8 Ways to Grow Older With Grace

The author with very little grace.

Today is my 43rd Birthday. For the last two years I’ve written advice to my younger self on my birthday, but this year I wanted to speak to my current self. Or to myself in the coming years as I begin to forget all of this. Or to you, Dear Reader, if you too are starting to grapple with the march of time.

Dear 43 Year Old Edward,

1. Hold Your Real Friends Really Close. In my 20’s and 30’s, I thought I had made a number of great lasting friendships. College friends. First job friends, etc. But then when I moved town, changed jobs, or ended a romantic relationship, those rock solid friendships would soon fade into the past. These were situational friends — people who remained friends with me as long as my situation didn’t change, but they were gone as soon as it did. Then on my 39th birthday, while I was in a black whole of despair after a major break-up, when it felt like all my friends had broken up with me too, at around 11:00pm as I sat alone in my apartment surrounded by pizza boxes, the doorbell rang. When I opened it, 7 friends rushed in to throw me a Pop-Up Surprise Birthday Party. I cried. And I still cry almost every time I think about it. Your real friends are the ones who throw you parties when you are down. They forgive your faults. And they see your best self even when you’re at your worst. Call a few of those people today. Tell them you love them. Maybe they are the ones needing a real friend this time.
2. Begin to See Your Parents Simply as People. All my life, my father was a larger than life figure. Sometimes to be revered, other times to be feared. Then at some point around his 70th birthday, I began to see something different. I no longer saw a man who had all the answers, or at least thought he did. Instead, I saw a man who was afraid of getting old, who needed help getting up out of deep couches, or who simply wanted a hug and to hold on to what remains of his dignity. I began to see him simply as another human being deserving of empathy and kindness — nothing more and nothing less. There is a sadness in losing the myth of invincibility of our parents, but there’s is also a beauty in seeing ourselves as equals to them — all passengers on the journey of life — all equally flawed, equally in need of love, and equally human.
3. Figure Out Exactly What You’re Best At…and Just Do It. Some people know precisely what they are best at from a young age. I did not. There were many things I wanted to be. I wanted to be a rockstar. I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to be a political consultant. I was decent at all of those things, but I wasn’t the best. And then a few classmates in grad school asked me to coach them. It was something I had never considered, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to try. But damn, it felt really good — and I was really good at it too! It seemed effortless and obvious to me, but to my clients, it was magic. Find that thing that is your “zone of genius,” and do it. Do it all the time. You’ll never regret it.
4. Find Your Uniform and Wear It. There are some people who always wear something different and outlandish like they are trying to surprise you. And there are others who where more or less the same thing everyday because frankly, they just figured out what looks and feels good, and they are done futzing around. I tend to get along better with the latter. And as David Byrne said, “People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.” So, maybe you feel best in yoga pants, or you’ve decided long flowing linen is your thing. Whatever it is, buy 10 of them and wear them. For one, you’ll save hours each week trying stuff on, and two, you’ll always look and feel comfortable in your own skin. And isn’t that what fashionable clothes are supposed to do anyway?
5. Buy the Best in the Category that You Can Afford. I’ve known this in principle for a while, but never really put it in these words until my buddy Steve Tam spelled it out for me a few weeks ago. Let’s face it: you’re no longer in your 20’s. Why are still buying disposable furniture, cheap (uncomfortable) shoes, and scratchy sheets? We’re adults now: Let’s buy decent stuff that we intend to keep for a while. I’m not saying everything has to be “luxury” brands (most of which are of debatable quality), but do a little research into the core materials and craftsmanship of the products you buy. No more junk items you’ll just have to replace in a couple years. Spending 50% more will most often give you both 3x the usage and 5x the joy and comfort.
6. Give ZERO Fucks What Other People Think and Say About You. Just today I had a friend essentially say, “Hey, someone told me something about you that was pretty negative, but I can’t tell you who it was or what was said.” I really had to laugh. Are we in high school? What’s the old saying? “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” Be great, and surround yourself with great people. And don’t give two fucks about what small minds think or say. I’d bet $100 the artists, authors, and thinkers you admire most operate by this exact same principle.
7. Get Off the Couch and Do Something. As we age, it takes more and more effort to do just about everything. Making dinner can feel exhausting. Going for a run feels like torture. The thought of having sex every day with our partner seems…impossible. But the fastest way to GET OLD is to stop doing all the things you used to do that kept you young. At 43, I still workout 5–6 days a week, I travel internationally a few times a year with little more than a backpack, I spend less than 60 minutes a week watching TV, and I walk just about everywhere I go. But the point is, I am absolutely not giving in to any of the absolute BS friends my age tell me that they are too tired to do X, too busy to do Y, couldn’t be bothered to do Z. Yes, we all have jobs and responsibilities. But we also owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to show up every day as our best selves. Life is nothing more than a series of choices. And we can choose to get off the couch and do something, or we can choose to turn on the TV and watch other people doing things. It’s really up to us. But given that I know 70 year olds that still have sex once a week (yes!), and 80 year olds that still run marathons, (and I say this will love!) please don’t tell me you’re too tired or don’t have time to go to the gym. :)
8. Just Be Grateful You are Even Alive. A few friends of mine had a huge revelation a few years ago… “Holy Shit, We’re Alive!” The premise is simple: How many random things had to happen, from your grandparents and parents meeting to the one sperm meeting the one egg on one day years ago that created your exact DNA combination, for YOU to be born? We all spend so much time lamenting what’s wrong that we rarely stop to sit back and think, “Wow, I can’t believe I even get to be here.” Never mind being grateful that you eat regular meals, most likely aren’t a refugee (much love if you are), and very likely have had sufficient education to get a decent job in a developed nation. God, you’ve probably even flown in a plane a few times. Forget all of that… You’re actually here. And that’s pretty awesome. Begin your days with a feeling of fullness and gratitude, and everything else will seem like a gift — no matter how frustrating it might seem sometimes.

Well, that’s all I got this year, kiddo. Love ya!

If you liked this story (even a little), please click the little “HAND” to the left. It will help other people read it, and it will mean a lot to me.

Edward Sullivan is the CEO and Managing Partner at GainVelocity.com — an executive coaching and training organization that helps start-up CEOs and corporate executives navigate the challenges of leadership with authenticity. With offices in San Francisco and New York, Velocity Group helps leaders and their teams optimize their performance and overcome obstacles to growth. He can be reached at edward@gainvelocity.com.