Overwhelmed teacher signed off with Work Related Stress: What do I do next?
Hitting the wall
It took realising I was actually wishing to catch Covid from my husband as it was preferable to going into work to wake me up. Wake me up with sheer panic that this was my life, my one chance and here I was living with a situation and ‘just getting on with it’ without acknowledging just how miserable I was. Whilst I was waiting for my PCR results (legitimate time off that I had longed for) I phoned the doctors. Unable to get through on the first day, by the second I had already persuaded myself that I was ok really and just the illness had made things seem worse. Of course I could cope, I only worked two days a week this academic year for goodness sake! Get a grip woman! (I had reduced my hours and my life, as it made finances so tight, to try and find that ‘balance’ but I clearly hadn’t found it)
A blubbing mess
Once I got to speak to a receptionist, the strong voice in my head that had been practising the words didn’t exit my mouth. I literally went to pieces, couldn’t get the words out, a sobbing, blubbing, snotty mess. I waited for a call back from a doctor. Again, telling myself I was fine, now I’d had a good cry, I’d talk to the doctor but once over the physical illness I would pick myself up and carry on like normal. Except I didn’t. The doctor asked me how long I had been feeling like this and I realised I had felt exactly the same prior to lockdown. I had been wishing for schools to close so that I could breathe, I felt like all my Christmases had come at once when BoJo said I didn’t have to go to work the next day! He signed me off for two weeks and panic set in immediately. The pressure to do something with the two weeks, I had to make a decision. Everything felt so big, so overwhelming, the pressure to use the time wisely and make choices was huge but where did I start? Well, my body and how the virus hit me took over. I wasn’t capable of much so for once I took the sign from that which is greater than myself and stopped and allowed myself to ‘just’ be ill. I put the focus on getting better physically from the virus, sick of feeling guilty that I was genuinely ill. That in itself progress and a step in the right direction.
I still can’t breathe
I thought that getting signed off would make a difference, that those two weeks to breathe was all that I needed. However, I found that the anxiety began to rise after about a week that the end was nigh and I would have to go back and nothing had changed. The doctor had said I could phone again but I was even scared to do that. I felt paralysed with the fear, fear to phone, fear to go back, fear that I wasn’t using my time constructively. Any contact from work, however well intentioned, filled me with anxiety, I just wanted to be left alone to work things out without more pressure. In the end, the dread of going back without resolving anything overrode the panic of phoning the doctors again. Again, I found myself listening to the hold music thinking I was fine, I’d blown it out of all proportion, it was all in my head and then when I actually had to speak I crumbled again. I was floored. She signed me off for four weeks which she advised took me to the end of half term. I didn’t even know. I had lost all concept of time outside of this darkness. The date resonated though, my note ended 31st October. Halloween to many but the date for teachers in England to resign if they wished to leave at Christmas. The option was there to reassess when the time came but personally I took that date as a sign. A target to aim for and to claim my life back.
Panic not to waste it
I was reminded of advice from years before when I was using gentle methods to support my baby to sleep in their cot without me. Something along the lines of “no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes, don’t give up or all of the hard work and crying that has gone before will be a waste and you will be in the same position as you were before you started”. I didn’t know what to do but I knew I wasn’t going to let this chance to sort it go.
Escape plan
Looking back, I recognise my escape plan was already underway by the time I hit the wall. I had hoped that just by having one I would save myself before it got to that stage. I was partway through adding another qualification to my skillset that would enable me to support others. I was already using strategies often suggested to help, gratitude, reiki, time outdoors etc. Whilst they weren’t enough for me; the established gratitude practice enabled me to easily be grateful for the virus (even though that in itself was painful) and I am grateful for that black time because it opened my eyes to the fact that I was not prepared to live with the pain and discomfort any longer. I could no longer live that life. Once that choice was made, I was on the way up.
You are not alone
Once I felt physically capable, I started to put into practice all that I had learnt over the years and would encourage others to do. A huge part of my breakthrough was allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable. Whilst I was often the person others would turn to for support, I had always tried to battle on and sort my own issues myself. I kept things in, fighting my personal battles alone, fiercely independent. It was my EFT training (Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping) that had begun to open me up. I always knew bottling things up wasn’t good for me but had never found ‘just talking about it’ did anything constructive for me. As I started to release past traumas with EFT I also started to acknowledge that I could ask for help. I was able to explore limiting beliefs and negative patterns in my life in my sessions with other EFT practitioners and I began to respond rather than react and felt able to make decisions from a place of calm. I was evolving into a much stronger person and felt able to take control of my life.
Finding support
Another huge support was a Facebook group I stumbled upon, ‘Life After Teaching-Exit the Classroom and Thrive’. It can be hard to read the posts on that group. At the time I felt heard and there was some comfort in knowing other people felt the same as I did. The support offered by the founders and administrators in that group is immense and has literally saved lives. Now I am no longer in the grip of anxiety, I can feel a physical ache in my chest when I read posts on there as I yearn for people to navigate their way through like I was able to. If you have fallen out of love with teaching then the ‘Pit Pony’ video on that page and on YouTube is a fabulous resource to help envisage an escape when everything feels insurmountable. The journey to this painful place was a difficult and lonely one. There was absolutely no need to try and figure it out all by myself and yet for years I did. Please learn from my mistake and enlist the help or support of a therapist, counsellor or another professional. By the time we have reached the stage of being signed off we often have complex issues that we simply cannot unpick alone. In addition, we are so consumed by the fear and overwhelm, and we don’t have enough objective distance to see the woods for the trees.
(Pit Pony Video) https://youtu.be/E8d81Frn6vo
Life After Teaching — Exit the Classroom and Thrive | Facebook
Invest in you
As teachers we often put the needs of others before ourselves. Our to do lists rarely have our own priorities at the top and we become used to putting even our most basic needs to the bottom of the pile (going to the toilet is a luxury!) There comes a point though where a choice has to be made. Invest in yourself, seek help and support before the choice is taken away from you and your body takes over when you are pushed to the limit. Eventually, if emotional issues remain unresolved there is a high chance that it could result in health issues. If you are already at the point of being signed off, suggestions such as a yoga class, scheduled down time that is non-negotiable, walks in nature, may seem too small to solve the depth and breadth of the problem. I definitely needed more or I would have merely been finding another way to mask the problem/ adding something else to my to do list to feel frustrated and guilty about. Maybe, had I acted sooner, I could have found the balance within the role but I chose to take a different route once I had reduced the overwhelm and could make a considered decision from a new found place of strength not desperation and fear.
Seeking help
Taking the step to seek help and face it rather than bury it can feel huge. It could possibly be the best first step you ever take though. Once on that path, you have support, you are no longer isolated and alone with the dread and anxiety. You are taking action towards gaining clarity and making empowered decisions. Leaving behind that all consuming blackness that has surrounded you for so long you can’t even imagine there is another way. You may be able to get a referral from the doctors for some free counselling sessions. There is the education helpline support helpline 0800 562 561. I chose to invest in myself at a time when I felt I couldn’t really afford to. Now I realise it was THE best money I have ever spent. It hadn’t just been a couple of years that I had been struggling and the benefits of using my choice of Emotional Freedom Technique have been life changing. I almost don’t recognise myself or maybe I have fulfilled the old cliché and found myself again! If you are inclined to try EFT I would absolutely relish the opportunity to share it with you and support you on your journey to reclaiming your life. I would be happy to have a call to talk through options and explain further. Find me on Facebook @eftrebeccamartin or book a call at https://calendly.com/eftrebeccamartin
