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Ed Zitron

How To Enjoy CES Or At Least Not Hate It So Much

I’ve done CES four times now, and with EZPR I’ll be going into my third year. I’ve been to Vegas. We always enjoy our CES times. We have a great time, while working, while doing things that actually make the trip not just profitable but fun. Please tell me if you have a great idea and I will add it and give you credit! I’m sure I’ve missed stuff. I’ve probably got something wrong.

EZPR will have a suite at the Palazzo for reporters and approved guests to file their stories (free wifi) and a bar run by the dude who did bartending at the South Pole. We do this so that we can see people and also not hate ourselves — an oasis in the chaos. For the next CES, book your hotel like we did 11 months early. Our suite was cheaper than a two-queen room in Caesar’s about 6 months before the show.

Before we get to how to enjoy it, let’s nail what sucks about CES.

  • It’s overwhelming, with over a hundred thousand people present for one event.
  • It’s loud.
  • It’s full of thirsty, annoying PR people.
  • It’s sweaty. God, is it sweaty.
  • It’s full of desperation. The people who yell at you for your attention. The yelling in general.
  • It’s miles wide and you walk a lot. Appointments bounce all over the place, because people can’t necessarily afford floor space. So you’re traipsing to the Venetian or Palazzo or, worse, further to get to an appointment.
  • The parties, mostly, suck. They’re usually poorly planned — if it’s a free bar, it’s limited somehow, god they’re loud, and if they’re not, they’re inadequately stocked. Or there’s that one party Scoble had with the weed smell and two beers.
  • You forget to eat. When you go to eat, it’s the worst kind of expensive S’barro-level garbage.
  • You gamble with an idiot and you lose all your money. This idiot may be you.

Thing I’m Shocked To Have Had To Tell At Least Ten People From California: DO NOT OPENLY SMOKE WEED. BE VERY CAREFUL WITH YOUR WEED. There’re quite real penalties! You might get arrested if you piss off the cop! This is not like California!

UPDATE 2016: If you have a medical marijuana card, I believe they will now honor it in Nevada. I am not a lawyer.

Also thank you for letting me know it’s horrible and you’re so glad you’re not going, it is very helpful.

BIG HONKING WARNING BEFORE I START IF YOU ARE FLYING FROM SF — this is not an ad:

Sign up for Clear for $179 a year before you go. It’s a thing you pay money for that lets you use a special line at both SFO and Las Vegas airport. It is faster than both Pre Check and First Class. Both airports are going to be a shit-show the entire trip. I did this last year for SFO (I don’t think they had it in Vegas yet) and my god was the line long. Unless you really enjoy waiting in lines of people. I have a referral code that you use here and we get two three months but really this is just something that will save you heartache.

You Didn’t Book CES Yet? Oh God! A horrible 2016 update.

  • You blew it. Let it sink in. This is now 2 to 5 times more expensive for a 5 to 10 times worse experience.
  • You are not going to be able to stay, if you are a regular Vegas visitor, where you usually stay. As far as raw convenience goes, the Renaissance is gone — and has been the best part of 9 months. Harrah’s, the Millenium Falcon of hotels with its got-it-where-it-counts features of a direct tram to the convention center as well as walkability to the Sands convention center, is sold out. The Palazzo and Venetian? Long gone.
  • Flights are now much, much more expensive.
  • You are about to get charged ridiculous sums to stay in places that would usually comp you at least one night.
  • The Tram Map is valuable to you. You want to be on the right (literally the right) side of the strip.
  • If you want to take advantage of the tram and go straight to the convention center and there are two of you, the Westgate Las Vegas is currently $538 a night. If this seems like a bad deal, it is, as this hotel usually costs about $35 a night. But it’s on the tram line.
  • Airbnb may be your last, best hope, but be *very very aware* that people can simply cancel on you last minute. Watch reservations that aren’t instant, and/or have any kind of review underneath that says “host canceled X days before event.” A host will gladly — and can! — take a hit of 10% of your reservation simply to make 25% more on some other dipshit.
  • The CES Shuttle Service actually goes to places like Circus Circus (oh my god, it’s sold out!?), The Golden Nugget ($189 a night) and even The D Last Vegas ($213 a night) — none of which are on the strip, the latter of which is in Downtown Vegas and isn’t as bad as you may think. The Plaza Hotel is currently $145 a night and the shuttle goes there. Again, this is a hotel costing $45 a night usually. I do not recommend the Plaza.

Okay — Here’s How To Improve CES Vastly.

Note, I’m not going to tell you what to pack in your suitcase.

Bonus Advice I’ll add to from readers!

