How to Make New Friends as An Adult: A four part process
I recently read a Medium story by Juliane Bergmann titled ‘How do you make friends as an adult?’. In it the author engagingly shared stories about her experiences of making friends over the years and I was captivated.
I could relate to her difficulty as I was a highly anxious and awkward kid, who longed to successfully connect with others. Finding “my people” hasn’t always come easily to me. I’ve a spent many a cringe-worthy moment in my past ashamed at my foolhardiness after failing to connect with someone who just wasn’t having it.
After years of observation and trial and error, it has become apparent to me how I can make the whole process easier on myself.
I think that the main reason people struggle with making friends is that we over-simplify it, presuming that we should be able to waltz up to anybody we want to and find a way to connect. Then if we fail, we may make negative judgements about oneself as a person and feel confounded by life and how to navigate it.
The reality is that failing in this way is a lot less to do with our inherit personal value so much, as the fact that making friends is more complex than the typical high school movie makes it appear.
In truth the actual part of creating a friendship is a final step in a progression of stages where strangers move from strangers to acquaintance to potential friend. All before we can even get close to calling someone an actual friend.
A progression of stages where building rapport is key.
So what I’d like to suggest is that making friends is a multi-part process that requires deft navigation of each part to succeed. A process that can be broken down into four parts, where most people go through at least one or two of these parts but can still struggle because they’re yet to put them all together.
PART 1. Attitude
I believe that attitude is half the work in making friends, of being able to believe in yourself enough to put yourself out there and make meaningful connections.
Having said that, I’m also an advocate of the “heal it until you feel it” method of getting where you want to be in yourself, not the “fake it until you make it” method. So while doing this I’m the first to suggest that you start where you are, rather than push yourself to do things that utterly terrify you.
For instance, if the idea of striking up a conversation with someone in a public space makes your insides behave in strange ways, then you probably shouldn’t do it. The exchange probably won’t happen naturally and you probably won’t achieve anything so stick to what you are ready for.
Having the right attitude isn’t a pretending, it’s a be-ing.
PART 2. Build your potential friend pool
There are a few factors involved here and it is essentially about increasing the number of people in your life with whom you have:
a) With similar interests
b) That you see regularly
c) That you are developing rapport with
These three elements are all important, because when they’re all there, the subsequent steps flow and the whole process becomes a lot easier. Finding people who are like-minded with similar interests is a whole skill in and of itself which I will cover at some point in the future and will link back to this post.
If you have a potential friend pool already, that’s great! You can move onto the next step. If not then I’ve listed a heap of ways here that can get you on your way.
Places to expand your potential friend pool
- Join a local special interest group
During university, the main advice I was given to make friends was to join a club or society. At Orientation Week I joined the Environment Collective, the Mountaineering Club, the Arts Students Society and a multitude of other clubs that I don’t remember going back to. Participating in at least some of these was quite effective to help me connect with some great people through shared interests such as bushwalking and environmental justice and I’ve used this advice ever since.
In your local community, there are likely plentiful hobby, community or other such associations looking for members in areas such as sport, craft, politics or music.
Charitable organizations that take volunteers are also a great place to meet people while doing good in the world, for example at the local food bank or environmental protection group. During my early twenties, I joined a local environmental action group and still speak to friends that I met in that group some fifteen-ish years later.
2. Go on a multi-day workshop or retreat
There’s nothing like a shared experience or growth journey to help connect you with others in your community. Spending time in the scheduled activities of a retreat or workshop, during breaks, and in post-workshop activities, does wonders to increase your potential friend pool.
Choose whatever interests strike your fancy, in my life it involves going to programs such as movement retreats, permaculture trainings, skills workshops, or protecting the local environment.
I particularly like the ones in nature that happen several times per year. After spending time with the same people on multiple occasions around the campfire over a year or several years, you become friends for life.
3. Make an effort to socialize between or after work with colleagues or associates
Yes, that means going to the staff Christmas party, Friday night drinks, or getting lunch together. Making an effort to ask non-work-related questions about people’s families, pets, siblings, hobbies, etc. does wonders for making us more human and not just simply employees.
As a bonus, it may also support the relationship you have with other staff to get your work done more smoothly within work hours as people are better able to understand who you are and where you’re coming from.
This advice may seem intrusive to some, but in my experience of employers with whom I’ve had this rapport has been a sense that they care about me and not just what I can turn out every day on the computer. They may not become friends you see outside of work, but quality rapport as a regular experience in one’s life can certainly contribute to a feeling of connectedness with others through shared experience, companionship and camaraderie. Having a sense of community, a sense that we are all moving forward together is just as essential as having friends.
Extending that relationship to friendship after a time or after leaving a workplace takes effort. If it feels right for both parties work colleagues can be more likely to become friends because of the consistent contact and level of rapport you gained in the work environment.
I have several friends I originally met through workplaces with whom I still visit and call regularly.
4. Share houses
I love living in share houses! When done right, share house living can be wonderful, if you choose people carefully, set the appropriate expectations, and are respectful and thoughtful of others. They’re also a great place to make friends! Especially if your housemates have similar interests or general life ideology, you are spending time with them by default and automatically developing ongoing rapport with them while living with them.
To continue that connection once you move out takes effort, so don’t forget to do this bit and see them again outside of that original home environment, ideally in a one-on-one social situation.
5. Ex-partners
Believe it or not, a couple of my ex-partners are lifelong friends of mine, and I flatly refuse to date anyone new who needs to restrict my involvement with them for the singular reason that we were intimate together in the far distant past.
