The Man of My Dreams
It will be a year in August since my boo began calling my son “little brother”. He didn’t even know my son from Adam, but in just those two words, he staked a claim on my heart. He was getting onto the bus and after he paid his fair, he stuck out his hand and said “hi, my name is Hugh. How are you doing today?” He took his hand and shook it, and has since told me he was blown away, in that instant. And he wonders why I love him.
I climbed up the steps with a proud smile (sans cane, at this point), minus my name and outstretched hand, I greeted him in the same manner my son did. He raised his hand back up which was half-way to his lap by then, mouth slightly open. He asked how I was doing, so I gave him my hand in return for a slight handshake. It became enveloped in a hand that was slightly calloused, yet soft and warm all at the same time. One that I thought might be a little slick from having his hand on the wheel for however long he’d been driving that day. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t. Not that that would have mattered.
I started to answer that I was “fine, thank you”. But as I pulled away and my fingers started to slip from his, he pressed his thumb down a little. Not hard, of course. In fact, I don’t even think he realized what he did. But it was enough for me to take notice, and raise my eyes up to his from where they were resting on the back of his hand. As I slowly looked up, my eyes travelled over the shirt covering his broad chest. Up past his thick round 3 o’clock shadowed jaw with its mix of salt and pepper whiskers, strong nose and dark circles that lay just under his eyes. As soon as I reached those I had to quickly look back down.
I became very fascinated with the silver part of my sneakers at that point. I had just looked into the most mesmerizing deep brown eyes I had ever seen. And then it hit me! I could not look this man in the eyes. And anyone who knows me knows that when I’m speaking to someone they get my full attention, that includes eye focus. In that moment, I was blown away. He said once he saw me there was no denying that the boy and I were together, but he would never have guessed he was my son.
Until said son cut through my fog with ““Mom, could we sit in the back today?”. I turned my head to look at him, and mumbled, “Sure”. It was a good thing I nodded too, otherwise I don’t think he would’ve heard me. I turned back to the man with a smile, and my eyes landed on his lips of all places, which had me scrambling to get to my son. Nearly tripping over my own feet in the process, and up the back of his in my rush to get away. At this point I was developing a major hot flash. As attracted as we are to each other, I’m still nervous as hell around him to this day.
Later, as we were waiting up at the front of the bus just before our stop, my son excitedly informed the man that we were going to see Stevie Wonder when he came to Buffalo. He told my son that he loved Stevie too, and named a few of his favorite songs that happened to be ours as well. Some we hadn’t even heard of, and the man just shook his head and smiled. [EDK1] While still trying to make eye contact, he told me that I had a very polite young man, and that he was a single parent as well. He asked if he could have my number to call me sometime just to chat as friends. It could be about our kids or music.
Right away the boy blurts out my phone number. With a smile the bus driver put his finger to his lips and quietly shushed him saying, “we don’t want everybody to have it. Just me!”. Which got my son to giggle, and nod his head vigorously, and ask if he got it. With a laugh the man said he definitely got it. Although I didn’t think he did, because he never wrote it down. Then we got to our stop, and we both told him to have a nice day, as we got off. When I heard the doors close behind us, I figured it was safe to turn and look up, figuring he would be in the process of pulling away. I met those deep laughing eyes, as he winked before pulling away from the curb with a wave and a beep.
We lost touch after that, so I tried to put it out of my mind. Then a few weeks later I was sitting at the table trying hard to focus on my homework, when I got a text. I was about to ignore it, but I thought it just might be important. It was from him. He identified himself and asked if I remembered him. He also said he was just reaching out to make sure my son and I were okay since we hadn’t spoken in a while. Remember? Hell, I couldn’t forget. And those eyes?! I was surprised he remembered. You know how many passengers ride the bus every day? And that is a popular route.
