Here i am. At the very bottom, as i’ve always feared. I have no job, my last cash is about to vanish (literally, because today i’m going to the cinema and seriously want to have a drink or two). I am living with my parents again, they’ve just moved in. I already can’t find most of my stuff, i’am locked in my room, which looks more like some museum or theatre stock house than a living space. Cat’s toilet is empty again, i mean, no cat litter, because they think it’s unclean. Yeah, sure. Oh, by the way, i’m 28 and soon turning 29, just in a month or so. I am single for life, have never been into the relationship, but that’s just a cherry on the top for other people, because i’m in that stage already, when you don’t want anyone to break your routine. Last year i’ve quitted my job to become a writer, and no-one bothered to publish my single, quite miserable novel. The novel, that i’ve finished last summer, by the way. It took mу half a year just to edit it. After realizing that my chances to being published were low (like it was something unique), i spent my last money on school for online assistants, people, who do technical tasks for info-buisnessmen (these guys sell virtual goods, like e-books, courses, marathons, coaching etc, or they can be bloggers, writers). I cannot really explain why i did it. I guess i just saw the advertisement and figured it would be an easy way to get some income. In two months i can say — it is not. After a month of really hard and nervous work i quitted (i’m good at this, yes). Oh, and i have two credit card, which are empty right now, so i am in debt (won’t mention numbers, but it’s big, trust me).
So here i am. I am not sick and not starving. I am not homeless. I want to be clear here, so that no one pities me more than needed (if needed at all). And i am not really complaining. I know exactly why i am here and how i got here (though i may sometimes wonder how did i manage to spend all that money, but that’s irrelevant). If someone is to blame, it’s me. But i don’t want to blame. I’ve started writing this to analyze my position and my feelings. When the year started, i was so much afraid to get in debt again and to have no job, and now look at me, i am here. These days i sometimes feel panic, it’s like hard rock somewhere in my throat or a hand, that squeezes my heart and other innards. At the moments like these i am scared as hell. How am i going to get out of this? For the last two months i’ve fought a battle for every minimum payment required for my cards, i literally lived from one due to another, and my methods were… unclean. I’m not saying i robbed someone, but still. Clean is when you earn money for youк work and pay off your bills. Unclean is when you sell you stuff to pay them off. Last time i sold my gold. People sell gold when they are really in need, and i sold it because i have no offline-job and don’t want to look for it. This feels unclean.
Again, i feel like i’ve hit the bottom. They say when you are down, you have only one way — up.