DEAR J.J. ABRAMS RE: ROGUE ONE A STAR WARS STORY, RE: MY DISGUST, RE: FEMINISM

please note this is a joke

Mr. Abrams,

I have recently watched the trailer for your new movie, Star Wars: Rogue One: A Star Wars Tale, and by “watched” I mean “seen various screenshots” as I find it disgusting and one click = one respect, and sir, you do not earn my respect.

You sir, are besmirching the world with your cruel and disgusting (HOSTLE!!!) takeover of the Star Wars universe.

You have made it unrealistic, stupid, moronic — you have destroyed the formerly great Star Wars universe by removing important characters such as Luke Skywalker’s clone Luuke Skywalker, Luke Skywalker’s other clone Luuuke Skywalker, the Sun Crusher ship that was more powerful as the death star and looked like an umbrella, an entire scene in the book Shadows of the Empire where an alien tries to do it with Leia using pheromones (WHERE HE FAILS TO DO SO, JUST LIKE THE COLOGNE THAT THE MAN ON THE INTERNET SAID WOULD WORK BUT ALSO FAILED ME, VERY REALISTIC), the sith lord that was also a dragon, and the important blob alien that was sort of maybe the origin of the sith (but was a woman, QED, I rest my case). And of course, you stopped Kyle Katarn from existing, and I’ll never, ever stop hating you, or myself, for that.

You took my expanded universe and now you have taken my manhood, you have castrated me, by having women lead the Star Wars universe. I imagine it went like this:

LOYAL, STRONG MAN DIRECTOR: I am going to have a man who lifts the weights and saves the day-

[ABRAMS, driving in PINK HUMVEE]

ABRAMS: No, we must only have women, also, all men are banned from the set, EXECUTE ORDER 69.

Rogue One, as we now all know, is an all-female cast, including noted female actors Alan Tudyk, Forest Whitaker and Diego Luna. A lead role, played by Felicity Jones (I don’t even LIKE Marvel Comics — also OWNED BY DISNEY), is of course female, which is disgusting, as Shelly never called me back, or texted me back, and blocked my number.

Worse still, in Star Wars: The FARCE Awakens, we saw Poe Dameron and Finn face to face, as if they were conversing but I know they were meant to be kissing but a brave soul argued with you, J.J., and I was not aroused, and I was not disappointed, I was furious. Why must every Star Wars tale now involve the following:

• A woman
• A man

What is going on? Why is it not just a man? Why are you ruining the reality of the Star Wars universe, a universe that is created on the background of realistic dialogue such as “the lightsaber is the tool of the Jedi” and “I overrode the capacitor” and “the force flows through us all”?

What’s next? Will Starkiller Base return as a feminist movement in which they eliminate all men, and they win, and I’m forced to have hours of lovemaking with a man? Hot, sweaty lovemaking? That I do not want and I do not have any confusion about?

Why is this movie making me so uncomfortable? When will the men kiss? I mean when will the men stop kissing? What is going on? Why is a woman leading Rogue One? It’s unrealistic, in the background of people shooting lasers? Why is the woman in the Rogue One movie shooting MEN? Is it because she hates MEN? Probably because she hates MEN and not the EMPIRE which just happens to be run by two MEN (WINK, that’s SARCASM, J.J.). Women are taking over these realistic movies, making them unrealistic, as proven by the WOMAN Maz Kanata claiming Chewbacca is her BOYFRIEND. How would they even have SEX?

I rest my case. Please reshoot and recast the entire move.

Yours DISrespectfully,

An angered Star Wars fan.