How I lost my passion as a Software Developer
Have you ever felt so tired at work that you just want to go home, turn off your phone, take a long hot shower, snuggle up in your bed in a big fluffy blanket, then wake up the next morning feeling shitty because you have to do that 5 day a week for the rest of your life? I have, and I don’t think I want to live my life that way.
I have been a software developer (front-end web developer to be precise) for about 6 years now. I started college in 2011, graduated in 2015, and immediately got my first job even before the graduation ceremony. I got in love for web front-end development when I first got introduced to it in Web Development class. The way my code can become a beautiful UI seems fascinating to me.
2 years later, I moved to my current company and I enjoyed my job even more. I’m very well compensated, I have great colleagues, great medical insurance, very supportive managers, and most of all, I can work from anywhere as long as there is an internet connection. I worked so hard sometimes up until 14 hours per day and I wasn’t complaining, I just loved what I’m doing. Also this pandemic have blessed me with a full work from home policy so I can have more time with my family. Not to mention that there was no salary cuts. 4 years into my career I was ready to buy a ring and marry the love of my life. Life was so great for me.
That is until a year ago when I was chosen as a PIC for a system migration. We were tasked to migrate this one service to the cloud and we only have 2 weeks to do it. It was impossible to do without taking extra work hours everyday, so I did. In the same time span, my wife was 3 weeks pregnant and we have to do some regular checkups every now and then on my work hours. Fortunately my teammates understands that situation and it gives me motivational boost everyday to work harder for my wife and kid.
And this is where I messed up.
Regrets
My wife worked as a financial consultant. Unlike me, she has to actually go to her office. Usually she come home around 5 PM and then she would prepare dinner for both of us while I’m still on my desk typing codes. She would also occasionally clean the house. The problem starts here. I got so used to work 14+ hours a day that it became my daily life. I ignored her too much. I was too busy working that I didn’t realize it was too tiring for a pregnant woman to do all that.
At 4 weeks of pregnancy, she started to feel cramps in her stomach. One night she went to the bathroom and found blood spots in her underwear. For you who don’t know what this means, I tell you that it’s not good news.
She cried so hard, I jumped from my desk and ask her what happened. While I was hugging her, she was repeatedly screaming 1 word, “Mama…”.
Me, her husband, was there beside her. But the one she was looking for is her mother. I have failed her. We went to the doctor and what we were afraid of was true. The baby isn’t there anymore.
Just then I can feel the regrets of my poor decisions. It should’ve been me that cooks dinner, cleans the house, wash the dishes, and everything she shouldn’t be doing alone. The list goes on and on while I sit on my bed looking at empty walls. My heart just shattered that day.
Lesson Learned
The next day of working is not the same anymore. I lost most of my motivation to go on with my career. Regarding that cloud migration I was talking about, it was messy here and there because I failed to manage everything while I was dealing with grief. I didn’t tell anyone at work and everyone just shit on me for being so bad at it. The good part is, I didn’t care. My wife was the only one I was thinking about and we were both actively finding a way to recover. Fortunately enough I wasn’t kicked out from the company, we needed the money after all. I barely survived at my job with a broken mental state.
That incident immediately makes me (sort of) hate my job and it got me thinking, “Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?”. I just lost my passion as a software developer. I want to have more time with my family and less time working and I believe there is one way to do it: Be wealthy enough that I can live off from my investment interests. It will be a hard grind, but it will be worth it.
From that, I learned that my time is much more valuable than the paycheck I received every month. When it comes to who to spend it with, family comes first. For you who have finished reading this, thank you. Remember to take care of your loved ones. I wish you a good life.
