I don’t give a damn; The path to Self Discovery.

I learned early in life that caring about the opinions of my immediate community was pointless and so I stopped. I have been known to state quite emphatically that “ I don’t give a damn" and …… I don’t.

Maybe it makes me look foolish but most importantly it makes me feel like I might be returning to a shadow of myself. You see, for about a decade now, I’ve lived for others. Bent myself backwards to be like others, spent innumerable hours observing people and their actions or inactions and later copying it. Yea, sometimes it made me feel like I belonged but what I most remember, is feeling like my life was a big fat lie.

Liking what others liked or pretending to do so and copying the mannerisms that those people admired or liked became a sub conscious action. Instead of bolstering my self confidence, it pummeled it over and over again into the ground. I’ve done this so much that I can’t tell who I am.

Am I the type of girl who likes to be frank, a little bit vulgar, who loves sneakers, who likes romance, or who hates it. I just don’t know and it is painfully frightening to look at your reflection in the mirror and not recognize who you are. Some days, I spend a whole lot of time thinking about it but still can’t figure out who I am.

I understand that we are products of the things we’ve passed through but I still question my inability to fully care for people,my tendency to mistrust, to doubt, to love the idea of a full blown- cavity- destroying sweet romance and still be afraid of it. I doubt the atychyphobia I live with on a daily basis. Trying to muddle through the hundreds of personalities I have adopted to get to ME is so hard, frustrating and tiring. Then, I try to go over why I have the attitudes that I have today, and I can’t remember the things that have molded me through pain and fire to make me who I am today. They feel like a lifetime ago. I figured they’re buried so deeply that I can’t unearth them.

Ok, I say to myself, who was I before all this? This part is painful because I actually do remember. I remember a smiling child, full of laughter, trust, hope and love but then they seem like the memories of another girl. In a way they are the memories of another girl in another time. I finally realized that I can’t ever be her again and neither can I figure out who I should have been because, hey, life happened and as much as I hate that my rosy glasses were painfully removed exposing me to the harsh glare of reality, I won’t change it for anything.

I finally figured out what to do. I’ll simply fashion myself into the person that I could live in peace with. To do that, I discovered something about me. Yay! One point for me.

I don’t give a damn. That’s it. I listen to the opinions of some people and argue with them cause I won’t swallow anything hook, line, and sinker anymore. Now, don’t go getting this all wrong. I don’t do bad things under the cloak of “ I don’t give a damn” No!

I ask myself three questions.

Is this morally and spiritually right?

If the answer is yes then it’s a go.

Am I happy?

For me, this is really important. Being sad has been my normal for so long that happiness is a very big factor. So, am i? If yes, then it’s a green light.

Will I be proud of myself tomorrow?

Also important to me is the assurance that I can live with the choices I’ve made. Would I be proud to tell my future daughter that mama did this. Would I be proud of myself? This also includes maintaining my own principles because one of the quite numerous downsides of adopting other personalities is that you lose your core values.

These three questions guide me on my road to self discovery.

And, it’s a wrap. So, if perhaps you have the same problem,you might wanna start making amends and you should probably adopt the life changing formulae of “ I don’t give a damn.” It works wonders. Trust me.