Healthy Interpersonal Conflict in the Workplace
Conflict isn’t a bad thing. In the workplace, it’s an important part of contributing. It keeps our teams functioning, and we shouldn’t be afraid of it.
The trouble is that some types of conflict easily fit into the workplace, and others involve parts of ourselves that we’d rather not expose at work. In the case of interpersonal conflict, we tend to avoid dealing with the underlying factors in a way that inhibits our progress.
Having interpersonal conflict that moves teams forward is possible, but it’s very challenging. It requires a lot of inner work and compassion, which probably weren’t in your job description. It also flares up when you least feel like doing it and are only feeling compassion for yourself.
What does healthy interpersonal conflict look like?
- Understanding that you own your own self awareness and self care
- Working to understand your own role in the conflict
- Committing to working things out directly with the other person
- Asking for help when needed
It’s a lot more work than what most of us are used to.
Fixing a rift between yourself and another person requires you to take equal care of yourself and them. You do that by practicing self care and abstaining from lashing out at them when they upset you. At some point, you need to seek them out and reach an understanding. It usually goes better if you are willing to listen before trying to make them understand your side of things. This requires an almost superhuman level of compassion over ego.
Your peers and leaders may be able to help you with this in some ways, but most of the work here is yours.
Prefer communication over feedback
Expressing yourself in a comfortably uni-directional, even anonymous forum is safer and easier for you, but it doesn’t necessarily make a team function better. It’s healthier to keep feedback cycles short and to deliver feedback in a direct, bi-directional forum, where it is more of a conversation. That builds trust and respect, because you aren’t going over someone’s head and complaining about them. Timely conversations can be uncomfortable, but they are more productive than storing up your assumptions, resentments, and judgements for months and then delivering them in an unexpected package that threatens someone’s job. At that point you’re just an overfed seagull relieving yourself.
An exception would be if you’ve tried talking to a person a few times and the behaviour doesn’t change. Then it’s a pattern that calls for feedback. The main thing is that it shouldn’t be a surprise to the person receiving it, and it should be as constructive and objective as possible. It’s only fair for all of us to expect that when we get feedback, it’s actually about us.
How to tell when you’re ready to talk
Communication needs to happen at the right time, and with the right intention. Ask yourself: “Is my goal to justify my actions, or to seek greater understanding and alignment with the person I’m in conflict with?” If it’s the former, the conversation won’t go well, so wait until you’re sure you’re ready to listen.
What are the signs you’re not ready to talk?
- You are feeling activated, angry, or upset
- You are unable to empathize with the other person
- You are unable to talk about the situation without labelling or judging the other person
- You are unable to talk about the situation without justifying your own actions
If any of these apply to you, take more time for self care before you engage. Emotions aren’t bad, but we need to own them and work with them rather than letting them loose on others. Attempting to retaliate or make your emotions another person’s problem sets you up for further negative encounters.
How to start the conversation
One of the hardest parts is knowing how to start the discussion. Reach out and make time for a walk, meeting, or coffee. That way it’s in your calendar and you can get mentally prepared. It’s generally better to talk privately since it shows more care for the other person and avoids embarrassment.
If you get tough feedback about yourself
This can be the most challenging part. Listening in an egoless way means listening for the other person’s needs, and asking follow-up questions to understand those needs. When someone hears empathy from you, their anger will often soften quickly.
Try not to listen for offence, but if it’s blatant, let them finish speaking and then share your own needs. If the compassion isn’t going both ways, you probably won’t make progress. End the discussion and ask for help from a mediator.
When is it appropriate to bring in a mediator or discuss one level ‘up’?
- You have taken time for self-care and you are not seeking to win or wound.
- You have taken time to empathize with the other person’s point of view.
- You have spoken to the person directly and were not successful, OR
- You have identified that you would like to talk to the person directly, but you need to ask for mediation/help to increase safety and fairness.
- There is added complexity due to a high level of upset, or a complicated power dynamic
Essentially, it’s fine to call in help as long as you’ve done your own work first. If you habitually go to a manager rather than talking to your peers directly, you’re engaging in something called triangulation. Admittedly, in some workplaces this pattern of communicating is still the norm. Just be aware that if you do it when it’s not necessary, it needlessly disempowers you and is a form of delegating your own work to your ‘boss’.
When is it appropriate to discuss the issue with others?
If you are still upset and needing some empathy, you may notice an urge to speak badly of a co-worker, justify your side of the conflict, and get others to agree with you. This is human, but at work it’s particularly inappropriate because it’s a form of bullying. When you are sure you’re the victim, you can easily justify these behaviours in yourself. Unfortunately, indulging in it solves nothing and it will only make the conflict worse. Reach out to people in your personal life for empathy and support until you’re in a better place. The parts of the brain that govern compassion and clear thinking shut down when we feel threatened, angry, or upset. Trying to solve conflict when your brain is in that state is a bit like trying to watch TV without turning it on.
Once you’re feeling more balanced, It’s okay to ask peers for perspectives. Have they noticed the situation? Are there any holes in your version of the story? Are you unknowingly playing a role in the problem? The key is understanding your place in the problem, not getting people to justify you.
If your peers indulge you in some feel-good smackdown of your ‘adversary’, do not engage with that. It may feel good in the short-term but it doesn’t solve anything and it doesn’t help you.
How can other members of a team support people in conflict?
- Don’t pick sides
- Remind an upset co-worker that you care about them and suggest they take a break for some self care if they seem like they need it
- Empathize with them when they talk about their own feelings and needs, but do not justify them if they veer into judging or blaming others.
- Provide them with feedback that helps them understand the situation in an objective way.
- Resist adding drama to the issue or enabling your team member to place responsibility outside of themselves.
- Empower them to resolve their own problem.
- Encourage them to be their best self.
In sum
Nothing here is ground-breaking, but when we’re wrestling with our baser human tendencies, it’s both counter-intuitive and hard work. I hope this helps you frame conflict in a way that’s beneficial for you and your teams.
See part 2 of this article for Helpful Tips for Each Stage of Conflict
Resources:
Most of these thoughts come from the books listed here:
A great example of conflict guidelines
Essential tools
Counselling
Meditation
