learn from my mistakes so I don’t feel bad for making them

play Pokémon Go better than I have been

fuck your pidgey

Personally I’ve had a lot of fun with Pokémon Go, but I’ve also been jobless for two months and have way more time on my hands than most people. If you’re like 80% of America, you either live in suburban hell or the middle of fucking nowhere, which means as soon as you look to the left you’ve smacked your face into a Pidgey’s ass.

Pokémon Go is approximately 99% less exciting when all you’re catching are Pidgey and Rattata, especially when you’ve been walking around for 6 hours. (But at least your legs will look great.)

While I’m not one of the hardcore PoGo players who walk ten miles up and down a mountain everyday before and after work (the main deterrent is because I have no job), I like to believe I’ve played a decent amount and can offer some wisdom on how to make your experiences a little more efficient.

The overall strategy I’m outlining is what I feel to be accessible to everyone while offering a good amount of EXP, items, and variety of Pokémon. Essentially you are going to a place where there are lots of PokéStops grouped up (for example a city block or a zoo) so that you can walk up and down, collect items, and catch whatever is spawning at lures that other people have put up. Bonus: bring a friend or few, and make it a hangout day. You get your exercise, you’re socializing, and you get some rad Pokémon. Or a fuckton of Pidgey.

if you’re shit, your Pokémon are shit

The most important thing to focus on first is your trainer level. The higher level you are, the higher CP potential your Pokémon will have.

Do not waste any Stardust or candies pre-level 20. At the beginning you will level so fast the CP 50 Geodude you’ve lovingly sprinkled Stardust onto and force fed candy made from its brethren will be shown up by the CP 150 Geodude that spawned five feet away.

It will be so, so tempting when you see how much Stardust you have, but that number is deceiving. Once you start powering your Pokémon up, you will never have enough of the stuff, so save it for when it matters.

That also means don’t evolve anyone except for Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle. The reason being is I’ve evolved Pokémon into their first evolution and they’ll be boosted to a CP of ~300. Then one day later I will catch its base form that already has a higher CP. Try not to evolve anything until you have enough candies for its entire evolution line, because by then you’ll be at a level where the CP differences aren’t so huge it’ll feel like a waste. For Pokémon with two evolutions, that will usually be 125 candies. 25 from base to first, then 100 for first to second.

do you want your charmander sunny side up?

Unless your area has a good map or community online for where spawns and nests are, going out of your way to hunt for a specific Pokémon is going to be mind-numbing and awful. Or if you really enjoy driving and combing through each and every neighborhood and park in your state, then have at it, this game was meant for you.

Though it takes a bit of legwork, eggs are the best way to get a variety of Pokémon. See all those Snorlax and Lapras sitting pretty on top of those gyms? Chances are those were hatched. (Or someone was lucky. Or they’ve lived outside since the game launched.)

Don’t get me wrong, if you want a Dragonite or Blastoise or any of those fully evolved Pokémon you can brag about to all the 10-year-olds in your neighborhood after quitting your 9–5 job, finding a nest where the base Pokémon spawn and farming it will be your best bet.

But if you’d rather wander around and see what you can get, eggs are the way to go. You also get EXP for hatching eggs, as well as candies for the respective Pokémon that hatches from it.

let other people be the sucker for you

If you spend money on the game, buy incubators, Lucky Eggs, and Pokémon/Inventory storage upgrades. Don’t prioritize incense or lures. In fact, I would even go as far to say don’t get them at all, unless you want to spend a dollar to catch five more Pidgey in the next half-hour.

Here’s the thing: ideally, when you are hatching eggs you are going to be some place where there’s lots of PokéStops, and by extension, a place where there are lots of people. If it’s a busy area, then there’s already going to be lures on the PokéStops, and while lures and incense have helped me catch some neat stuff, most of the time it just spawns more Pidgey and Rattata. If you have the extra money and really want to optimize your spawn rates then go for it, but personally it has not been worthwhile, especially since I could’ve spent that money on incubators to hatch 5/10 KM eggs.

it all comes together

So you have your incubators, your bags have room for items you’ll be looting from PokéStops, and there is a long day of walking ahead of you.

Depending on the concentration of PokéStops, hopefully the amount of PokéBalls you’ll be getting will outnumber the encounters you’ll run into. That is wonderful, because then you will never fear running out of PokéBalls when you run into that punk-ass bitch Pikachu. It is doubly wonderful because that means you can catch as many Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle as you run into and stock up on their candy as well as Stardust.

I will warn that once you get far enough where you don’t need to catch every single Pokémon to fill your PokéDex, set a ball limit for Pokémon you don’t need anymore. For me I set it at about two or three throws before I run off, but that is dependent on how stocked up I am. I also tend to spend more on Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle because I want to stock up on their candy.

If you want, you can pop a Lucky Egg while you’re walking around cracking open eggs so that the EXP you get from them is doubled. Up to you and however quickly you want to level up.

Try not to evolve anything until you’re done walking around for the day.

At the end of the day you’ll have hatched some good shit, walked by some lucky spawns, or at least caught a ton of Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle to EXP grind.

When you‘re finished and if you are post-level 20 (or don’t give a shit about battling and having high CP Pokémon), pop a Lucky Egg and start evolving your Pokémon and those Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle, but only to their first evolution. After that, transfer those bitches out for more candy. Rinse and repeat until your Lucky Egg times out or you clean up your Pokémon storage.

tl;dr too many fucking words

  1. Eggs. All the eggs.
  2. Incubators. Lucky Eggs.
  3. Find an area with tons of PokéStops. Own that shit like it’s your corner. Refills lots of items and whatever eggs you hatch for maximum egging.
  4. Walking.
  5. More walking.
  6. More eggs.
  7. Eggs.
  8. No. More eggs. Always more eggs.
  9. Done? Pop Lucky Egg. EXP grind whatever Pidgey/Caterpie/Weedle you caught by evolving to their first stage & evolving anything else.
  10. Look at all your babies, EXP, and items.
  11. Also your nice legs.
  12. Feel good.

hopefully that helped or was at least marginally entertaining. leave a comment if you think i’m dumb and want to take my lunch money.

Like what you read? Give bappy a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.