
Miss TAKEN
The blog of The Trailer of the Book That May or May Not Get Written!!
(IMAGINE DARKNESS)
(A DEEP AND RICH BARITONE VOICE SPEAKS)
In a world.
Divided by darkness.
Where evil runs amok.
Where the difference between life and death is advanced mathematics.
Where people yearn to fight for their country.
But only on social media.
One man.
Decides to take it easy for a night.
And goes to a pub.
With… another man.
From the vanilla writer who brought you “That’s Not a Dhaba! Get Your Facts Right! You Stupid Bitch”
and “It’s Rajasthan, You Know Why! You Stupid Bitch”
This summer.
(THE DEEP AND RICH BARITONE VOICE STOPS)
(YOU HEAR MUSIC RISING IN THE BACKGROUND)
…THE CLUB ISN’T THE BEST PLACE TO FIND A LOVER SO THE BAR IS WHERE I GO…
“WHAAAAT?” yells a man, in his late 20s, as he pretends to enjoy Ed Sheeran. You can tell that he is not the protagonist of this story. Let’s call him S. Something about him is off. It’s his fedora hat with a stitched-on peacock’s feather that tilts to a side. Not something you usually wear to a pub on a Saturday night in India or anywhere unless you are a tour guide outside Taj Mahal and the business is not what it used to be.
His friend, another man in his late 20s. You look at him and in that very instant you know he’s the best bet for your money. A handsome yet self-doubting underdog who will come of age by the time we reach the climax. Let’s call him P.
“IS-THIS-YOUR-IDEA-OF-TAKING-IT-EASY?” P tries to send his message across to S again and strains his vocal chords in the process. You can tell that the music is really loud because P and S are sitting next to each other on adjacent bar stools.
“YEAH-THE-SONG-IS-KIND-OF-SLEAZY”, S replies.
P shows signs of frustration and wants to say something then drops the idea altogether and sips his beer instead.
You realize that you have done this too. Haven’t you? It’s Saturday, the month has just started, your smartphone notifies you that your salary account has rallied out of the coma you put it in during last month’s online shopping spree. Let the revelry begin. Next thing you know, you’re sitting on a bar stool with your friend’s off-the-wall dressing sensibilities embarrassing the middle class upbringing out of you.
…DRINKING FAST AND THEN WE TALK SLOW…
“OH. LOOK. WOMEN”, yells S pointing at the group of women sitting at a table across the dance floor on the other end of the bar. P shrugs because he is a realist. S smirks like he learned it from the Devil himself.
“NO”, mouths P shaking his head in disagreement.
“YES”, mouths S, his eyes wide with excitement, head bobbing decisively, as he shifts off his bar stool and starts moving away from P.
“DON’T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME”, yells P annoyingly.
S walks away from him.
“BUT DON’T YOU DARE ENTER THAT DANCE FLOOR”, yells P warningly.
S enters the dance floor.
“BUT DON’T YOU DARE CROSS THE DANCE FLOOR AND ENTER THE OTHER END OF THE PUB”, yells P a bit less confident of his attempt at stopping S this time.
S crosses the dance floor and enters the other end of the pub.
“I AM GOING TO STOP YELLING, YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR ME ANYWAY”, yells P, this time to himself.
He looks around hoping someone acknowledges his disappointment with a smile. Preferably, that girl sitting in the corner watching him beady-eyed, half her face covered by the mug full of beer she is gulping down without even a blink.
Their eyes meet.
…TAKE MY HAND, STOP, PUT VAN THE MAN ON THE JUKEBOX, AND THEN WE START TO DANCE…
She plants the mug on the table with a thud and gets up. She walks up to him all the while never losing the eye contact. Before P could react she pulls her out of the pub and a slap of cold and fresh breeze brings the life back on P’s face along with the ability of hearing.
(MUSIC PAUSES FOR YOU… THE READER. ITS STILL GOING ON IN THE PUB)
“Hi”, says she.
“Hey there”. It’s all he could say. He has always dreamt of a moment like this. Haven’t we all? But planning a trip to Goa is one thing and chilling on the silver sand beaches of Goa sipping beer at a ridiculously lower price is just an urban legend.