Most people choose to date beyond just the physical and needs to appreciate the company and qualities of that person. These are great reasons to have someone as a friend!
A bonus part of being friends with exes is that you’ve also gotten over the are-they-interested-in-me situation that can come up between friends and you can both get on with the best-mates-for-life part of being friends.
A note on other places
- Via existing friends
This works, not often but sometimes you’ll meet someone through another friend or partner and you just click. The fact that you have a mutual friend supports the idea that you may have similar interests to that person and will get along with each other too.
2. Public spaces
You can encounter people in your daily life in fleeting moments such as at the dentist’s waiting room, while grocery shopping, or queueing at the voting booth. These are all public spaces and so they aren’t great for making friends as everyone has their “public space face” on.
Some people are the exception to this rule and are friendly and open enough to strike up conversations with anyone in public. Small towns are better for this vibe but otherwise feeling open enough to converse, when appropriate, to anyone in larger cities can be a great way to create a sense of community in a public space for those involved and to also meet “acquaintances”.
Then if you are seeing these people again regularly and happen to be creating rapport with them, for example, the barista at the local coffee shop or other dog owners at the park, they may join your potential friend pool.
3. Dating apps and strangers on social media
Some dating apps offer options where you can just become “friends” with someone if you’re new to town etc. I believe that the reason they don’t work is that there is not enough motivation for someone who you meet on these apps to follow through to spend time with you and vice versa. They don’t know you and you don’t know them.
It’s for this reason that I don’t find that apps or messaging strangers on social media works very well too as you also don’t have any existing rapport with these people, an essential ingredient in the friend-making process.
4. Therapists or other professional service people
Even if you’re seeing these people regularly and building rapport with them, they simply won’t continue a connection with you as a client because it’s unprofessional.
For instance, I know someone who will not spend time with any of his massage clients outside of the clinic because of how that could dangerously backfire for him in the long run professionally.
PART 3. Connecting Further
Now that you’ve increased the number of like-minded people you already spend time with, with whom you are building rapport, you’re ready for the next step of connecting with them outside of this activity.
Getting to this step may take days, weeks, or months, depending on who your “like-minded” people are and their receptiveness to new people. So best to relax and enjoy the process.
To connect successfully with potential friends
- Notice their availability
Those who are open to connecting further need to have enough spaciousness in their life to welcome new friends. A good indicator of this is body language. Those who appear closed off in their demeanor when engaging with you are probably not looking to further engage right now. - Notice their relatibility
Being able to relate to each other’s situation because you have similar backgrounds and/or attitudes to life helps. For example if you are new to an area, finding others who are also new to the same area means that you’re probably both looking to establish new connections and might want to explore your new local spots together. - Notice the natural flow between you
Identifying a good natural connection, where you are both able to be yourself - You need to initiate further connection
Establish appropriate opportunities to engage and to further develop the connection by exchanging phone numbers or connecting via social media. - Don’t worry keep trying
Don’t take it personally if they don’t respond to your attempts at communicating, move along and try with someone else.
PART 4. Being a good friend
Having friends is a lot about offering each other a deeper connection to something within oneself that isn’t available to everyone. Deep connection starts by offering respect, safety, and empathy for their situation and encouragement and support for the path they are on and who they are.
Achieving this is mostly to do with having deep listening skills. I feel that I would have greatly benefited from having an elder hash out how to do them for me when I was a child as it is something that has taken me many years to develop and get the hang of.
Essentially deep listening is about giving another person your undivided attention and listening, really listening, to what they are trying to say when they speak to you. Then to be able to reflect back on what they are saying without presumptions or judgment and without the need to “fix” their problem or situation unless they actively ask for your advice.
Then finally, reaching out regularly to friends who you appreciate and would like to connect with is the essence of maintaining a friendship. In hard times especially, just saying “how are you going” can mean the world to another person to be heard and accepted for their experience.
In summary, making friends as an adult is about:
PART 1. Attitude
Knowing that you’re going to succeed at making friends but not putting expectations on any one person to be this for you.
PART 2. Having potential friends
A large enough group of like-minded people that you are seeing regularly with whom you are building rapport from whom you can make new friends.
PART 3. Connecting further
Once you have a large enough potential friend pool, selectively pursue friendships with the appropriate people that are more open to interaction, and then be sure to follow through on opportunities for you to connect further.
PART 4. Being a good friend
Having emotional intelligence and conscious relating skills is essential to maintaining and developing healthy relationships.
Where I find that people fail is that for whatever reason, they don’t get through all of these parts to make friends. It does take conscious effort too and so I like to remember that if I’m feeling a bit short in the friend department that it’s not about me, it’s about the effort I’m putting in to make it happen.
If I’m noticing for instance, that despite having a large pool of acquaintances, that I’m not spending much one-on-one time with anyone, I need to reach out more to these people. Then if I’m not able to maintain those connections, I need to try again while focusing my attention on those that are reciprocating reliably in ways that I need, rather than those that aren’t.
Finally, a continual question I ask myself alongside all of this is what can I do to become a better friend? Am I able to hold space for each and every person that I meet in the fullness of their being? This is a lifelong skill that we can all develop regardless of how many friends we have.
Then in between efforts to make new friends, I always remind myself to return to those people in my past with whom I have made strong connections. No matter how far away they might be in distance or years since the last contact, good friends will always appreciate hearing from you.
I am immensely grateful, after all that, when I find the people who “get” me and we are there for each other to share this amazing life journey.
