He throws a glance and looks away immediately.
Yes, you, over there. With that… whatever kids call it these days!
I wave my hands furiously to get his attention. And I get it, along with a glassful of bewilderment and a pinch of perplexity. Nevertheless, in my best Seth Mcfarlane voice -
Ahem ahem. Dearest creature of creation.
His eyebrows react.
Do you feel lonely? Not lost-on-a-different-planet-like-Matt-Damon-in-The-Martian kind of lonely but I-wish-I-were-that-guy kind of lonely?
He knows what I am talkin’ about. I take a step towards him.
Does your crush constantly show her disappointment in you with observations like “You have changed!” when, in reality, you have been sporting that same t-shirt that says “I give in to beer pressure” for the past one week?
He is nodding his head in agreement now. Another step.
Do you get frequent fits of delusions in which you are a chicken and this world is trying to catch you and cook a big mac out of you?
He consults himself for a while on this one but agrees to it eventually. Meanwhile, I glide all the way and sit next to him.
Do you secretly enjoy singing along to Teardrops on My Guitar by Taylor Swift loudly but stealthily shift to Dr. Dre’s Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, when your roommate walks in?
Shakes his head vehemently in disagreement.
Oh! well… Neither do I… He he….
(some more awkward silence)
ahem ahem! Do you think…. Oh my God! What’s that?
I point towards his chest with my right hand’s forefinger almost touching it. He bends his head down only to get hit by the cruel realization that his nose has been played into getting…..FLICKKKKKKKED!!!
dramatic music inspired from the Indian tv soaps from the 2000s plays in the background*
(dheem tana na na na na…de re na de re na nana…. x 2)
One of the most famously notorious, riveting, blood-tingling and nose-breaking sport in the known universe. Played by more than one hundred and a fifty million planets across space and time and with the record of highest casualties in the modern sporting history second only to politics but only because of it’s strict on-field rules and great ethics among it’s players.
This sport finds it’s roots in Snooter — a way to show disagreements and settle disputes by the nosy people of Adenoidzia, a small planet on the outer rim of the Schnozmia galaxy, who were eventually sneezed out of existence, unsurprisingly, because they were nosy, by the galactic anti-nosy allies whose armies landed on Adenoidzia on one fine summer day and hacked all their noses out of their faces. While this ended the chapter of Adenoidzians, Snooter sticked around — just like nose goo does on your finger after a fresh bout of nose-picking.
While there are a hundred different versions of Nose Flicking which are played across galaxies because, let’s face it, not every species have noses to flick around with (and therefore, they flick… whatever they feel like), it’s the Universal Nose Flicking Association with which rests the responsibility to regulate and propagandize the sport using whatever means necessary.. mostly hot women with perfect noses who cry out sensuously on television (yes, it’s a universal phenomena and not just an idiot box as people on certain planets may call it) that a perfect man must know how to flick his woman’s nose.
Nas Proboscis, the greatest living player of the sport who has 500 golden snots to his name has earned the last 100 with his 5th left tentacle, as his strongest tentacle, 11th from right, was injured in a bar fight.
“It wasn’t a big deal initially. They said a few things. I said a few. A few noses were getting casually flicked when someone questioned my backhand-double-see-saw-dance-around-the-moon-while-you-moon move as derogatory towards certain ethnic groups and next thing I know, I was in the hospital with people from all these sponsor companies and black market betting groups shaking their heads around me in disappointment”, said Nas in one of his interviews. “I had to make a comeback. It was either that or living the rest of my life in the EffUp mines of EffedUpitor.”
Fame didn’t come so easily to Nas, though. While experts of the game keep ranting about how natural his flicking action is in the pre and post game discussions, Nas personally believes that it’s all because of the years of training he had gone through and the consistent bickering from his head coach, Extraneus, who is one of the last living descendants and probably the only one to make it to prime time television, from the planet of Adenoidzia.
Extraneus claims to have escaped the attack by the galactic anti-nosy allies, which ended life on his planet, along with his family and lived in exile for a while in the deserts of Besahara. His father, who was a nose-build trainer died of poverty and constant nose flicking from his wife who was famous for her nose flicking ways back on Adenoidzia. While Extraneus was lucky to have found a foster family who supported him in following his passion, it was only after Nas appointed him as his personal trainer after another bar fight in which Extraneus saved his nose by flicking away 5 forefinger-armed men that he found real fame and lots of sexual encounters.
While Nas is currently preparing for the Universal Nose Flicking tournament to be held next year in 1967 which sounds weird because it will be the first official tournament to be held in the past using time travel. The organizers had a real tough time arranging this whole thing as there were growing concerns about deviation in the time line and messing up with the present but those concerns were thrown out of the window when a lot of money was moved overnight across various bank accounts and when a few hot women were sent into the past to demonstrate how sexy and manly it is to flick around, whether it’s someone’s nose or the whole bloody space-time continuum.
Nas feels it will be a great feather in his cap if he wins a nose flicking tournament even before he was born. What do you think about it? Bray your thoughts in less than 140 words at the top of your voice while jumping on your rooftops waving your hands the way a butterfly flutters and one of our representatives will find you and flick your nose.