“I am Taken”, says she. P jumps back a little like a Brahmin who accidentally eats chicken on a Tuesday.
“Oh”, says he dejectedly.
“No.. I mean my name is Taken”, she clarifies. That brings a ray of hope and a lot of follow up questions in P’s mind.
“Oh… I am P”, says P.
“I know”, says she with a smile.
P’s chest implodes out of ecstasy due to the sheer joy of being recognized by a girl.
If smiles kill, she must be a mass murderer, thinks P.
P is staring down at Taken’s pretty face. Taken is smiling up at P’s boyish charm. Around them the whole world is moving colorlessly at a dull pace.
(IMAGINE DARKNESS… AGAIN)
(SWEET, CUDDLE INDUCING, ROMANTIC MUSIC BEGINS)
P and Taken are walking down the huge courtyard outside the pub towards the parking lot as S follows in a completely inebriated state with his peacock feathered hat tilted to one side in a roguish fashion.
“I am not from around here”, says she.
“Me neither. I am from this place up north…”, says P but Taken interrupts, “No. I mean… I am not from this planet. Your planet. I am…” this time P interrupts her and slaps himself really hard. His eyes start to water out of pain. He turns to her again with a smile through those watery eyes and says, “Sorry. The beer is kicking in. So you are from, did you say Delhi?”
She shakes her head in frustration. She knows its not going to work this way. She slips her hand into her purse and a click sound ensues.
(SWEET, CUDDLE INDUCING, ROMANTIC MUSIC ENDS)
(DRAMATIC AND FUNKY FUTURISTIC MUSIC HINTING THAT THE STORY IS SCIENCE FICTION BEGINS)
P feels as if lightening has struck him but without any of the deadly repercussions. He feels floaty and gravity no longer stays to be the same powerful force to him as it used to be all these years. He blames it to the six pints of beer he gulped down in quick succession earlier that evening and decides to close his eyes and go unconscious because if life has taught him anything its that when you open your eyes after a good bout of unconsciousness — things always get better…ish.
(DRAMATIC AND FUNKY FUTURISTIC MUSIC HINTING THAT THE STORY IS SCIENCE FICTION ENDS)
(IMAGINE DARKNESS… JUST ONE MORE TIME… PROMISE)
P wakes up to find S lying upside down on a futuristic ergonomic chair. Taken is standing next to a giant screen that has a lot of red dots blinking on it.
“Where am I?” murmurs S, his eyes half shut.
“You’re on my space ship. We are moving away from your galaxy”, says Taken like there is nothing unusual about that.
S passes out again at the mention of space ship and galaxy.
He wakes up again this time facing P who is sitting on the post modern ergonomic chair, sipping juice out of a fancy glass.
“Dude, I had the weirdest dream”, says S putting in all his effort to get up.
“We are still in the space ship, broh. Its not a dream. There is a robot that makes this amazing mocktail”, says P nonchalantly.
S loses balance and goes unconscious again as Taken comes walking in to check on him.
“He’s gone again”, says P, “alcohol is not for everybody”. Taken shakes her head in agreement.
S wakes up after a while and finds himself on a bed in a room with the whitest walls which merge with floor in a smooth curve to give a monolithic effect to the room. P is sitting next to him engrossed in an animated chat with Taken.
“Where am I?”, says S rubbing his eyes.
“Hey buddy. You are up. I want you to meet somebody. She”, says P pointing at Taken, “is Miss Taken.” Taken flashes her best smile at him.
“Mistaken about what?” asks S rubbing his eyes.
“No… she IS Taken”.
“Oh. Congrats. Who is the lucky guy?”, says S half smiling.
“No… her name is Taken. As in, her parents named her Taken”, explains P, a bit embarrassed with his friend’s naivety.
“Oh”, says S, “I think my head hurts.”
“And you won’t believe where we are right now”, says P with a bit more excitement.
“Please don’t tell me that we are in a spaceship that is moving away from our galaxy”.
“We are in a spaceship that is moving away from our galaxy”, shouts P with a jump, “apparently, we are some sort of heroes on their planet. Dude, they have this machine that, like, predicts the future and it showed us saving their planet from annihilation at the hands of an evil force.”