  • Lee Hutchinson, ArsTechnica — “Added journo perspective: Pre-plan times to be back in your room to write, because ultimately that’s what you’re there for. That’s always the most stressful part for me: managing intake vs. output. I got deliverables…FOR PR PEOPLE: I’m not taking a meeting with you unless I already know I’m writing about you, so 5 back-to-back meetings means 5 pieces I gotta do, and I gotta do ’em that afternoon, before the two other meetings I have to hit that day…as a journo you’re not there for YOU. You’re there to let others see out your eyes and hear out your ears.”
  • From @TheDutchSlayer: bring an extra pair of socks to change into after a day on the floor, as after 7+ hours your dogs will be barking.

Here’re some basics to know about Vegas During (And Not During) CES

  • Just because something is “On The Strip” does not mean it’s close. The Cosmopolitan is nearly an hour’s walk away.
  • Crossing the road in the strip is a lot harder than you’d think. It’s confusing and annoying. Bridges, tunnels, all sorts.
  • Fun shortcut: Go through Harrah’s versus the street. It’s a total mess outside. Always.
  • Cabs will be sparse during Vegas. Uber is in Vegas, but there’ll be traffic. Leave extra time.
  • The Las Vegas Monorail is affordable, and literally goes to the convention center (from tons of other places) but it also is like the aftermath of a sports game on the subway/BART/bus during the time you’ll probably wanna be on it. Just be aware.
  • You need your ID on your everywhere if you want to use your credit card, let alone gamble.
  • Almost every shop is marked up for food, drink, etc.
  • Each casino is based on one of a few different loyalty programs. This means every dollar you spend at a restaurant, on your hotel, while you gamble, etc. earns you points. If you are already a certain status level, you get faster valet, discounts at certain restaurant.
  • Here are the three ones to know — TOTAL REWARDS: Caesar’s, Harrah’s, Bally’s, Paris, The Cromwell, The Linq, The Planet Hollywood, The Rio, The Flamingo. Grazie: The Venetian, The Palazzo. MLIFE: a bunch of places I don’t gamble at and don’t want to write out.
  • Wanna eat cheaper for the entire week? The Buffet of Buffets is $54.99, and you get access to 5 buffets for 24 hours. You can update to better ones. It’s not the best food but you can eat whatever, wherever. They will have lines. They’re all over the place. Note, the nicer one (Caesar’s) and others require you to upgrade.
  • Casinos are built to be confusing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re lost. Keep asking. Follow the signs, but keep asking. No you’re not embarrassing. Ask the security guard, ask someone working a table or a desk. Do not ask a random person in Vegas.
  • If someone offers you a limo it’s bad.
  • If someone asks if you want to go to a comedy show, walk away.
  • If you are told by someone they have “a system” or “are the best at” a certain kind of gambling, you probably don’t wanna gamble with them.
  • It’s going to be a lot of idiots walking around.

Prepare Your CES Carry-Around Bag

  • If you have left for CES already, and are in Vegas: Go to Walgreens at the Venetian. This is where you can get many of these items. If you need extra battery packs, I have about 10. I will gladly lend you one. Walgreens is your god.
  • 2016 Update: There’s now a Walgreens on the way to Harrah’s — I believe by the Best Western Casino Royale Oh MY GOD Don’t Stay Here Resort and Casino. There’s also one toward the Cosmopolitan, and another near the Stratosphere.

Here’s what to put in the bag:

  • Battery pack. If you can get one, get one with a cable built in. Like this, so that you don’t accidentally take the cable out to lend your buddy and then it’s gone, and you’ve just got a heavy little block. Ideally you want at least 6000 mAh. An iPhone 6S Plus has a less-than-3000 mAh battery, for comparison. This one is also great, as it has a built-in AC plug. Also plug in your battery at any time, and make sure it’s pocketable.
  • 2016 Update: There’re now ridiculously large battery packs — up to 30,000 mAh — grab one that charges using Qualcomm Quickcharge. Note the word “using.” As in the battery pack charges using it. Also, if you’re using a Macbook (not a Macbook Pro) powered by USB-C, there’re tons of battery packs that will now charge your laptop!
  • Hand sanitizer. CES is gross. You can get little wipes.
  • Two to Four bottles of water, ideally those little ones, buy a big pack early. Why specifically these? Lighter. You get a big one, you’re gonna be thirsty, and you’re gonna glug it. Or it’ll get stale over time. @Willsmith had the excellent idea of using a reusable bottle because there’re fountains everywhere.
  • Your laptop, or tablet, and make sure it’s light and has a big battery life.
  • If you’re like me, and you have a terrible ankle or legs or something, you may want to buy a backpack chair and/or an ankle brace. “Oh Ed, you so crazy, a chair?” guess what, I just saved you some real pain. You can get ones that are very small. You can sit down anywhere. Or this one.
  • Obviously this isn’t in the bag but wear comfy shoes. Memory foam soles or something. This is something everyone forgets for some reason.
  • A few granola bars. Do not bring nuts, they won’t sate your hunger. Do not bring super sugary candy. They will spike your hunger and you will possibly crash. I like these.
  • Some hand wipes: Just in case. These ones are antibacterial too!
  • Tissue packs like these.
  • A Shout or Tide pen to clean up whatever mess you get on you.
  • Deodorant. While your first instinct will be to say “haha yeah, for the other attendants!” at some point you’ll turn to yourself and say “oh no, it’s me, I am the stinker.”
  • Advil, Aleve, or some other kind of pain-killer you know works for you.
  • Pepto Bismol: Ideally in tabs, but bottle is how I like it. You can get little bottles.
  • Notepad, four pens. Maybe more.
  • Chapstick, thanks @tomwarren.
  • A print map of the strip, if you can get one.

