A Taxonomy of Pizzagate

Turn back to late October 2016. Hillary Clinton sat astride a healthy lead in the polls, but the breaking news– yet more wretched EMAILS had surfaced, this time in connection with serial dick-displayer Anthony Weiner– troubled the sleep of liberals nationwide. Comey’s infamous Letter had hit the headlines with all the subtlety of a brick through the window. Lost in all this was news of a deeper malfeasance. The owners of Comet Ping Pong, a pizzeria and event venue in sleepy Chevy Chase, were trafficking children for sex. As details leaked out, the news became ever more gruesome: these children were being tortured. Satanically tortured. The Democrats were involved, at the highest level. Is this where Madeleine McCann went? Was her tiny corpse stuffed in a culvert somewhere in the hills of Maryland?

Of course not. It was all bullshit. But it was sordid bullshit, the kind you love to read. It was a junk food story, a bottomless bag of greasy potato chips you could shove into your maw by the handful. There seemed to be no end to it. They used codes — “Play. Eat. Drink” on the menu became “PED.” Crossed ping-pong paddles represented a butterfly “childlover” logo. Nearby Besta Pizza’s triangular logo, on the other hand, represented “boylovers.” These vile abusers paraded their sick tastes in front of everyone, believing nobody would spot their hidden symbols. Why did they do it? Were they like the Riddler, compelled to leave a clue? Was it an elaborate game of cat-and-mouse with the authorities? Was it religious submission to their vile goat-headed deity?

Once discovered, the pedophiles struck back. Andrew Bogut, center for the struggling Dallas Mavericks, was sidelined with a knee injury. Suspicious! Did he know too much? After all, he had been asking questions on Twitter. Attracting the wrong kind of attention. Brave reporters were smeared as conspiracy theorists for trying to find the truth.

After Donald Trump’s unexpected defeat of Hillary Clinton in the November 2016 election, it seemed like Pizzagate might fade into the background, its purpose served. On December 4th, an otherwise ordinary man from North Carolina stormed into the restaurant with a gun and demanded that the innocent children, held in the maze of tunnels beneath Comet, be freed. Unable to find evidence of children, tunnels, or Satanists, he surrendered to police. Of course, his fellow-travelers immediately denounced him as a crisis actor, perpetrating a false flag to discredit them.

Who still believes in Pizzagate in March 2017? A lot of people, apparently. It’s still there if you go to look for it. You can turn over a rock and find a writhing colony beneath, tiny creatures squirming and squealing about High Priest Clinton and the Podesta brothers’ hanky code. They’re not all on the same page, though. What follows is an attempt to construct a sort of taxonomy of Pizzagate believers. Pizzagate is just about the most 2017 thing imaginable, so I do this to provide future generations further evidence of our complete collapse as a society.

The MAGA Men (pizzostium trumpensis)

This is the “entry tier” for Pizzagate. They may actually believe, or not, but they see Pizzagate mostly in political terms: as a way to bring down their hated foes. They would support any conspiracy theory that cast their political enemies in a bad light. If Alex Jones said that Hillary Clinton eats dog turds these guys would scrutinize thousands of photos to find a faint brown smudge around her mouth. If Pizzagate implicated Trump or Alex Jones, they would dismiss it as “fake news” and disregard it entirely.

The Tinfoil Brigade (pizzostium conspirens)

These guys believe in Pizzagate only because it is a subset of “every conspiracy theory ever.” They aren’t sure if John Podesta is a Satanist because he was poisoned by chemtrails or if he is paying back his Dark Master for helping assassinate JFK. They might lean right (or even left) but they tend to believe in conspiracy theories regardless of who they implicate. The ones that focus on Pizzagate to the exclusion of all else might be on the verge of pupation to the next stage.

The Full-timers (pizzostium obsessus)

At this point the Pizzagater has wholly dedicated themself to their craft. They have had The Talk with Pizzagate and are ready to make this relationship exclusive. Depending on what stage they occupied previously there may be traces of their former affiliation — a shoutout to chemtrails, or a reference to the alt-right — but they’re all about Pizzagate, all the time. In a way they have risen above petty factional concerns and are wholly devoted to the cause of rescuing those poor, lost children from the Satanic talons of the Podestas.

The Damaged (pizzostium derangius)

They have it hard. Oh, it’s so hard. Waking up every morning, knowing that so many innocent children are being abused… it takes a toll on you. It eats at you. You can try to smile and act normal, but it’s just a facade. At this level, the Pizzagater is not excited at the prospect of exposing the evils of the Democrats, or at busting the global conspiracy. They’re weary. They just want to save the children. They may be less dedicated than full-timers, but their emotional affect is what sets them apart.

David Seaman (pizzostium cumfartia)

lol this fucking guy