“This is bad”, says S whose head is still spinning. He pukes at P’s feet.
P looks at him with disgust and then assures Taken, “He’ll be fine. Once he’s done puking, he gets his reasoning power back.”
(DARK MENACING MUSIC BEGINS)
A huge jolt to the ship and P, S and Taken scatter around on the floor like legos. Taken gets up and runs towards the main control room but before leaving the room she turns to P and says, “Be careful. You two are important to the universe”, and vanishes into the smoke that’s slowly spreading throughout the ship.
“Dude. Are we really in a spaceship? Is this really happening? How are you so cool about it?” asks S.
“I know, right. I was freaking out too in the beginning. It took me two days to accept my fate. Taken has been really patient with me. Broh, I think I am in love”, says P.
“Two days? How long have I been unconscious?”, asks S, panic lurking out of his face.
“Five.”
“FIIIVEEEE?!!!”
“Uh..huh.”
“SHIIIIIIT”, yells S, “IS THAT WHY I FEEL SO FAMISHED?”. S grabs the banana shaped thing lying on the plate next to his bed and takes a bite and immediately spits it out.
“Oh… You just chewed off half of the communication device. Now we can’t talk to Taken from here.”
“What?? Who keeps such an important piece of gadgetry around people who are not used to getting kidnapped and shipped out of their galaxy within a week’s time?” asks S.
“Let’s go find out what’s happening. She has been away for a while now.”
P and S walk out of the room and jog their way across the Star-Wars-y kind of hallway. Another jolt rocks the ship. P and S bounce around like golf balls and fall on their faces. They hear a scream from the direction of the main control room. P gets up and launches into a sprint as S reluctantly follows.
Main control room is now completely quiet and the ship is stable as ever. There is no sign of any alien life form on that ship. The banana shaped thing lying on the floor is speaking in the voice of Taken.
“P. HELP!!”.
P picks up the device and yells,”Taken. Where are you? What happened?”
“They have me now”
“Who?”
“They are really dangerou….”, her voice cuts off by a shriek.
“Taken? Taken talk to me!”
P hears heavy breathing from the other side.
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money… I don’t even know what kind of currency you deal in btw. I am not from around here, you see. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over years by binge watching science fiction movies. Even the B grade ones. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let Taken go now, that will be the end of it — I will not look for you, I will not pursue you… but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.” finishes P with a sense of pride for finishing that long monologue in one go.
S claps slowly as he knows how difficult it is. They have often practiced movie lines over phone and whatsapp but this is real life. You only get one shot to nail it.
“wegghhhaajjjkknnnnttdddl”, says the heavy breather on the other side and line goes dead.
“What did that thing say?”, asks S.
“I don’t know but I am sure he meant ‘Good luck’”, says P as they both appreciate the awesomeness of that moment.
“What do we do now?”
“We find Taken and take her back from those who took her away from me”. There was grit in P’s voice.
(DARK MENACING MUSIC STOPS)
… I AM IN LOVE WITH THE SHAPE OF YOU…
A montage of breathtaking galactic space ship dogfight scenes and shots of P and S jumping and running for their lives around various planets of this unknown galaxy ensues.
….WE PUSH AND PULL LIKE A MAGNET DO…
“Bro??”, says S.
“Bro!!”, says P.
“You’re my real bro”, says S.
“You’re my real bro too, bro”, says P.
“You’re my energy bro”, says S.
“You are the one who matters bro” says P.
“Matter and energy are the same bro”, says S.
“I know bro”, as P hugs S around a bunch of alien looking people who cheer for them.
…ALTHOUGH MY HEART IS FALLING TOO…
“Watchout!!!!!”, yells S in a random chase sequence.
“Holy shit!!!”, exclaims P in another revelatory scene.
“Hey, you!”, says Taken with P in her arms.
“Hello… Miss Taken”, says P like a gentleman while holding tight to the harness that’s the only thing saving them both from falling into the endless pit below.
… I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR BODY….
(A DEEP AND RICH BARITONE VOICE SPEAKS)
COMING SOON OR MAYBE LATER DEPENDING ON HOW MOTIVATED THE WRITER IS… IN A BOOK STORE NEAR YOU
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