Apps To Get

Know The Strip And The Casinos/Hotels

  • Apart from the Renaissance Hotel and the hotel literally connected to the convention center (The LVH, formerly the Las Vegas Hilton), the hotel to know near the convention center is The Venetian, which is connected to the Palazzo. THE VENETIAN IS CONNECTED TO THE SANDS CONVENTION CENTER. A lot of meetings happen here, some press conferences.
  • DO NOT GAMBLE HERE, IT IS VERY EXPENSIVE. I will get to gambling later. But this is a bad area to gamble.
  • There is a Walgreens directly connected to the Venetian. This is not marked up *nearly* as much as the rest of the stores, unlike any of the rest of the stores. This means if you want soda, or food, or even alcohol, it’s here. There’s also one at the Planet Hollywood at the corner of E. Harmon and S. Las Vegas Blvd. It’s across the street from the Aria shops.

How To Have Fun

  • 2016 Update: Get Some Reservations: There’re tons of restaurants all over the strip. Get on Opentable and make some reservations. Even if you don’t make them, CES IS GOING TO BE CROWDED WITH ASSHOLES TRYING TO EAT TOO, SO BE PREPARED.
  • You don’t have to go to anywhere you don’t want to. I know your buddy is all “dude you gots to go to this party for VEPOO, the startup for flying poops, but don’t go. Your friends are going to a club. Your friends are going to a strip club. I know, peer pressure. Don’t go if you don’t want to. Continuing from that…
  • Don’t Assume You Have To See Everything: You are I assume there to work. You don’t have to see every inch of the LVCC. You don’t have to see everyone.
  • See People You Love And Never See: This is the best part of CES.
  • Plan Ahead: Know you’ll be out late? Get a damn cab booked. Don’t rely on uber. The cabs in Vegas aren’t particularly reliable. 2016 Update: Uber still isn’t very good there.
  • A good night’s sleep is better than a shitty night out. There are parties galore and lots of things going on. Do what you want to.
  • Stick to a drink, and drink as moderately as you can, you’re an adult after all. Avoid cocktails unless they’re really good, and especially really sugary ones from a bad place. Read about how to avoid hangovers. Drink water.
  • EXCELLENT 2016 TIP: https://twitter.com/JGfromOC/status/804089937691693058 — Emergence-C in a water bottle rules! Especially if you horked and blorked long into the night.
  • 2016 Booze Update: Stick to one drink. Red wine? Great. Do Red Wine. Mixing is gonna be the death of you.
  • There’re other fun things in the area, such as Ethel M’s Chocolate Factory, the Main Street Station Microbrewery and the National Atomic Testing Museum. Or you can shoot guns at The Gun Store.

How To Gamble (Or Not Gamble) Without Being An Idiot — Thank You Phil Broughton @Funranium, Who Has Gambled For Decades

Unless you’re a Big Gamblin’ Badass who knows all about it, you may decide “I’m going to gamble. What’s the harm?” The answer is “your money can disappear.” Most of the strip will have inflated table values this entire week. So here’re some tips. I’m not going to tell you how to play, just how to react to it if you’re pulled into it. ALWAYS LEARN THE RULES FIRST. There is no harm in asking the dealer. They are not there to trick you into losing, and if anyone gives you crap at the table for asking, complain.

Keep your cash in the safe, and when you’re done gambling, never go back to it. Or as @funranium suggests, turn it into material goods you wanted. I’d advise only doing that if you have profit. Discipline.

I know a lot of people who go to Vegas who win big, then never win anything ever again, ever, and lose hundreds or thousands. They get lucky, which is what happens when you win any time ever, then they get stupid. Discipline, my friends.

You walk up to a table with cash and your ID, and you will need that ID. You will get chips. You will when you leave, ideally, have chips, which need to give to the cashier before you leave the casino, as they are not worth anything in real life or outside of it, and are technically the casino’s property. Cash it in every time, even if you are intending to return, especially if you are using the loyalty program — that’s calculated on your walk up money.

