Movie in Minutes

This week’s movie is:



Suicide Squad

Amanda Waller is an angry, perennially-constipated and controlling sub-urban housewife who secretly works for the government and whose daughter was kidnapped by crazy psychopaths in ‘Prisoners’ which explains her fascination for crazy psychopaths.

Scene shifts to a room with a lot of military and government officials sitting in a dimly lit room watching a baby riding a dog on a huge plasma screen.

A collective noise of ‘awwww’ resonates across the room as the video ends. Two officials named Jim and Tim, high five each other.

Enters Amanda.

Amanda - ‘Aight boys. Listen up. I got this brilliant plan. Remember all those bad guys DC comics created through all these years and are the worst of the worst?’

All the officials (together) - ‘YEAH.’

Amanda - ‘And how Batman, Flash and other superheroes busted their respective asses to get these guys incarcerated?’

All the officials (in unison. This time even louder) - ‘YEAAAH.’

Amanda - ‘Remember how most of them are crazy psychopaths, assassins who’d kill without a thought for money, child murderers and oh.. oh… there is this really powerful witch who happens to be older than Jesus and is supposedly a part-time exotic dancer, do you remember?’

Amanda’s eyes glimmer with dance madness as she finishes her sentence.

All the officials (not so sure this time) - ‘Uh… ye..ah.’

Amanda - ‘Also, let’s not forget — some of them have really dangerous associates who are still on the run (read the Joker), and are constantly trying to flee these guys out of prison.’

Official named Tim - ‘But didn’t Batman catch him in The Dark Kni….’

Another slightly smarter and higher ranking military official named Jim, who has watched all the movies in his free time, interrupts him - ‘Tim… Tim… Different franchise…’

Tim - ‘Ah! Right.’ He fist pumps Jim.

Amanda - ‘What if we gather all these malefactors together in one room and force them to do things for us. See, I have got these fancy nano-gadgets that we can inject into their bodies which will help us control them and blow them up in pieces if they do not consent.’

Amanda is not blinking.

Amanda had not blinked since she entered the room. Her gaze pierces through each person sitting in that room like Deadshot’s bullets.

Jim - ‘But…’

Amanda - ‘Oh come on Jim. It worked on my husband. It’ll work on them. Geez!’.

Jim — ‘Uh…’

Amanda - ‘Come on, you guys. You know how important it is to have backup in case Superman goes rogue.’

Tim — ‘Yeah. But didn’t Batman already have it figured out in the-movie-that-must-not-be-named.’

Amanda — ‘Yeaaah… But.. um… these guys are also really funny, with a good punch line for every situation and totally not gloomy and brooding all the time. And joker’s girlfriend wears really scantily and talks only in sexual double entendre. People would love her.’

A lot of men shift in their places on the mention of Joker’s girlfriend.

Jim — ‘But these guys are killers.’

Amanda (proudly) - ‘Yes. All of them.’

Jim - ‘And we have them jailed?’

Amanda - ‘In the deepest darkest hole possible.’

Jim - ‘And they hate us?’

Amanda — ‘More than Bellatrix hated the mudbloods.’

Jim - ‘And if given a chance, they will kill us all?’

Amanda - ‘I’ll be surprised if they don’t.’

Jim - ‘And you want to control them using nano-gadgets. If Hollywood has taught us anything -it’s that gadgets can be reprogrammed or defused and should never be trusted on. And that witch you mentioned — who seems to be really powerful and whose powers we really don’t understand much about and might have a partner out there like a brother or something who can single handedly turn half the population of this city into faceless, gun-slingling monsters or some such and use them against us. Oh… and the CGI alligator who talks like a gangsta rapper and eats security guards, what of him? Also, let’s not forget that the guy in-charge of this team is also doing the dirty to witch’s possessee. And this looks like the perfect opportunity for Joker to strike and take his girlfriend away. Don’t you think?’

All the men who shifted in their places on the mention of Joker’s girlfriend before, shift on their seats again.

Tim - ‘That girl possessed by the witch - I swear, she has Viktor Krum’s eyebrows.’

Amanda - ‘Oh don’t you be so paranoid Jimmy. Joker is fun. And he’s NOT going to be there for long. Just a clever marketing tactic. Plus, some of them are not that bad. Like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.’

Jim — ‘I don’t know. After Earth changed my opinion of him.’

Amanda makes the ‘please, Daddy’ face.

Jim - ‘Fine. What the hell!! Go form your “suicide squad”.’

Tim turns to Jim and says — ‘I hear Khal Drogo is Aquaman.’

Jim — ‘Shhhhh… We don’t talk about that here.’

A lot of blasts, gunfire, deaths and a really sensual witch dance later.

Amanda — ‘Told ya. It would be fun.’

Tim (unimpressed with Amanda) — ‘Hey guys. Stranger Things is up. Right now.’ Tim switches the plasma screen on. Everybody’s attention turns to the plasma screen.

Amanda — ‘But wasn’t this fun? All the bad guys coming together to fight a greater evil. Who needs superheroes now? Right guys?’

Amanda — ‘Guys???’

Amanda blinks. Finally. Yet no one responds back.

Amanda — ‘Stupid. Netflix’.

Amanda walks out of the room dejectedly.

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