How I learned to trust again and let go
When I was a kid I used to trust anyone I meet at the “First Hello” I used to give them all my life details, who I love, what I do, what I like, what I dislike, you name it! I used to care a lot about what my image, my father always told me: “Bayye Nehna Awedem, Kel el ness btehteremna, hfaz sitna bayn el 3alam” in English:: “Father we are good people, Everyone respects us, protect our reputation between people”. But I never understood back then what he meant exactly, what does“good” mean? What does “Protect Our Reputation means?”, so I took it to the extreme, as usual, if I don’t do this then I am not being a good, if I kept some personal knowledge away from anyone, I am not being a good person, everything I used to think of, EVERYTHING, almost everyone knew of, if not by me in person, by my social media, I was obsessed of telling everyone everything, but never gossip, never a secret anyone trusted me with, all about me, because what I had in mind that, why would I not tell that person if he told you, and what’s worse back then, I had the famous arabic quote always in mind: “Li Bishoufak bi Ayn, Betshoufo bi ashra” in English: “He who sees you with one eye, you see him in 10”, so against every one good thing that anyone did to me, and to me back then, not knowing what life really is about, a normal life thing that either regular friends or acquaintances do was something with a BIG “WOW” to me.
I never understood the true meaning of the idea that I had planted in my mind, it was never my Father’s fault for telling me that, it was mine for misunderstanding it well and not asking for help when I felt I needed it the most, fearing that I would be doing “Wrong” if I asked, I stood by the idea that “Every man for his own”, and never thought of life as it should be, life where you ask for help when you need it the most, and as life passed by. Every day, I try to understand that asking for emotional and life support, and having a secure support system was a much more important factor in succeeding than getting educational or career support.
Moving on, I began getting out of the “Comfort Zone” slowly, the zone where tears and laughs are kept a secret inside that “Zone”, I began meeting people very quickly, trying to always find what my mother taught me: “Find the good in anyone, as there is something in anyone anywhere that is good, even a 0.001%” I also ignored the fact that there is 99.999% bad in that person and appreciated that good percentage whatever it was as it was 100%. Until I reached university, meeting with tens of people every day, some just met for coffee and left, others met for coffee with a phone number to “Hang out later”, and some met every day for class at the same and the same seat.
When we used to re-meet for coffee, I used to sit down and listen, and then start talking as if I knew that person for years, trusting them as they say “Blindly”, not knowing that it was at some of those times a “trap”, just for a simple backstab or a major betrayal of trust.
Now I won’t go into specifics of the incidents, maybe at some other time, but not now.
Time went by, and I began trusting less, much less than a normal person’s guard would allow him/her to trust. Having those “Trust issues” was something overrated for me, I had much more than “Trust issues”, it was a mix of not trusting+paranoia+anxiety, to a limit I started taking medicine to go to sleep and most of the times being a sleep-deprived person.
I spent my 21/22/ and most of my 23, with issues of trusting people with anything, even my closest people knew very few about me thinking that they know everything. I felt highly isolated, with a volcano in my heart, worse than that at Mount mount Vesuvius, wanting to burst at the people who betrayed that trust at any time, but what was worse, the paranoia that I had from everyone around me.
I felt demotivated, with not much energy to do anything honestly, disorganization, chaos, and more, my brain was a mess, worrying about everyone’s eyes around me, “What is he going to do now?” “Why is she walking at a regular pace behind me?” “Is he going to come after me while I sleep tonight?”, I mean for everyone who knows me, know I love thrillers and conspiracy series, but this was much more, and it was almost sort of illness.
I needed a way out, everything was black around me, and that wasn’t because I wanted it black, but because of everything that has happened, my heart shadowed the way for my brain to get a visible sight of everything, it went from a light grey path into a dark black path, and what’s worse, no visible light at the end of the tunnel.
But one day, I remember very well, in March 2019, I decided to let go, to give life, a “Try Again for free” chance, and permit myself to forgive myself, but how was that possible?
I thought, where did the Elias, the man whose smile never left his face, go? I decided that it is time to do something about it, I thought let’s go over whatever happened, again and again, to see where did I go wrong? and I found where did I go wrong, after deep analysis, and hard time, I was able to convince myself that I was doing myself wrong and everything had an end, so why not end the Elias who understood life wrong, and get a more organized Elias, a Elias understood what was life about, who defined his terms more clear and more organized with what he wanted, who began creating his life again from scratch, not worrying about anything, bearing in mind what my dear uncle once taught me: “Not everyone is fully trustworthy, everyone has a weak point, and if trusted with, he’ll for sure use it against you”.
So I gave life a high-five instead of letting it slap me on the face and continued ever since.
All in all, don’t worry about letting other people in your life, even though the smaller the circle the better, just watch out on how much worth you give each relationship, and jump for it, yet don’t jump into the fire and burn yourself and your bargaining cards, jump into a relationship with just enough, to keep yourself secure and have an amazing relationship with whoever the person is.
All the love, respect and support to you my beloved readers.
Elias,