Running Low

Eivin Kent Adlawan
Nov 6 · 5 min read

It is currently W3D2 (denotes Week 3, Day 2) of the 12-week Immersion Program for Hack Reactor. It’s a bit difficult to write this since I do blog but usually not about technical things. I usually blog about what’s going on in my head (like an online journal) and my experiences with other people. However, currently, I am so pressed for time to catch up on my toy-problems, self-assessments, and mini sprints, I can’t do anything BUT write about my internal turmoil during my experience as a student.

To summarize, W1 filled me with such panic — I did not feel like I will ever be fast enough in absorbing the content as other students. I truly want to learn and tackle these new (and challenging) concepts but at the same time, I feel defeated –
every…
single…
day…

I tend to blame it on my inability to be kind to myself — to place undue [and usually unrealistic] expectations on myself with which I have difficulty reaching.

Why is that?
Why do you do that to yourself?

These are the voices that go through my head… When I hit a wall, I feel like I just killed someone for not being able to succeed. However, the reality is that it just means that I need time to work on it and that eventually, I will understand the concept.

I keep telling myself that,…

It is ok to ask for help.
I have amazing classmates that would love to help me.
You are
not defined by a single moment in your life — you are worth more than the sparrows or the flowers of the field… more precious than gold.

But I still feel like I’m drowning…
As if the walls are slowly closing in…
As if the light is slowly being extinguished…

And so I make a goal to use my ‘panic button’… to reach out to my friends/family with whom I can give my heavy heart to, knowing that they’ll watch over me and lend me their strength when I can barely wake up in the morning. Usually, it’s just a gentle word to remind me of God’s goodness in the darkness and how He will not allow me to bear anything too great for me to handle — a task only I was designed (since eternity past) to do and able to overcome. Even that single drop of kindness helps an aching soul… and that is why I am so careful to surround myself with genuine people that truly know how to love well.

However, I’ve also experienced the complete opposite, whereby I am at my lowest and help has not come yet… someone comes in trying to “make me feel better” but in reality they only want themselves to feel better since my current state is an inconvenience: a mark of true lovelessness.

It’s a cruel fate… to be hurt by the ones you love, especially those whom you love as family… it’s like as if your very heart has been ripped out of your chest and all you can do is weep in agony … to weep inside as you do your best to cheer the ‘hero’ who only cares for himself.

It’s a terrible fate to be in your lowest and to have no one to turn to… or even worse, the one you are hoping to save you ends up leaving you in a worse state than before. But I do it out of genuine love… to love others even if it hurts me because I want to see them succeed… I want to see them smile… but alas, I live in a broken world whereby when I try to better myself, someone comes in like a lion and devours what little joy I have… and usually, that lion is your closest confidant.

What a cruel fate… it feels like the air is running out and I am in a deep, miry, pit…

alone and forgotten…
without someone to give a drop of kindness…
without hope…
without love…


So where do I go from here?
I am only in my third week and I am still feeling extremely low. How do I recover what little joy I have… especially when I feel defeated every single day… every single moment.

It’s not easy.

Rather, it’s near impossible to overcome when joylessness extends for a long period: it leads to hopelessness and despair.

I won’t go over those two words right now as those demand their own article but what I can share for others who are doing their best to smile even through tears is to tell you that you are not alone.

You are not alone.

Again, I say, you are NOT alone.

I want you to remember to write down all the small moments of kindness that you’ve been given … learn to be THANKFUL for every. little. thing.

Even if you are in pain and in excruciating agony, keep loving the way you’ve always done… because your love will help someone else in their moment of darkness and they will remember YOU specifically for that drop of kindness.

And take heart, please know that I love you, even if we’ve never met face to face, know that I love you.

I would tell you to ‘love yourself’ but… that’s not possible; that’s narcissistic behavior. True and genuine love is when it is unconditional and is directed at someone other than yourself. Rather, I would tell you to be kind and patient with yourself because there are only a few people in this world who can truly love selflessly and it takes time for them to cross paths with you.

When you do find them, cherish your time with them since I guarantee that nothing is permanent in this world. Love each other well and likewise work together to love others well by giving others hope and love in their moments of darkness.

Genuine love is a rare find… and only a few people find it.


With my time at Hack Reactor, I know it is only for a short season that I would have to endure these hardships. I have to remember I am doing this for a bigger purpose beyond myself — to love others well, I must endure such excruciating hardships (which includes loneliness and lovelessness) so that I can help more people in the future. And maybe, as I continue trudging along I will likewise find the refreshment that I desperately need…

As for you, if you are a fellow student, you must likewise find a way to endure. If you are struggling, I encourage you to reach out to our excellent counselors… they LOVE to help us out and I don’t want you to be shy about reaching out to them. It is NOT a weakness.

There is MEANING to your suffering.

But if you are reading this and you are at your lowest, please feel free to reach out to me. Just prepend with your message with this: “SOS”.

You can find me on:
Instagram
Facebook
LinkedIn
SnapChat: eivinkent

For help, call: 1.800.273.8255

God Only Knows — by For King & Country
Relief (Acoustic) by Wolves At The Gate
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