HOW TO BE A COMPLETE FUCKING LOSER

A guide for successful people

Tired of being so dam successful? Manifesting your dreams comes all too easily for you? You want to be a complete fucking loser? Stick around and listen to old Eggnog Jones — I got you. Just follow these five simple steps :

Step 1 — Quit your job — give no warning and do not serve notice. Quit impulsively, ideally over the smallest of issues. Do not seek further employment elsewhere. Go to your room immediately to think about the greater mysteries of life.

Step 2 — Purchase a large amount of marijuana with your last paycheck. This will help you think about the mysteries. Be sure to make it last. When times get tough, think of yourself as Brad Pitt in True Romance.

Step 3 — Take things one day at a time. This way you never really have to do anything. Just let the day slip away and then do the same tomorrow. Never think about the future — this is crucial. Never think of ways to actively improve your life. You’ll never be a loser if you ever do that.

Step 4 — Pursue a creative longing. This is almost guaranteed to fail, but for safety be sure to do this in a town that is already over-saturated with creative and liberated people. You can express yourself here with no risk of success. It doesn’t matter how good you get, so it’s okay to spend a lot of time pursuing this longing and get really good. You will still lose.

Step 5 — Listen to your inner voice. This guy wants to fuck you over so bad. Just do everything he says and you will fail.

Thanks for reading