I used to feel a bit of panic when I thought about getting rid of things, but now when I become aware of how much crap I have, it feels stifling. It is tempting to just gather it up and toss it all.
I am thinking that is related to other thoughts that came to me this morning.
I don’t know myself anymore. It seems my “old self” was just a reaction to events and people. Just one big reaction from morning to night. Since obsessively working on my inner world the past 16 months or so, and leaving my job (which finally made me so ill I was forced to make ‘the leap), I am kind of lost. I’ve shed much garbage from inside. Made many realizations about what has made me tick up til recently. Now, I have no clue what is left of me. I do not know myself. I mean, who the hell am I if I am not reacting to what happens around me? That, by the way, is not really a serious question. Spiritually speaking, that is a very good sign. It means I’ve actually made some progress. I’ve shed an identity …. a way of life …. that definitely was not healthy. Still, it is rather disturbing to look at. And, it makes it tempting to just sit down and think, “What the heck am I supposed to do now?”
I am not supposed to do anything, necessarily. I need to be more aware. Who am I? What do I want? How do I feel? What is important to me? Those questions are surprisingly difficult to answer.