Awakening and its price tag

For a good part of my life, I am a typical Type A go-getter who have gone to the right schools and worked my way up the ranks to a position that made my parents proud.

But not for long. Something in me started revolting against the framework of comfort and stability. I’m suddenly bitten by a wave of newfound optimism about my untapped potential to change the world.

I started day dreaming about alternatives to everything I do in my day job. Why am I spending hours reviewing powerpoint presentations while I could have used that time to write a program to warn drivers that a reckless driver is coming in their direction in the next 5 minutes? Why am I having boring coaching sessions with my direct reports about project management while I could have used that time to inspire underprivileged children about the many possibilities in life?

This awakening is invigorating, but not without its side effects. My career became a day job, which became a chore, especially it is a demanding one that takes up 60–80 hours a week. I started side projects to give meaning in my life, but that robs my sleep.

This caused my usual self hatred to escalate to a boiling point through the 14 hours work day. To simmer off, I will end the day with my side projects. And before I know it I am left with 5 hours of sleep. So I go to work everyday feeling sleep deprived, disoriented and disillusioned.

I have resolved I shall not work for someone else, so I won’t find another job that is less demanding. I will keep the current pace going till my side projects pay well enough to cover my mortgage and basic expenses before I quit my day job.

My friends seem to have found balance in their lives. I could have been in that position if not for the awakening. And as they are approaching their 40s with stability, I am approaching mine with a massive sleep debt.

Awakenings come with a price tag, and its currency is in years.