I Am The Most Important Public Relations (#PR) Thought Leader
It’s really important when branding your trends to learn from the best. I am the best, most influential Public Relations thought leader (or “thought lord”) that you can find. Why? Because I have trended more brands spatially, metaphysically and ontologically than any other Public Relations person alive, or also dead. It is very important that you know these facts are true, rather than false, because being incorrect in Public Relations is a very bad. I will now map out the key terms for Public Relations I have created so that you may correctly perform Public Relations. It is key that the entire industry listens to me on this issue so that we can correctly harmonize our thoughtship. I have lived at least three centuries on the internet (“trend-embedded” or “on line”) Thought leaders are key to every industry, and as such I must thank and honor my good friend and personal thought-guru Jon Hendren for leading DevOps, and thought leadership.
The Public Relations Code Of Ethics
- When you brand, you must always trend.
- Do not trend without branding.
- Brands are key.
- Trends are key.
- It is very important to blog.
- #Hashtags are vital.
- Do not Anti-Brand.
- Do not commit Wrongtalk.
Wrongtalk is when your brand trends incorrectly, creating dissonance with your stakeholders (also known as trend-fretting). If a brand trend-frets more than three times, it is scientifically proven that that company will fail and that every member of that company will be fired and never be able to work again. This is why you must avoid wrongtalk at all costs.
When a thought lord (or “thought captain”) such as myself helps a brand trend, blogs tend to “warp” to contain the thoughts (“brand milk”) that I have made them drink (“consumerate”). Please do not suggest making “brand milkshakes.” Not only is this immensely dangerous, this is actually illegal.
When a trend has become so well-embedded, usually due to the work of a thought captain (or “thought priest”) such as myself, in the consumer psyche (“trend-brain”), and the consumer begins connecting, socially, virally and theologically with the brand, trend-silt is developed. Trend-silt is an important part of a Public Relations Professional’s arsenal. It is used to build brand-layers on top of competing brands (“bad-brands” or “babrands” for short) so that their employees and stakeholders are slowly choked (“brandsphyxiation”). This is ideal.
All Public Relations Professionals stick to a strict ethical code and take an oath on their first day of Public Relations to Never Create An Anti-Brand. An Anti-Brand is a brand that actively rejects its host (“reverse-trending”), creating a situation in which the consumer (“trend-vestibule”) will never purchase or use an object again.
Any Public Relations Professional caught creating an Anti-Brand shall permanently lose their rights to relate to the public, publicly relate, or commit public relations.
A Public Relations professional caught attempting to create an anti-brand must be apprehended at all costs, and only higher-tiered Public Relations Professionals (“trend-immortals”) should approach an Anti-Brand.
This is the very dream of all Public Relations — to have the brand-consumer scoff on the trend — to trend-scoff. This is very different from scoffing at a trend, which makes no grammatical sense. Trend Immortals can create trend-scoffing of brands that do not actually exist, but this is strictly illegal.
Nobody in Public Relations has seen a teen in at least forty years, leading many thought priests (or “thought blenders”) to think that teens have never existed. However, teens are said to make up 99.8% of all consumer purchasing (“trend-curdling”) The first teen was allegedly seen in the wild by P.T. Barnum on the date of his 10th birthday in 1821. With tough, leathery skin and the ability to scale most surfaces, teens cannot conceive trends, only brands.
Memes are a form of energy from the creator of Public Relations (“The Brand-God”). All Public Relations Professionals must be careful around the chaotic substance of Memes. In this time, the most precious substance in the universe are Memes. The Memes extend life. The Memes expand consciousness. The Memes are viral to blogging (“brand-travel”). The Public Relations Society and its navigators (who the Memes have mutated over 4,000 years) use the Memes, which gives them the ability to fold trends. That is, brand any blog in the universe without trending.
I am happy to conclude all the terms that are necessary to perform Public Relations. Thank you.
Ed Zitron, The Most Important, Influential And Perfect Public Relations Thought Leader