From that day on, we began talking once or twice a week. Then every other day. Whenever I didn’t see him on the bus, that is. But even while we were finding so much that we had in common, he kept trying to warn me away, telling me not to get emotionally involved. Cuz he was coming out of a bad relationship, wasn’t in the right mindset and felt I deserved so much better.
But, as he told me a while ago, it was already too late. But this is a man I can actually laugh with and cry to, and not be afraid to be vulnerable with, cuz I know he’s got my back. It didn’t matter that he was coming out of a bad relationship, and I was finishing up my degree, dealing with some medical issues, and trying to get my son ready to start another school year. The heart wants what it wants whether you think you’re ready or have time for it or not.
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Now, every time we’re together or on the phone I always try to make sure to tell him I love him and try to show him in every way how much he means to me (us). And how blessed I am that he has come into our lives, spending time with me and my son, while having to miss his own because he has to work just to make ends meet. It breaks my heart to see his frustrations, more so because I’m at a loss on how to help him. I listen (unless asked for feedback), praying in some way it will make a difference. Knowing in reality it would only be temporary.
He says he feels unworthy of me and my love, that what I give him is way more than he could ever give me. Though I can’t see how that’s possible, because of how happy he makes me, I feel the same way about him. As a hard-working, loving and compassionate man and father, he has so much more to offer than he knows but he just can’t see it. He puts others first, but focuses on what he sees as his failures and mistakes. He fails to see his own worth, while telling me I refuse to see the beauty in myself.
I tried to give him a disclaimer before my health began getting bad, that I would understand if he needed to dip out. He refused, and didn’t want to hear any more about it. Both of us agreeing that if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t be going anywhere either. Although I made him promise just to give me a head’s up if he changed his mind. There are times I feel so selfish for not being able to just let him go so his life could be a little less complicated. As much as he calls me the calm in his storm rather than adding to it (and I don’t see how), he’s the wind against my sails and keeps me going.
He listens to me and used to ask me to tell him what I needed whenever I felt off, because somehow he just knows when I do. But he doesn’t even ask anymore. He just knows, and does it, and does way more than he knows just by being there and holding me, and calling or texting me when he can’t be. It’s especially during those times when he can’t be and we’re on the phone that I pray he doesn’t ask how I’m feeling.
But he does anyway, because that’s just who he is. That’s how much he feels for me and knows when I’m feeling “off”, even through the phone. He gets frustrated, and as much of a player as he claims to be, and as strong of a man as he is, there’s no way to mistake that sound of raw helplessness when you know there’s nothing you can do to ease that other person. He even sat in with my mother and I during my last Dr. appt. just so he could learn more about the next phase of my treatment. And make sure the Dr. knew to take me seriously, lol.
As blessed as I know I am to even be alive and that things could be worse, there are times I feel trapped within my own body when I’m having an MG attack. I’m human, and I can’t help that. I’d like to say “I won’t complain”, but I’m not that good a Christian. “I aint there yet”. So I allow myself a five second pity party, then I put on my big girl pants, grab my cane and move on.
Whenever we’ve been together and an attack of weakness comes on, he feels bad. Even though I assure him that after a few moments rest I’ll be fine again. But between the rate of my MG’s progression, the time it’s going to take for the new treatment regiment to kick in and their side effects my doctor has assured me that I can expect things to get worse before they start to get better, and they already have. Gotten worse, that is.
My boo has already had to take me to the ER twice in this past month alone. He hasn’t given me any signs that this is getting to be too much for him, but I’d force myself to let him go before it came to that. I’m no martyr, but that’s how much I love him. He says he doesn’t want to leave, and it’s because of how much he loves me, and not out of any obligation. But I didn’t come into his life to add to his situation, but to try to ease it somewhat if I could. That’s what he does for me.
He is the best thing God has blessed me with other than my life, my family, and my friends since I lost my dad. I feel as if He’s using him to mend that piece of my heart that I thought would stay broken forever. And that He sent him to me right at this time for a reason. But I won’t use him to help me bear this weight if it’s going to add to the one he already bears.