Songs that have helped me the most:
Deadmau5- Strobe
Calvin Harris- The Rain
Hermitude- Hyperparadise (Flume Remix)
Tiësto- I Am Strong (Extended Mix)
RJD2- Ghostwriter
Blake George: Columbus, OH — Drug Addiction
In 05 I was introduced to Bassnectar from a friend on my way to his show. BASSHEAD blaring through my ears. That night changed how I listen to music forever. EDM was the best way that I could let go from the pain of the deaths in my family. The influence of drugs seemed to make the music better. But, it came with a price…I developed psychosis from the copious amount of drugs and lost my sense of reality. I began using heroin as an escape from the pain and I nearly overdosed while listening to Amorphous Mixtape Vol 7 by Bassnectar. I’m very grateful to be alive today. 16 months sober! I have been to shows recently it can be tough with how many people that use. I strongly suggest bringing a accountable friend. The reality is, that I don’t need drugs to have fun at shows. The depth of the music is astounding and can be appreciated outside of being high. EDM has been an epic part of my recovery. I encourage someone on the fence to give it a try. Life changing stuff!
Songs that have helped me the most:
Culprate — Scarred
Grimes — Genesis (Bassnectar remix)
Kaskade — Raining
Supermodel — Tell Me Why
Meagen Surowiecki: New York, NY — Depression and PTSD
Since I was 16 years old I’ve been dealing with Depression. When I was in college in south FL I experienced so many freak tragic deaths that I sunk back into my depression using alcohol and pain killers as a crutch, I knew if I continued to live this lifestyle I would not be living much longer. That being said while I was still living in FL I was introduced to dance music and it opened up my eyes to a whole new world. I listened to Group Therapy (by Above & Beyond) to help get through my depression I realized I wasn’t alone in the world. After overcoming my losses, in the years of 2012 -2013 I was in 2 horrible car accidents and then was diagnosed with PTSD and I was soon in another depression. I didn’t leave my apartment for almost 2 months. I had to move back home to NY because of my depression. In 2014 I went to EDCLV. There I saw Above & Beyond, the entire time I was crying because their music saved me. Being in this industry changed my whole way of thinking about life. In that same year I started working for one of top leading EDM blogs and now my future looks brighter than ever! Now the only addition I have is for music. Music is my passion, my drug, my life, and my career.
Songs that have helped me the most:
Above & Beyond — Blue Sky Action
Swedish House Mafia — Don’t You Worry Child
Tritonal — Satellite (feat. Jonathan Mendelsohn)
Eric Prydz — Liberate
Alesso feat. Ryan Tedder — Scars
Elizabeth Ninivaggi: San Diego, CA — Anxiety (GAD)
I am one of the 18 percent of people in this population who suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety has been a part of my life that has continually haunted and tormented me on a daily basis since I could remember. For me, the first step in curing my anxiety was identifying with it and realizing that it would be something that would never be completely cured therapeutically or medically — just toned over time. My anxiety had habitually kept me feeling alone and introverted, so during those times I would find myself immersed in music that would take away the anxious thoughts away for a little bit. Early in high school, while I was battling inner feelings of an angsty, over-emotional teenager topped with anxiety, I found a way to escape these negative thoughts when I discovered trance music. The early days of YouTube had evolved and I spent my weekend nights falling in love with the work of Paul Van Dyk and Tiesto (in his Trance days) that always turned my somber feelings and uplifted them. To this day I still turn to dance music as a therapy to help me through those anxiety-ridden days where I might be feeling to uneasy to drive or worrying about something out of my control. What I can control and feel is how music affects me. Everyone will have their own coping methods for anxiety-related disorders, but mine has always been music and will be for the rest of my life.
Songs that have helped me the most:
Arty — Twilight Tonight Remode
Above and Beyond — Sun in Your Eyes
Tiesto — Driving to Heaven (Mat Zo Remix)
Armin Van Buuren — Broken Tonight
Agulo & David Berkeley — Fire Sign (Suncatcher Remix)
It is no easy task to be entirely vulnerable in front of tens of thousands of individuals you do not know. From personal experience I can tell you that it is absolutely nerve wracking. But what is even more difficult is to continue to live in pain, thinking that society does not understand. Thinking that you need to figure it out yourself, or that you need to toughen up and ‘get over it’. That is simply not the case. We need to speak up, ask for help and wear our difficulties on our sleeves. As the more we are vulnerable, the more the shame and guilt dies. We did not choose to be born with mental illness or addiction, but we have chosen to do something about it. We all have been touched by mental illness or addiction in some way, so why should we let their harsh realities fester in the dark any longer? Stigma dies in the exposure of light, so let your truth out. Share your story, and more than anything, choose to recover.
