I have failed.

On September 3, 2013, I heard that the project that wooed me to federal government work was not going to move forward. This is the story of how I mismanaged one of the most important projects I have ever worked on.

The Beginning

It was early 2012, and I was in Afghanistan. A good friend contacted me via email, informing me of a potential employment opportunity – a two-year fellowship – with a new government agency with which he was working. What excited me about the job was that it would have me working on a number of projects that would directly affect service members. A few months later, I applied for the fellowship, and on December 2, 2012, I became one of about 30 other designers, developers, and other amazingly talented folks to join the Design team at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. I was honored, excited, and proud of what we were sure to accomplish.

Come early 2013, I was assigned to a project aimed at improving financial literacy in Americans aged 17 to 23 who were joining the military, specifically those that were enlisting into the Delayed Entry Program (DEP) — the first step towards actually enlisting into one of the services in the Armed Forces. By the time that I joined the team, a vendor had already been selected to design, develop and deploy a working prototype of this tool – I was brought on board to provide guidance and see the project successfully launched.

This never happened. The product that I joined to work on has yet to launch, it probably never will. I failed those that I swore to help, and I will never forget what this feels like.

The Backstory

I was in Afghanistan for most of 2011. I learned first-hand how tough it can be for someone to have financial issues at home while being asked to focus their undivided attention on their mission. I heard many stories from my Marines, whose families received collection calls, letters and, in one case, tried to take them to court over a settled issue.

I heard the same stories, repeated over and over again, coming from the mouths of leaders in other services. Rank, branch, position – it didn’t matter, it was always the same. If it affected one of us, it affected all of us.

So, when I started work on the DEP project, I realized the value of the opportunity with which I had been presented. I was going to have the chance to truly do something to change the status quo, to fight for service-members off the battlefield, so they could fight on it without worrying about the financial well-being of their families. I was given the opportunity, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

How It Happened

As designers focused on experience, we know that it is imperative that we understand our audience, creating a bond with those whose product we’re creating as well as with our colleagues (an element that’s far too often overlooked). For those who owned the product we were working on, the needs of the product were quite evident. They understood their audience. For those who oversaw the technical component, this was merely another product — and this is where I failed.

I failed to relate to my colleagues, to help them understand why this project mattered, and the impact that this project would have on those willing to serve in the Armed Forces. I failed to accurately represent the future soldiers, airmen, coast guards, sailors and Marines that will, for generations to come, risk their lives for us.

Not only that, but I failed to accurately understand the internal challenges that the different offices were facing, from content development and where it would reside to how the prototype would be tested and launched. I failed to keep them in the communication loop — denying them the opportunity to make informed decisions about the project and about how other decisions made could affect it.

The Takeaway (Or: What I Learned)

When I first found out that the project was getting “paused”, I pushed back hard – blaming everyone that I could. I tried to find out who was responsible, and tried placing the blame on everyone but myself.

It’s taken me a while to realize this, but I am now at peace with the fact that I am to blame – that I have failed. I failed because I didn’t see the tides turning, because I didn’t notice the support that I once enjoyed was slowly eroding as I was too focused in the project to look outwards.

Marines are taught to take responsibility for their actions, to be responsible for themselves and their decisions. As a leader I know that I am responsible and accountable to those above me, below me, and those I work with. I’ve accepted this as a fact: I have failed.

And although I’ve failed today, this doesn’t mean I’ve given up, or that I ever will. This just means that today I’ve decided to grow, in order to deliver on a promise I made over spilt blood in the battlefield. I’ve decided to accept the reality of now, in order to be able to succeed in the future.