Book Review: How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much by Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas
Dick joke at its finest
This is a hilarious book about a condition called Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), aka “huge penis.” (Not sure why I use quotation marks for that).
It is, according to the book, “[a] genetic birth defect that causes the penis to grow absurdly large. The condition is thought to affect about 1 million American men, though that number may be artificially low due to underreporting.” Ah yes, the underreporting. Finally, a book that understands.
The book covers everything about schlong-related matters. It has a chapter on big dicks throughout history (not sure how the authors can possibly know), on dealing with discrimination, the step-by-step guide to come out to your family and friends, on care and maintenance, on sexual intercourse, it has a dedicated section for daily affirmation journal, there’s even a ruler in one page to measure the length gauge of your package and a some kind of round target image in another page to measure the girth gauge. And the best part is, the book is co-authored by a PhD in Asian economic psychology and a reverend (yeah, reverend. He even provides a prayer for the wiener at some point in the book).
However, jokes aside, it is quite hard at times to figure out whether the book is joking or being serious. I mean, just look at this sentence: “OMG sufferers have a suicide rate 30 times that of the average population. Many more express their pain through self-mutilation, often harming their penises or — in rare cases — cutting them off entirely.”
But due to the overall nature of the book as two blokes having a laugh, I treat this book nothing more than just one huge (pun intended) joke, where nothing is factually correct, no lessons supposed to be learned, and nothing inspirational can be found within its 132 pages. Just dick jokes, dick jokes everywhere. And it’s very entertaining.
Because, c’mon is this sentence even real? “if you fail to remove lingering ejaculate from the urethra of a huge penis, it could harden into a cementlike substance called “cumcrete.” Or this one: “Almost all cases of adult phallophobia (the unnatural fear of penises) are the result of a frightening encounter with a huge penis while in the womb.” Or the claim that due to the vast amount of blood needed to create an erection, someone with a massive dong when having a boner could absorb more blood than needed from elsewhere like from our brain, thus it can cause problems and even deaths (this one’s gold).
But it’s not all nonsense, as the authors are teaching tolerance and harmony, as well as giving excellent advices on how to live life with an enormous junk, advices that can also be applicable for men in any walks of life, any shape and sizes. Such as “[u]nless your partner is a professional sword swallower, it’s probably best to leave oral sex off the bedroom menu.” Or the types of usage your humongous knob can be utilised for, described in a pretty graphic way: as a cliffhanger, as an alibi to escape court sentence, to win an audition for a broadway acting job, to stop a leaking boat.
They also have a lot (like a lot, a lot) of random testimonies from fellow OMG sufferers, and sympathetic sentences such as this: “When you have a weapons-grade wang, the occasional penile wound is a fact of life. Every OMG sufferer over the age of 20 can tell you stories of sitting on his penis, slamming it in a car door, getting it caught in a pool filter, or waking up to find the family cat using it as a scratching post.”
Now can you think of any other book that have such widths and depths of analysis over 1 particular subject than this one? It’s a nice palate cleansing in between the literatures, the history, the psychology, the religion, and books with topics like the rise of AI and government conspiracy crap. Suggestion: they should make a sequel to this book, on balls.
