January 14, 2016
I feel so weird writing 2016. Anyways, we are in the year 2016, Happy New Years! I’m about two weeks, late. I am sorry, but it’s never to late to celebrate a new year, right? HA Didn’t think so! Umm, hmmmm about two weeks into this ye-yet fabulous year and it’s starting pretty much the same way 2015 ended. I don’t want to say there’s no point to make a New Years resolution because there is a point, most definitely! A new year, a new you! hella yeah! I’ll say. But I didn’t make a 2016 resolution. I’ve always been the one to not follow through with my resolutions so I didn’t make one this year. If I were to make one, it would be to turn down all the drugs in my life, turn my backs on all my so called douchebag wanna-be friends, I have right now, and sail off to the Bahamas in a banana boat alone, shave my head and become a reincarnate soul. Psh, there’s no way in HEAVEN I would be able to pull that off. So I say “fuck a New Years resolution” and continue with “me” life. So anywho, I have this little “personality/attitude” that gets me in a lot of trouble. It’s a “I am going to do what I want” attitude, and literally do what I want, regardless of what happens. LITERALLY. I cannot be any more blunt. So since I have no family members, I have to get things I need, myself, and only myself. I steal. Great, one secret is out. [ The mothafucking Kat is OUT the bag! Haha. I’m very ashamed though. Quite embarrassed. ] I steal, and I get drugs. I need them. This drug is a tough one too. There’s no way of quiting, OH God, no, health wise & mentally. I need my drugs to communicate with LIFE. I sound so immature, ugh and I hate it, trust me. No one knows, I use. Just you and me. I’ve been using for 3 years. It’s a habitual lifestyle I’ve adapted, I was happy in the beginning, but now I need it just to wake up, it’s not so pleasant, anymore. He runs my life. I’m writing tonight this forum of course, because I feel, well, not so complete. I can’t sleep, basically. I can’t even get into bed because I know I’m going to sit there with this tingly-edgy feeling that won’t go away because I can’t get to that feeling I need to be at to fall asleep. Fuck I hope that makes sense. It’s a tough feeling? It hard to explain. When everything is just right, it’s right. Your feeling good enough to lay down and dose off? Your body feels soft & relaxed, there is no edgy feeling as if your still thinking about a situation that happened between you and a coworker AT WORK earlier that morning! that wasn’t quite settled. YEAH, That’s how I felt, lieing there on the bathroom floor. The goddamn worst! I’ve poked the same vein way too many times, I couldn’t get relaxed. No matter how much I used. It’s been 4 hours. Of using AND laying here. My consciousness self has been long gone. My physical body is just left there to die, basically. While my adventurous soul is off in EVERYTHING IS RIGHT land! [Let your imagination] take you AWAY!
That’s where my soul went♥️
. Back to reality. Back to my consciousness state of mind/ and physical body — I hate these nights, man. I don’t know what to do. I’ve managed to get my phone and write, but this isn’t doing much right now. I need SLEEP! I’ve went through all of my social networks accounts, they’re just FUCKING LAME, damn, “social networks.” I’m reading a new book, it’s called “Conversations w/ God” “A uncommon dialogue” it’s pretty funny, I enjoy reading it a lot, my boyfriend bought it for me. I’m so thankful. I read enough of that until I couldn’t read anymore. My boyfriend fell asleep a llllloooonng time ago! [ He is used to it ] But I’m just up.
A few moments on my digital phone time clock. 2:58am —
From just writing and expressing my feelings in this blog I am starting to feel a little less — edgy? I’ll say about an hour later, Not so tingly, anymore. I swear my higher power works in mysterious. Ways. *ssssssigggh and that’s why I started this blog. It’s a diary-account. Yes, not for people to follow. But for people to know, Yes, I am out here in this world living, still. And I’m sharing my story with you. Literally as it happens.