Good Questions
Transcript: http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/good-questions
I came across this video on my Facebook feed a couple of days ago and found it to be inspiring and relevant not only in the context of life but also in the context of relationships. In his 2016 commencement speech at Harvard Graduate School of Education, Dean James Ryan suggests that “there are five truly essential questions that you should regularly ask yourself and others.” He adds, “If you get in the habit of asking these questions, you have a very good chance of being both successful and happy, and you will be in a good position to answer “I did” to the bonus question at the end.”
I believe if you ask these questions in your relationships, there is a very good chance of being both successful and happy in your relationships also.
1.) Wait, what?
Human communication is full of ambiguities, and more so in non-monogamous relationships. In fact, we talk about tolerance to ambiguity as one of the important factors in being successful in non-monogamous relationships. Ambiguity is inevitable and it can be maddening and cause us to jump to conclusions that may not be accurate. So, next time you are battling with the unknown — Stop! Take a minute and kindly seek clarification before jumping to negative conclusions.
2.) I wonder why/if…?
Curiosity is the antidote to conflict and the path to resolution. In those moments when you feel yourself get defensive, find the clarity to take a sidestep into curiosity. Admittedly this is akin to Jedi mind control and requires much self awareness and practice but the payoff is mastery of peace and harmony. Next time, when you catch yourself get reflexively defensive as a reaction to a situation with your partner, tap into the Force and ask, “I wonder why they are being this way” and “I wonder if there is anything I can do to elevate the situation and create an atmosphere for discussion and resolution?”
3.) Couldn’t we at least…?
When resolution seems so far and you are gridlocked in an argument or dealing with complex issues, tackling things in small bites can get us to some consensus. And from there we can have progress. My dear friend and metamour Beth Pelletier says “people look at the last step when they should be looking at the first.” Even in conflict, seek commonality first.
4.) How can I help?
It is often our instinct to help, sooth, problem solve… for our loved ones. Although our intentions are in the right place, they may not be in line with the needs of our partner(s). When your partner(s) is struggling, in distress, opening up to you, ranting at you, upset, working towards something… approach them with humility in the knowledge that you do not, cannot have all the answers. State your desire to help and ask for direction.
5.) What truly matters?
Sometimes we lose track of why we are in a relationships and the values that govern our relationships and get stuck in mundane disagreements which then escalate. When you find yourself adamantly defending an idea or sticking to one side of the argument — Pause! Ask yourself, “What really matters here? Do I need to be right at that moment or do I want to advocate for harmony.”
Dean Ryan says, “If you ask these questions regularly, especially the last one, you will be in a great position to answer the bonus question, which is, at the end of the day, the most important question you’ll ever face.”
The bonus question he talks of can be simply modified for the context of relationships: “And did you get what you wanted out of your relationship, even so?” The “even so” part reminds us that no person or relationship is perfect. Pain, adversity and disappointment are a part of relationships as much as they are part of life. This, however, does not limit joy and fulfillment in our romantic unions. It simply reminds us to embrace the hardship and seek joy and satisfaction regardless.
If you ask these five questions regularly in your relationships, especially at times of conflict, with a bit of luck, when the time comes to answer the bonus question — “And did you get what you wanted out of your relationship, even so?” — you can, with your hand on your heart, say “hell yes!”