First of all don’t gamble unless you want to. You don’t have to gamble! There’s no reason to unless you want to! You probably won’t win money, and if someone bullies you into gambling, they’re a prick! There’re also classes at many casinos.

Also, bankroll intelligently if you actually want to gamble for a bit. This depends on the game. A lot.

My good friend Phil Broughton, who has gambled a lot, roughly suggests *FOR BLACKJACK* you should bring thirty times your opening bet for a session (your time doing whatever) and roughly plan for three sessions in a weekend. So if your opening bet is $5, then that’s $150, $300 if it’s $10, etc. That is not going to go far if you get your ass handed to you quickly, but that’s a good beginning. A session ends after thirty hands or when you hit your established loss limit. You basically want to make sure you don’t blow everything in one go. If you get more than 20% above what you walked in with, it’s a great time to leave. You can leave, mostly, at any time. YOU NEVER HAVE A HOT HAND DO NOT SAY THAT.

He also says it’s 50x for Baccarat because that moves so fast. Also apparently it was invented so that inbred royalty had a game easy enough to play.

Your loss limit is personal, but most people according to Phil, stick at 50%. 20% is conservative. He runs 30% and sees how fast he hits it. This is what he calls “the metagame with yourself,” to prevent angry.

IF YOU GET EMOTIONAL, WALK AWAY. The reason you bankroll intelligently is to stop yourself freaking out because you’re losing so much. But more importantly if you get mad, get out of there.

Do Not Use The Cash Machines, Not Just Because They Have Punitive Fees: But because it’ll establish you can keep going back for more cash. And lose it.

Every game has their vagaries if you’re serious. I really mean this: play intelligently. Walk away if you’re winning. Profit is different to winning. If the following scares you away from gambling, good, you should be scared, it’s real money. The moment you get emotional you are going to do something moronic. You should never “go back to win your money.” It’s gone.

Okay, so here’s a more intermediate/complex example of bankrolling. Craps (and if you don’t get these terms, you shouldn’t bet like this), there’s a “shooter.” The chances of a hot shooter are, roughly, one in ten. So you should budget your layout, ten times, multiplied by the amount of times you want to play. For example (a very basic one, as things fluctuate behind the line, blah blah blah), if you bet at a $5 table, and always bet the pass line, $10 behind the line and bet on 6 and 8 (so $12, $6 a piece), that’s $27. So you want to bankroll $270 a table, and if you want to play 5 tables, you want to bring $1350 to play.

Craps is a great example about the difference between “profit” and “winning.” Not to get too granular, but on a craps table there are lots of numbers. You can bet on “8,” but also “hard 8,” which is two 4’s on the two dice that get rolled. Hard 8 pays 8:1, and you can bet a dollar. That seems great! Except, when you get an “easy 8,” you lose that bet. It’s gone. You’ll see dudes hammer the hard 8, lose it constantly, then when it rolls — they will hoot and holler their way around the table. Even if they have put $5 on it for 10 rolls, losing $50, and they just won $45.

Your goal is to leave with more money than you walked up with or have fun. If you did both, you really really won.

  • Slots are dumb. They are the most profitable thing for the casino. I know you definitely have one friend who won $100 for a bet of $1. That’s not gonna be you. I know your plan is to drink your way to profit. That is a stupid idea. Stop.
  • DO NOT PLAY POKER IF YOU DO NOT KNOW YOU ARE GOOD AT POKER OR DO NOT KNOW THE RULES. If your buddy is there saying he or she is a poker champ, great, let them. Do not go to the table with the old men. They will chew you up.
  • If you’re new to any game, don’t play unless it’s $5.
  • Roulette is a game for maniacs. Also, red or black isn’t 50/50, because there’s 0. So either it’s boring or stupid.
  • Craps is a very confusing game that’s actually much easier to play than most do. Read this. Remember, your goal is to profit, not win. The table is full of people, full of numbers, and full of noise. They will yell stuff that is confusing and you will want to follow the hooting man. Do not follow him. If you ever see the words Crapless Craps, laugh, walk away.
  • Blackjack is easier. Most people know the rules. Get to 21. There’re some dicey plays — you got 15! What do you do? Etc. Ask the other players. It’s gambling, you’ll probably lose. Watch out for weird Blackjack. If it’s not just Blackjack, walk away. If it’s a cheap table with nobody at it, assuming it’s weird Blackjack.
  • I don’t know about other games but you should probably stay away from anything like Casino War, Pai Gow Poker, whatever weird form of sit-down poker there is in the middle of the casino, etc.
  • Finally, if you want to gamble cheaper, go off-strip (thanks @benkuchera). I like the Main Street Station. This may be the only place you’ll find a $5 table in the entirety of CES.

Anyway

If you read this far, thank you. Contact me @edzitron if you have questions.

-Ed