Why stay?

One of the questions often asked by those observing an abusive relationship, or another form of domestic violence, often asks is “Why does she stay in the relationship? Or why doesn’t she just leave?” This seems like the easiest way to fix the problems present, just pack your stuff and leave. On paper this would seem like a great plan, but many issues exist. A woman cannot just leave a controlling partner, he does not want to lose control, and often gets more violent to attempt to pull her back in. A woman who might have children, or share a lease, or even have personal possessions that are left at the house might find herself being controlled by these means. A man might threaten to take the kids or hurt them, threaten to damage property or not pay rent on a shared lease to harm her credit, or destroy personal possessions to force her to come back to him. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is actually when she leaves contrary to what some in power might like to think. Some women might not actually realize that they are in an abusive relationship. The ‘frog in water’ analogy explains it perfectly. If a frog is placed into boiling water is jumps and kicks around trying to escape as it is in incredible pain and is dying. If a frog is placed into room temperature water, which is slowly increased in temperature to boiling, the frog does not actually realize it is boiling to death and will sit peacefully up until the point of death. This analogy explains how a woman can fall into an abusive relationship and stay. If a relationship begins as a very violent, controlling, and manipulative relationship right out of the gate, a woman will most likely realize, this is not what I want and this is bad and decide to leave. Most abusive relationships do not start in that manner and are instead more devious. Most abusive relationships start in a very nice setting, the man is nice generous and perhaps even better than anyone a woman has had before. The abuse might take months to years to start, and when it does it is small at first, a slap here, a push there, name-calling perhaps. As time goes on the violence become more and more severe, but continues to increase slowly, nothing drastic. Compared to a loving hug a punch seems like quite the jump, but if we start with yelling, and then pushing, and then slapping, punching does not seem quite as drastic a jump, and hey, at least he isn’t choking me right? There are a lot of ways to approach a violent relationship. Though many people who have never been in one, especially from the point of view of the victim, do not truly understand all that is at play the relationships and might not recognize the difficulties present. For those who suggest that a woman just leave her abusive husband or boyfriend, it is not that simple.