63. The struggle of saying no to people

Edric Subur
Aug 25, 2017 · 2 min read

I struggle with being assertive. I’m not sure if it’s the Asian blood in me or the way I was brought up. But I feel uncomfortable saying no to people.

I’ve gotten better over years. I’m able to take my stand before committing to something, reject non value-adding opportunities and really understand my priorities. But my challenge now is when someone comes to me with a request in person. I might still be able to say no in the most chicken way possible. But if that insists and tries to persuade me, I can be easily swayed. Not because I want to, but I’d say yes because I felt obliged to be polite and to please them.

When that happens, when I do something against my will that I myself agreed to, I feel powerless and useless. I feel bullied by myself. I don’t blame the people who put the pressure on me, but I blame myself for not being able to stand up to myself.

A trick I’m thinking of when such moment happens again is to just calm the fuck down. Rather than saying yes directly out of guilt, just pause for a moment. Even if the silence is deafening, let it creep along.

The first step is to let them know that I am not 100% with them and that starts with the indication of reservation. I can imagine it being profoundly awkward. But I’d face my discomfort head on, embrace it and hopefully channel a little of my uneasiness to the person. It’s only fair.

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