Herein Lies The Promise Of E. B. Zitron

Potential customers, members of the media, former clients, former paramours, current clients and my esteemed peers, I have decided to put into words my plans and thoughts for 2016 in the light of a new year, in which I bathe thick in the musk of the brand-stench and rise anew. I have made it clear previously that I am the most important Public Relations thought leader and I intend to further develop these ideas into somewhat of a promise — or a threat — to my industry going forward.

ADEPT PUBLIC RELATIONS PROFESSIONALS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

Public Relations, as I see it entering my 8th year, is an industry made almost entirely of people disconnected from the human race intellectually and at times physically. Much like a pile of leaves caked with excrement, they rustle in the wind, barely touching the rest of the world until somebody cleanses them (disease, the law, a carefully placed trap of my own creation) from this planet. They are truth-challenged, reality-bereft nincompoops seeking to adjust the world to their flawed understanding of their industries to make themselves feel better.

I have come to realize that there is no training nor helping them. There is no amount of thinkpiecery that may help them, no educational aspect that can save those currently stuck in this industry. The rare crust of “good” public relations professionals are so because they are able to look at an email account and say “you are the place I send emails to people to make them do a post somewhere,” not some articulated shit-spindle about virtual augmented reality toothpicks. Whether they are filled to the brim with opiates or simply were bounced like a basketball as a baby, I do not know, and I do not care. There are simply very few people in Public Relations not born with the inherent ability to write things as they are not as they wish they would be, and to these people, I promise — bitter are the fluids of E.B. Zitron.

A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul. I have been placed in this industry as a mistake that cannot be fixed, made stronger through the hatred of the weak, and in 2016 I will shift toward a new view of Public Relations Professionals.

I will continue to write things about improving PR, but I no longer folly with the expectation I can make bad PR people good. Instead, I must change my tactics. We are at war.

INNOVATIVE IS THE CRUELTY OF E.B. ZITRON

I shall now make war with you, Public Relations. I will not hide your name or agency when I receive your form pitches. I will not spare you your shame, your sadness, your worry, your fear. Every form pitch I receive from 1PM of the lord’s day the 4th of January 2016 shall be posted, every agency recorded and publicly aired. I will be ruthless and cruel. I will remove your email and phone number, as this is illegal. You will call me unethical. I will call you dirt.

I am an unshaven man of poor hygiene, and yet I am better than you in my pajamas. I have beaten you for business while sitting on the latrine, contemplating your failures as I architect them. I shall continue to do so, but I shall now, unlike years before, aggressively attempt to take your clients. This is not because I wish to have a big business, but I crave balance in this world. If your team form-pitches and scams clients, I shall look to remove them from your coffers.

I am alive with fury at your poor performance. I wanted the best for you. Now you must be fought with.

THE UPDOG HAS FAILED ME AND IT SHALL BE EUTHANIZED

The Updog Experiment did not work. Its existence was to teach people that they should not arbitrarily spam email addresses up and down and side to side, to show someone, through the most childish of jokes, that they are wrong and should seek to be right. This did not stop agencies like Max Borges Agency pitching me over 10 clients, Asylum PR and Vantage PR sending me email after email, or great companies like Zagg or Bosch (Edelman) paying vast sums for what amounts to a small bird pecking at the carriage return key. Perhaps Shift PR should stop too. Perhaps Bang & Oflusen should fire creation.io (part of the Interpublic Group, a multi-billion dollar company).

I question how you sleep at night doing such poor-quality, empty-headed work. I question how you continue to think nobody will come for you and your clients. I question how you think that this is a fair way to do business, let alone an ethical or legal one. I do not know.

I SHALL AID YOUR ENEMIES AND UTILIZE ONLY THE MOST BRUTAL OF METHODS TO SUCCEED IN MY MISSION

I shall hide in an animal carcass and pounce at you to surprise you on a conference call. I shall, as many agencies have this year, contact your clients if I feel like it. Maybe I will not. Maybe you will read this and think it’s a big bluff, and I’d not. Perhaps you will find yourself talking to your clients, warning them of the boogie-man Ed Zitron, the man who hid inside your house, wearing your clothes, moving as you moved to fool you into believing you were using a mirror. Perhaps you will glean something from this mostly joking piece, or perhaps you will understand that I’m quite serious about some things. But what things?

What truths did Ed Zitron post on Medium? Is he to simply keep doing what he did as he always has? Or is he planning to do more with four people than you are with 10, or 20, or 40? Is he going to file report upon report with the FTC over CAN SPAM violations you’re making? Is he going to have a diet coke?

MY PITCHES ARE PAINLESS, UNLIKE MY METHODS

In all seriousness, this is going to be the year that I would advise you all stop being quite so shitty at your jobs. If you read this and experience anger, take a second to find it within yourself that you may be doing something wrong. You can keep shit-talking me to reporters, too. I know all about it. I know about the clients I’ve still won despite you saying hilariously untrue things, too.

Much of this was inspired by David Thorpe’s J.F. Swanton.

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